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plainpain posted 10/21/2013 20:29 PM

I've been drinking, so perhaps I'll be a little more honest than I should be right now. I'm one of those women who used to deep down think that men cheated because their wives didn't know how to 'take care of them'. My parents both cheated. My dad was the quintessential 'nice guy' who had an affair because he was always getting accused of cheating and figured he might as well do it if he was getting blamed for it. My mom slept with three men in one day and then told my dad (after she finished having sex with him). She had an abortion after I was born, and I still suspect it wasn't my dad's baby. I don't have any sense of what 'normal' is.

I thought I had a beautiful marriage. I adored my husband, told everyone within hearing distance that I was married to the greatest man alive. I stroked his ego. I supported him. I trusted him. I gave him freedom. I cooked and cleaned and went to all the parent/teacher interviews. I made excuses for him, defended his behavior, rubbed his feet, gave him every which kind of sex. What didn't I do? He cheated because he is an ASS, that's why.

He lied to me, deceived me, betrayed me AND our children. He stole the narrative of 18 years of my life. I don't know who I was married to. Now she is PREGNANT. Holy F**K, was I ever STUPID! Men don't want trust, fidelity, support, encouragement or respect - they want bum sex with women not old enough to know or understand what an ASS they are.

I feel like writing a letter to every cheated-on woman I ever knew and apologizing for being so judgmental. I just did not understand. And now I am that woman, and I can't even keep it a secret - I have to tell my CHILDREN. I have to tell my MOTHER. I have to endure the gossip and the judgement and the secretly superior attitudes. I am so, so, so humiliated and embarrassed.

So. I am only asking this because I have been drinking, and it is a stupid question to ask, and I will regret it tomorrow. BUT. Will the pregnancy factor buy me any sympathy in this at all, or am I still going to be the wife who 'let herself go, didn't give him enough sex, blah blah blah'? Just wondering what I'm in for when this all comes out.

This is not my life. I hate men. I hate women. I hate every person ever born who does not know how not to be CRUEL to another human being for no good reason other than that you have LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Oh. My. God. Maybe try being a DECENT PERSON, and you'll have some self-esteem!!!

I hope I'm in the right forum for this. Blah.

PolyGal posted 10/21/2013 21:05 PM


Me too

Hugs for you. I don't judge you. He did it because he's an ass, not because you did anything wrong. Whether it's right or wrong, sure, some people "go outside" because they aren't getting it at home. Well guess what some people go outside even when they do get it at home. Even when they can have it basically any time they want it. Because they can't be honest and because they don't have any respect for themselves or the people who love them. It's not about us. It's about their own cowardly pathetic inabilities to be decent human beings.

Screw this. We're better than this. We deserve better than this. Time to lawyer up.

LMomof2 posted 10/21/2013 21:16 PM

Yep yours is an ass just like mine. I too thought I had a wonderful life. But I was blindsided by a cheating, lying ass, too. Hang in there. He must take ownership of his actions...not your fault. I do believe in Karma. Keep strong

standinghere posted 10/22/2013 01:47 AM

am I still going to be the wife who 'let herself go, didn't give him enough sex, blah blah blah'? Just wondering what I'm in for when this all comes out.

Every good MC, and most bad ones will know that this has nothing to do with it.

Every woman and man who has been cheated on by their spouse, who has half a brain, will know that it has nothing to do with you...AND THERE ARE AN AWFUL LOT OF US OUT THERE.

You did what you could, most of us did what we could, and it just is never enough...because the person who does this to another person has a hole in them that nobody else can ever fill.

I thought I had a beautiful marriage.

I did and still do have a beautiful marriage, but it went off the tracks in a big way and it took years, and years, and years to fix it back up. I could not understand why she did what she did, and she did things that were pretty awful, to me, when I simply adored her.

Hang in there...IT AIN'T YOU.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/22/2013 02:57 AM

So. I am only asking this because I have been drinking, and it is a stupid question to ask, and I will regret it tomorrow. BUT. Will the pregnancy factor buy me any sympathy in this at all, or am I still going to be the wife who 'let herself go, didn't give him enough sex, blah blah blah'? Just wondering what I'm in for when this all comes out.


Be sure to read the forum I Can Relate and then choose the one that says OC thread -- it's for those whose WS had another child.

To answer your question,,, at first everyone we knew didn't know who to believe about the affair. I got support thru everyone who knew me and loved me. Finally, 2 years later, more people are coming to my side because they realize WS lied to them about the affair.

However, he basically has dropped everyone who was his friend, our family friends, his own family, for the OW. They live together, he got a her a job at his work, they only have each other. They are living in a fantasy world. Now, more people are coming to my side, but I am at a place where I don't care who does what. I've been thru hell, and I really only count my friends as the ones who listened to me by the hour as I cried, and tried to decipher the whole mess.

