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simply5 posted 10/21/2013 19:02 PM

Hi...I found this website today through an unconventional route of seeing a photo entitled "crazy dog lady" (me), but was posted by this site at some point in the past.
SO....that was destiny!!!!!!!

I found out in May of this year that my husband of almost 20 years had been communicating via email with a work associate that lives in another part of the country. Nonetheless, I found a few very emotionally telling emails. I guess that is what they call a cyber-affair. Stupidly, before reading all of the emails, I confronted my husband. He was emotional and regretful and scared. Yes, scared that I read all that was there. It was a crazy night whereby he swore up and down there was no physical relationship between them. He travels a lot for work, and she is in the same work circles. They have been at conferences together. He swore that nothing physical happened. He did admit to wrongdoing and apologized for the emotional attachment that had begun between them. SADLY, he proceeded to DELETE about 100 emails the next day that they had exchanged. They can never be recovered and to this day I die thinking about what was written. He "said" he confided in her, discussed his frustrations with me, discussed the fact that I'm overweight, etc, etc, etc.
I then sent her a note telling her that I found these messages and to never write to my married husband of three kids again, unless for business. He agreed to also send her a note telling her I had found out and to stop communications between them.
Stupidly......we did not pursue the counselling route in May. I felt that it was time to work on our marriage which had gone stale years ago. I do take some part of the blame in the history leading up to this. Believe it or not, a few days later, I get a note from him saying that he'd like to work with me on the marriage, but the physical part of our relationship is hard because he finds my weight disgusting. Since May I have seen zero guilt on his part and zero interest in changing anything in our marriage.
Last week Wednesday, the actual date of our 20th anniversary, I found more email exchanges between them. Business related. However...............I know what begins one way easily turns back into old habits. Rather than express feeling badly about this, he is angered at me because I became very angry that they are communicating again. He sees nothing wrong with it because, after all, I said they could still communicate for business purposes.
My husband is a charismatic, charming individual who ALWAYS has an answer or an excuse at the ready. He is NEVER to blame. Period.

I have now contacted a therapist and the first appointment is next Monday. We have not exchanged one word since last week., and we have three kids in the house. He hasn't come to the dinner table to eat with us.

In my heart I do feel that from day one he has always taken anyone and everyone else's side over mine. His family, his friends.....anyone!!!!!!!

The problem with food being a "drug of choice" to manage stress is that the more he insults my weight or the more emotional stress I feel, the more I eat.

He is a child of divorce and always said he never wanted that for his children. I personally feel trapped at this point, wanting the marriage to work but not knowing what to do with all of my anger. The trust has been broken. He still does not allow me to see his email account, I sneak onto it when he forgets to log out of it.

I thank you guys out there in the virtual world for listening to me. I have just signed on today, so plan on reading lots of other posts and perhaps find some direction to follow. I feel sick and I feel lost.

painfulpast posted 10/21/2013 19:13 PM

I cannot get past him telling you he doesn't want sex with you because your weight is 'disgusting'. I'm sick that he said that to you. How dare he? He's off at work, and you are home having and raising babies. The best he can do is insult you?

I'm sure he does take everyone's side over yours. He's a control freak and he's just plain mean.

I know - you aren't here to have someone bash your H - but he shouldn't be acting like 'well you said we could talk business' like some child. He knows why it bothers you, and you're just supposed to be ok with it? And he won't come to the table where his children are?

Oh, I have a lot of things I'd love to say, but mostly this - why do you want him at all? He's abusive and manipulative.

If you do want him, then keep that appointment. And think about IC. If you know you're overeating as a means to self sooth, then that isn't good. I am NOT saying you should do it because of your weight. I am saying it because is isn't a healthy outlet. Finding an IC that is trained in addictive behavior, particularly overeating, would be a great benefit for you.

Honey, I"m so sorry that you're in this situation. It must be a living hell. Just stay strong and try to get to that appointment without going off the deep end.

caregiver9000 posted 10/21/2013 19:15 PM

Welcome, and ((((hugs))))

I am sorry that you discovered things about your H that prove he is a liar and deceitful. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is shutting the door when you use the bathroom. Secrecy is deleting emails that are shameful and dishonest to your marriage.

