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Trickle truth. I can't do it anymore

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Sammy2013 posted 10/21/2013 18:34 PM

When he first told me, it was just an Emotional affair, nothing physical. Then it was some awkward kisses. Now I find out the so called awkward kisses happened in her hotel room. The it came out that hey were on the bed. Do I really look that stupid?! I'm done. I know I'm not supposed to make any rash decisions, but I'm done. We are one month from d day and he has lied, gaslighted, said I didn't show him enough affection that's why he did it. Then tells me he was falling in love with her. I can't take anymore. I want off the roller coaster. I am at a friends house while she is at work. Thank God she let mehang here. Left him with all three kids. I don't need them to see me breaking down like this. I am getting an attorney tomorrow. He leaves for a business trip tomorrow. All his shit will be packed. And ready for him to go when he gets back. I'm done.

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 18:40 PM


I'm so sorry. TT sucks, bad. You barely get stabilized with one affair, and then it becomes more, and more, and more. I'm sad for you.

I'm glad you aren't with your children right now. You're right - this wouldn't be good for them, and honey, you need some time and space to think. You need some Sammy time.

He doesn't love her. No one 'thinks' they are falling in love. He misses the highs of the dirty affair. He misses his 'special' relationship. That's all. I don't blame you for wanting him out Everyone has a breaking point. He's dragged this on and on.

You're right - he didn't make out with her in her hotel room. That's bullshit. I'm sorry - but you know what happened. He's playing CYA and he thinks he'll get away with it. You're actually lucky he's admitted this much if he had you believing it was an EA (which is no picnic).

I know how tired you are of this. I know it's all you think of. If you want him out, then stick with the plan. No one will fault you. Not even him. He'll realize right away who he loves, I can promise you that.

Stay strong Sammy - you deserve more than whatever scraps of truth he's offering. You really do. Please, take care of yourself.

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 18:41 PM

Oh, and him blaming you? Yeah, fuck him for that.

Sammy2013 posted 10/21/2013 18:49 PM

I'm sitting here feeling like this cold hearted bitch who didn't show her husband enough affection. We made love whenever he was home. I always loved it, felt connected to him. He tells me tonight he felt like I was just checking something else off my to do list. So great, I'm frigid in bed is too. I feel ugly, unwanted, like a obligation. Like the only reason he wants to stay together is because she chose to go back and work on her marriage. Every time I close my eyes I seem them together. I don't even know her. I feel like such a horrible person and wife. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. Will it ever stop? I just want it to stop.

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 19:01 PM

Oh, Sammy! It isn't your fault at all! He's saying that to try to take blame from himself. I'm sure, before this, he's said that he loves making love to you. And if you're with him every time he's home, then how much more affection did he want? This is blameshifting, and it's WRONG.

I know, it hurts, bad. Really bad. You've already been so hurt by an A, and then he insults you by claiming that it was partly your fault. It wasn't and don't you believe for a second it was. That's why I made my second post - fuck him for that. It's cruel.

Your esteem has already taken a major hit. It's easy for him to kick you when you're down, and try to put some of his guilt onto you. It's bullshit is what it is. You have 3 kids - I'm guessing that you didn't get pregnant each time you had sex. He wanted to be with you! Why? Because he enjoyed it - a lot. Enough that he married you. Do you think he'd marry you if he didn't enjoy the sex? Don't let him get to you on that front. It's just bullshit!

I hate so much when a WS does this. It always cuts deep. They know we BSs want an answer - why? Why did you betray me? Why wasn't I enough? Why her/him? Why why why? So, they give us a why that isn't "because I'm a piece of shit right now, and all that matters is me" which is the right answer.

Sammy, please, logically you know he's full of shit saying that. You MUST listen to logic right now. You cannot let your emotions take over on this one. He is only blameshifting - he isn't letting you in on some secret he's been carrying around.

((((Sammy))))) You do NOT deserve this kind of abuse, and that's what it is - it's abuse.

sailorgirl posted 10/21/2013 20:33 PM

He tells me tonight he felt like I was just checking something else off my to do list.

That's a line straight out of the Cheater's Handbook. We had a great sex life, too, and he felt lucky to have such a hot wife right up until the day he first cheated. Then he couldn't stand to think of himself as a cheating bastard, so he had to make it my fault.