I went to counseling and my counselor had been cheated on by her H, so she could relate.

She said to give my children security. Show them how to be strong in the face of adversity. And be very classy.

It has paid off as my children are in marching band, honor students, etc.

One thing I felt was that my children are having to go thru this pain without drugs or alcohol, so out of respect for them, I decided to do the same. It's been 2 years, and I promise I am going to "tie one one" pretty soon when they are with their Dad for 2 weeks at Christmas,, but for the last year I got us into church and counseling and stayed away from alcohol, etc.

I also tried to get the kids out of town as often as possible - even a city an hour away just to have something else to focus on. I spent alot of those early days planning a trip for us to take that summer, but really the getting away on my weekends REALLY helped us cope.

Plain pain, keep posting here, you have a lot on your plate, but you are going to end up in a better place than your WS.

BTW-- side note--- the OW is cheating on my XWS and has been since the very beginning, but her OM won't leave his wife...

refuz2bavictim posted 10/22/2013 03:41 AM

I hate men. I hate women. I hate every person ever born who does not know how not to be CRUEL to another human being for no good reason other than that you have LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

Boy do I remember feeling like this. It was a lonely place.

I am so, so, so humiliated and embarrassed.

It is hard not to feel that way. Especially when we were so certain of the stability of our M's, and when we spoke of it to others. But this is not your humiliation to endure, it's theirs.

And while some petty people may reduce your story into their personal reality show, and they may make false judgments, remember that their judgement will say NOTHING about you. It shows how ignorant they are, and god forbid they ever walk in your shoes...because from a statistical standpoint, they may, and maybe already are, and just don't know it yet. Don't take the judgment of others to heart.

Any person who may be entertained by your misfortune, is acting as a complete an utter ASS. I know. I may have been an ass a time or two myself. Now that I've walked a mile or 5 in those shoes, I know better, and I offer support instead.

It's a journey, and I'm sorry you are hurting.

Girlietoo posted 10/22/2013 07:01 AM

I judged too. Not in the same way really, I was always annoyed when BWs were made at the OW when it was their husband that they should hate. Woah, did my tune change when my husband cheated:/

In my heart I know I only blame/hate the AP because I still love my husband and I need to take my anger out on someone. But boy, have I learned a lesson in judging a situation I've never been in.

What I have learned through this horrible experience is that many, many people I know have had the same experience in their own relationships. And they understand everything I am going through and don't judge me.

solus sto posted 10/22/2013 07:45 AM

I don't know if the pregnancy will "buy sympathy." In my experience, most people are plenty sympathetic when they learn of an infidelity. I told few--but was shocked at how many, among those I told, had been cheated on. They understood.

It's not about judgment. It really isn't. You may have been judgmental in the past---but if you'd had a dear friend who was cheated on and witnessed her devastation, I don't think your response would have been what you described. You might have had a blanket, "Women whose husbands cheat don't take care of their men!" stance prior, but you would surely have thought--given real-life experience, that your friend had been grievously and very unfairly harmed by a man who betrayed her love. You are apt to encounter this when you tell people.

In reality, though, your hardships just won't have lasting impact on most other people--even those close to you. I noticed this during the times my mother and brother were dying, and later during the fallout of infidelity. I remember sitting at an intersection with my sister the day my brother died, and saying, "All of these people around us are living their lives--they have no idea that P is going to die today. Our lives are falling apart, and everything else in the world is continuing like it's normal." People do care--but they have lives of their own. The world DOES continue to revolve on its axis, and the lives of others march on, unhindered---as they should.

So they murmur their I'm sorries---and then go on with their lives because, really, it's like ANY hardship another person experiences: external to them. They have their own struggles--some big, some small. But struggle is universal.

You will likely learn, when you tell people, that some who have been in your shoes, people who really understand. Some may check in on you often--as they might after a death--to support you. I had a friend who surprised me by doing this for ....well, she's STILL doing it, 4 years after the fact! When she hasn't seen me for a while, she makes sure I'm okay and thinks up something for us to do, finds something for me to be involved in. (I don't need this now--really, she'll suggest getting coffee at this point, but for a while, she was helping ensure my connection with the rest of the world by very subtly engineering my participation in committees, social action groups I feel strongly about, etc. She is BRILLIANT, and I love her for this.)

But by and large, it's like death--only with no real social customs to back it up. People will be sad for you. But there will be no casseroles delivered, no prescribed period of mourning.

Others' lives will go on as normal.

And no, they won't be judging YOU. You did nothing. Your husband did.

