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2 - 5 years - Damn it's true

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self-rescuer posted 10/21/2013 20:03 PM

Geeez - I am just so stinkin tired of the residual crap from my ex's affair.

I have a series of strong and happy weeks. My life is productive. My kids are doing well. I've even met a really, really nice man.

But sadly I can still get leveled by a trigger or in this case new information.

I ran into a longtime co-worker of my XWH. She knew all the players and hers was a different perspective on the relationship. She no longer talks to my ex and she and her office mates have lost all respect for him.

But she gave me details that I did not need. She really thought I knew. Some of the information was just heartbreaking.

I'm feeling, two years out from d-day weak and wounded. It somehow feels fresh again. Actually, I feel crushed.

I made the observation that try as we may - there is no beating to 2-5 year projected recovery.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

flygirl123 posted 10/21/2013 20:32 PM

I'm entering year 3, and its
is still painful as hell somedays...but definitely light years far better than where I was initially.

It still comes in waves...but the waves are much more bearable than way back then.

I know I have come a long way but still have a long way to go. Two more years? I can handle that.

Hugs to you. I know, I do know.

phmh posted 10/21/2013 20:37 PM


I can't wait until I can give you those hugs in person :)

You are a wonderful, strong, lady. You helped me though more than you'll ever know. I'm sorry you were triggered, but you'll get through this!

inconnu posted 10/21/2013 20:58 PM

Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but also remember just how very far you've already come.

This is just a dip on the roller coaster, and you've already learned that it's not a permanent place you'll be stuck in. You will have plenty more of the strong and happy weeks. (((self-rescuer)))

Feeling Consumed posted 10/21/2013 23:33 PM

(((self-rescuer))) Good advice from everyone. I am also coming up on my 3rd antiversary and just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days, definitely more good days than just even a year ago, and even the bad days aren't as bad as they have been in the past, but they still definitely crop up.

I remember when I was a month out from dday, I went to a Divorce Care meeting - there was a woman there who was 2 years out and what stuck in my mind was that she cried and cried and cried! I thought to myself, if that is me in 2 years, just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Well, that was almost 3 years ago and somedays I cry and cry and cry.

I think you are right that we may need the full 5 years to get totally oblivious to this. Only 2 more years to go! Like flygirl123 said, I can handle that!

Vulcanized posted 10/22/2013 01:38 AM


I'm 4 years out & still have days. A few days ago, I was thinking I'm never going to get over this. Yesterday, I didn't think of any of it for the first 6 or 7 hours of the day.

It eases up, it really does.

self-rescuer posted 10/22/2013 06:34 AM

Ah y'all - thank you. Thank you for ALWAYS being willing to generously share your own experience to give me some perspective.

Ugh - the truth is that I loved him so totally and completely. We were the ones who would grow old together...


Well, the sun is rising in Georgia! Gotta face this day knowing that my SI friends have my back!

newnormal posted 10/22/2013 07:25 AM

First time it was a little under 2 years. Second time a little over 5 years. But the really cool thing from my perspective? YOU DO GET OVER IT!

I look back at all I accomplished over the past few years. How strong I am now (so much better off alone than if I had stayed). But most of all: how happy I am now. People I run into occasionally say I haven't looked this happy in over a decade.

It gets better. You will survive. You will thrive. Focus your pain for good and rock on!

self-rescuer posted 10/22/2013 07:32 AM

Dont retreat, reload

Thanks Newnormal - this is my new moto!

Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 12:12 PM

It seems to be part of life that people feel the need for us to know what the WH's are doing. I don't know why that is, is it human nature?

I'm trying to handle that very thing today and am noticing some changes in myself as I go through the process. Some good ones.

Two years out we've had some time but I don't see why we're immune yet...after all, we had a ton invested in these people and they were a big part of life. Two years isn't a great deal of time, in some ways, and especially for monumental trauma and change.

In my case, change is still stampeding ahead at the hands of the XPervert, so that I and DD aren't able to heal.

Two years is only two holidays, two anniversaries and so on.

Maybe there's a way to reharness our reactions to XWH news? I've been trying to figure this out because I want no more wasted life at this awful, souless person's hands. I want to feel joy again and I don't think I need an SO to do it.

When I did hear the rumors this time, though I stood up for myself and told the rumor mill stirrer my terms. It shut her up a little and confused her.

Maybe there's a way to feel weak and wounded for a little while and then not think of it again? But this is easier said than done.

I tell myself little mantras, like, "I'm still here", "I'm still getting up every day", "my kids aren't sick from my cooking" and so on.

We don't have to let this be so important, as someone told me recently, or the person who is our XWH. Mine's been gone two years too and I can't figure out why he still affects me this way, except that negative things always stood out to me more and longer than positive.

Why is that?

ETA to agree with newnormal. In this period of time with all the baby care, my appearance is sorely neglected. Yet people are complimentary of my appearance and I don't understand it.

Recently I've lost some huge amounts of physical pain and maybe that's what they mean, I've lost huge amounts of weight too, but as for hair, makeup, being put together-not happening right now. But people comment that my face looks clearer and one said "You have a glow".

Also caught the XPervert gazing at me once when I fell asleep with the baby in my lap. Gave me shudders.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 12:15 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

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