He said:
"We're living like brother and sister." (really? what kind of twisted sibling relationship would that be?)
"I'm just a paycheck to you."
"We never have sex."
"You're too critical."
"You're just like your mother."

All kinds of complete bullshit. Now that he's out of the fog and taking responsibility for his actions, he admits that he was lying like crazy.

This is not your fault. After all he has done, would you now go out and cheat? I'm thinking no because you are an emotionally healthy person with self-worth and integrity. You're not going to break your vows for any reason, even if your husband is being a complete jerk. Counseling, separation, divorce--there are many options other than cheating.

He didn't cheat because of you or the marriage. He's just pointing fingers to avoid the truth. He cheated because something is seriously wrong with him.

Keep posting, Sammy sweetie. We know how bad this sucks.

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 05:00 AM

sailorgirl is sooooo right! My fwh did the same - this eases their guilt if we are the bad ones and the marriage is bad. Things my H said:

We were like roommates
It isn't that kind of relationship (um, what?)

And of course, the things he told OW - WOW!!:

-I've slept on the couch for years
-I would have left before if I didn't feel sorry for you (??? I make a 6 figure salary and have plenty of opportunities regarding dating, but I was married - I'm anything but a charity case)
-I haven't had an orgasm with her in years (really???)

He also aged me by over a decade and told OW all sorts of horrible things about me - strange thing is SHE was living with a man 20 years older than her. I guess he wanted something in common?

Sammy - right now you can't listen to a thing he says. He's reaching for any reasons why he did this, and he's desperate to make this your fault. It isn't, in any way.

You can't let his lies bring you down. You have to remember what you remember, and KNOW that this is the truth. He has reason to lie (guilt) and you don't. You know what your marriage was, so don't you let him rewrite it.

This is exactly what they're talking about when you see discussions of 'rewriting the marriage'. It's a standard tactic. Do NOT let him change your view of YOUR marriage. He's the one in a fog, not you.

betrayedme2 posted 10/22/2013 06:48 AM

Sammy, so very sorry you're finding yourself in this. Trickle Truth sucks, but the hole thing really does suck. It's no different when it's the wife cheating. I heard many of the same things from my cheating wife.

"We were like roommates."
"He cared about me."
"He listened to me.

Have confidence in yourself and don't let his bullshit blind what you know to be true.

Please be careful with rash decisions. Such as who you tell. Do talk to a lawyer! Know your rights and processes for D if that's where you decide to go. Everyone has to make their own decisions. You may want to expose your WH and yell it from the rooftop, but at first, be discriminate with who you tell. Some people who haven't gone through this will show pity or be judgmental.

You're a smart person for leaving the house. You're right, the kids don't need to see any more than what they need to. Unfortunately my 16 yo daughter was at ground zero on my dday. Not pretty. Take care of, drink (easy on the adult drinks). Love your kids, they'll need more than ever before.

Come back here when you need to. For me, it helps to know I'm not alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Best wishes Sammy! Big hugs coming to you!!

Sammy2013 posted 10/22/2013 07:32 AM

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I came home last night to put the kids to bed. Then took a bath and set myself up to sleep on the couch. He came in to talk. Said he read some of the stuff I sent him (from here). Apologized, said it wasn't me, etc. all the right things. I told him I don't believe a word he's saying, and I don't. He asked if we could still do the counseling and if I would please just agree to try with him. I said I would think about it. He leaves today for a trip. He said maybe it will be good for me to take a breath. I said doubt it because he was on a trip when he cheated, so it's a trigger for me. He sighed and apologized again for what he did to our family. I'll keep everyone posted. I still don't know what I am going to do.

AlexFL posted 10/22/2013 07:44 AM

The posts here really upset me because it's like we are all married to the same person. Sometimes I just think I should give in and accept his behavior because it sounds like all partners do this. At least the family will be taken care of. Not trying to be a poor martyr but I don't know if I can move on. I know what I have and I know what I'm dealing with. Who knows the next one can be equally as bad or even worse. My world is shattered. I understand why people pack up and leave and hate their spouse instead of trying to be calm. It's would be easier to just walk and never look back. If I didn't have kids I probably would have done that by now. There is no escape for me. I see his sadness turning angry and manipulating bc I won't give in. This is a horrible road. I didn't ask for this and I understand where you are coming from.

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