(It saddens me that this is your concern. I do understand the fear of telling others--but not for this reason; I was scared because it was the kind of news that, once delivered, is OUT THERE. The judgment I feared was whether people would think I was nuts if I decided to reconcile. And even that, I learned, was misguided. People, to be honest, are so wrapped up in their lives that they just don't care NEARLY as much about what ours are like as we think they do.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:49 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Sammy2013 posted 10/22/2013 07:46 AM

I feel everything you do. It hurts so much, but I feel like I can't lean on people because I am so ashamed that I wasn't able to keep my husband from straying. It's even worse when your husband tells you that's why he strayed ("you weren't affectionate enough." "When we did make love (which averaged 5 times a week for our entire 12 year marriage minus births and him traveling for work) it felt like you were checking something off your to do list"). I am so ashamed. I feel like people will look at me and be like "That's what happens when you don't get that 20lbs of baby weight off!! He went to a marathon runner!"

So I feel you. I'm trying to come to terms with myself right now. Some wonderful people on this site helped me tremendously last night. So, know that I don't judge you at all. The pregnancy thing makes him an even bigger idiot. ((((Hugs))))

tushnurse posted 10/22/2013 08:51 AM


I hope your head isn't hurtin too much today.

I have a few thought on this. Those that judge haven't been there, and are usually ignorant of the dynamics of real relationships. What you will find, and this is what surprised me, is the vast number of people that infidelity effects, and those people are very willing to support you in your choices, and how you choose to move forward from here.
As far as the OC goes - If this baby truly is his, which I still have doubts on, then you cross that bridge when you get there. This isn't the time to feel sorry for you, you're a mom, and right now is the time to figure out the best way to protect your kids from this mess. How to protect them financially, How to protect them if they find out about all of this, meaning that they may have to know they have a half sibling, and how that will all go down.

Stop worrying about the past, and what you said. You don't know what you don't know, until you know it. Then when you look back, you learn from it. You have learned. Now you move forward. You get that his cheating had zero to do with the kind of wife you are, the kind of mom you are, how you look, or how you perfom in bed. You get now (i hope) that his choices were his choices because he is broken, and has issues that he has to fix in himself.

((((and strength))))

MJane posted 10/22/2013 09:01 AM

Hi there, your words "He stole the narrative of 18 years of my life" soooo resonated...I feel like my H has tainted the years we were together and even our coming together when I got to read emails that basically duplicated his courtship of me and all his head-over-heels "you are the love of my life" spin...I look at moments I thought we were so happy (like the week of the birth of our child - and now i know he snuck away for sex while i was lying in bed with our newborn). I know what you mean about fearing the shame but as others here have said I am coming to the view that those that judge me have never lived through this and the shame is not mine to own....more than anything I want to shout at him every day "how could you have done this to me, to us and to our new family you moron!!!?"

plainpain posted 10/22/2013 11:25 AM

Thank you all so much. I am working really hard at not becoming bitter, not giving in to spite, vindictiveness and fury. It feels like this is just an added layer to what I have to forgive him for - for putting me in a position where I have to fight so hard just to maintain my own personal integrity, while at the same time not being overcome by my own self-righteousness.

Part of me wants to find some way to look forward and believe that good can come out of all this. But I don't want to LEARN anything from this. I don't want anything GOOD to come out of this. I don't want to ever look back and say, 'Wow, I'm grateful for that experience - look what it taught me'. If that baby of hers grows up to find the cure for cancer, I will shoot myself in the face and stomp on my own grave. Ok, that's a little dramatic.

My mother-in-law already thinks it is my fault because I didn't work hard enough, I didn't keep a clean enough house and I didn't make pickles. I stop myself from reminding her that she worked really hard, she kept an immaculate house and she made pickles, and her husband had at least three affairs. In fact, she was one of his affairs, and she got pregnant with his child while married to her first husband. And he had two other children from affairs. So maybe, MAYBE, my H didn't have an affair because I didn't wash the floors clean enough. Maybe it had SOMETHING to do with the fact that he grew up in an amoral, violent, psychologically abusive,misogynistic home. The fact that my H grew up to be an adulterer instead of a serial killer is stunning in itself.

I have anger issues right now. Yes, no more drinking... point taken.

Charity411 posted 10/22/2013 11:43 AM

Your post really struck a cord with me. Both of them actually. I can remember the feeling of utter failure as a woman when my husband cheated. And I so remember the knowing glances people I thought were my friends would exchange.

With years of distance from that time, I now realize it's a defense mechanism a lot of the time. Other wives view us sort of the same way some people react when they find out a friend has cancer. We've eaten up another chunk of the percentage of people who will have affairs wreck their marriage. Thus they have a slightly reduced chance of it happening to them. Or of getting cancer.