PLEASE reject the negativity your WH is casting your way about your appearance. This is called blameshifting.

Welcome to SI, however you came to find it. There is a lot of support here.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/21/2013 19:18 PM

Welcome Simply5. I am truly sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You have found a great supportive place with lots of wise people that have walked a similar path.

I am glad you are going to see an IC. That is a great step in taking care of yourself. There is lots of great info in the healing library, as well as certain threads found in Just Found out.

More will be along soon....

Chrysalis123 posted 10/21/2013 19:19 PM

Welcome Simply5. I am truly sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You have found a great supportive place with lots of wise people that have walked a similar path.

I am glad you are going to see an IC. That is a great step in taking care of yourself. There is lots of great info in the healing library, as well as certain threads found in Just Found out.

More will be along soon....

SerJR posted 10/21/2013 19:23 PM

Welcome here little sister...

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Please take the time to browse through the Healing Library for some answers to some of the questions you'll have.

Understand that his behaviour has nothing to do with you. It is a choice that he made. If there were issues with your marriage, he could have come to you to work on them. His behaviour was selfish and disrespectful, and was nothing more than a way to stroke his little ego. I suspect his ego is rather fragile underneath with how he seems to bully and not support you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of you and stay healthy as best you can. Counseling and seeing a doctor are great ways to get support. I suggest you also consult a lawyer to at leat find out what your rights and options are.

You deserve better than he is treating you. You need to believe this and you need to be willing to stand up for you. I would think really hard about what what changes you need to see from him over the long term and what behaviour is unacceptable. I would share this with him, but only if you are willing to back it up with action. Let him know that it's his choice as to how he follows up.

Your WH is not displaying any remorseful behaviour other than saying he has cut off the affair. There is quite a bit more required for succesful reconciliation and rebuilding of a marriage. Until you start seeing some of the changes you need to see I would work hard on the 180 as a way to focus and rebuild yourself independently.

Respect yourself and respect your rights in this relationship. Don't let his behaviour determine your worth. Believe in yourself and keep true to what's important to you. It takes effort and it takes time, but if you can commit to yourself you will move forward with your life in one way or another.

You're gonna be okay.

simply5 posted 10/21/2013 19:41 PM

You guys have already helped!!!! I still have trouble validating/accepting this reality. Truthfully no matter what, I still think it's all my fault (crazy, I know).

One question...what is the 180?

SerJR posted 10/21/2013 19:42 PM

Copy these links in the browser address bar to view them for info on the 180.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

simply5 posted 10/21/2013 19:45 PM

As an addendum, he came home from work tonight much later than usual. Since he has decided to not eat dinner with us over the weekend, I decided to clean up and put everything away. Since the "work excuse" was convenient, the only thing he says to me is "do I not get to eat anymore?". Here is a prime example of the manipulative behavior!!!! I figured I've had enough of being made a fool of by cooking dinner and having him not eat it. Everything here gets turned around into a blame-the-victim scenario.

SerJR posted 10/21/2013 20:06 PM

Yes, that sounds like a damned if you do, damned if you don't type of situation, and does sound like emotional bullying. This is a perfect example of where the 180 can help you to disengage from the back-and-forth and demonstrate that you are becoming independent. A casual reply such as "I'm sorry you feel upset by that" or "Oh, I didn't know you'd be back - there's some fishsticks in the freezer if you're hungry" helps to disarm the situation and demonstrate independence.
The 180 isn't an easy thing to get right immediately, but with determination and patience it has proven to be a sanity saver.

simply5 posted 10/21/2013 20:24 PM

Thank you!!! I've printed off that whole thing for a little bedtime reading....LOL....all the 180 rules are awesome (I see where I've been going wrong at times). So glad I reached out. Maybe I'll regain some self esteem at some point!!!

caregiver9000 posted 10/21/2013 20:43 PM

You WILL regain self esteem. Faster if you listen to you (and the sympathetic souls here) than if you listen to him.

Repeat often: It is not all your fault! His actions are not your fault AT ALL. Issues in the marriage may exist. They do not excuse or lead to justification for cheating. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. No how, no way.