Your pickles comments slay me. I made pickles. I make every kind of pickle known to man kind. If that's what it takes to be desirable why am I single? It's funny what we conjure up as the reasons we failed when going through this.

You have a great sense on humor and wonderful honesty. You'll be fine. It just doesn't seem like it now.

BrokenPieces posted 10/22/2013 15:18 PM

((((HUGE HUGS))) sweetie. I really know where you are coming from. I too was SO judgmental. Especially with women who had young kids and were divorced (or were going through a divorce). I always said, "Why in the heck did they bring another baby into a marriage that was having so many problems! How could they NOT know??"
Then it happened to me. I did everything for my husband. Everything. Then I found out. I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old baby. I had to learn how to not care about what other people thought about me. That I wasn't living for the opinions of others, but myself.

angerisme posted 10/22/2013 15:47 PM

I honestly wish I could hug you right now. I wish we could scream and yell and throw shit and just have a 9 line fit! The problem would all be there with the addition of a ton of broken glass to clean up. That is what an affair is. Its a temper tantrum by a child. Maybe that child thinks he should be richer or smarter or more handsome. Maybe the boss yelled at him on the same day a lonely woman approached him with a smile or maybe he is a sex addict who has been gradually increasing his thrills and finally graduates to prostitutes. WHATEVER gets under these weak peoples' skin...IT WAS NOT BECAUSE YOU LET YOURSELF GO OR GAINED 40 LBS OR GOT ANOTHER WRINKLE OR YELLED ABOUT THE FORGOTTEN GROCERIES. It is just because they are broken and lost from childhood with a deep, empty hole that gets a tiny bit of relief by pretending to be someone else for a few hours. The reason that so few "affairs" last as real relationships is because once all the hiding and secrecy is exposed...they see each other for the broken, flawed human beings they truly are.

In any event...would you have married a broken person that you KNEW would cheat? ABSOLUTELY NOT! and that is the reason I decided to divorce my lying, cheating, manipulative husband.

need_hope posted 10/22/2013 15:57 PM

But I don't want to LEARN anything from this. I don't want anything GOOD to come out of this. I don't want to ever look back and say, 'Wow, I'm grateful for that experience - look what it taught me'.


I TOTALLY get that. But what I finally realized was that my growth and strength didn't occur because of the affairs that destroyed my life. It occurred because of how I chose to handle the destruction of my life.

tushnurse posted 10/22/2013 20:04 PM

The two things you must absolutely learn from this is how strong you are, and that what other people think about you doesn't matter, you and only you are responsible for your own happiness.

If you come out the other side knowing those 2 things you will be amazed at how wonderfully fufilling life can be.

bionicgal posted 10/22/2013 20:34 PM

This experience has the chance to help all of us grow in a myriad of ways. One lesson, for many if us, is that we may want to be less judgemental in the future. Like many people here, I thought my marriage was too good to suffer from this, and thought that adulterers were creeps.

So yes, it is embarrassing,but also a chance to grow. Most people who shame people who have affairs have no clue. You are justifiably angry, but now is not the time to concern yourself with what other people think.

And the pickles comment had me rolling.... I, in fact, can make pickles, and my H still cheated. I can't see where homemade pickles are the key to a happy marriage. But, I thought a lot of silly things would keep me safe. . Always signing emails 'love,' never going to bed mad, my husband having a family picture as his phone screen saver. . Guess what, he swiped right by that to get to OWs emails.

So, what does keep us safe? That's what everyone really wants to know when they are being critical. Communication. Honesty. Intimacy, and working hard on us. I'm off on a tangent but I guess what I am saying, is that most people don't have a freaking clue about marriage. I don't think I did.

So, screw 'em.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

storm77 posted 10/22/2013 21:04 PM

I most certainly feel your pain! I still wonder what people will think or say about me. My H and I started MC a few days after I found out. The first thing I learned was that I was not alone. Our pastor and MC was also a BS. He gave me some other examples of people who are going through and have been through a very similar situation. I was so shocked and then thought...what the #%$^ is wrong with all of these people. Our MC told us to take our time in telling people because some people just want to know your business while other will be there to support you no matter what. The first people to know in our circle were all men and they asked me to forgive my husband. This made me so angry until recently. These were all men who my H considered to be his best friends. One friend beat my husband up...secretly this made me happy They are still best friends. This friend was also the one who called and checked on not only my H but me everyday.
I have only told two women. Both were very supportive and said none of it was my fault and it was all on him. Our 10 year old knows as well. This was the hardest part as I wanted to shelter her...but she kept asking questions..."did daddy cheat on you"? I finally told her and I was shocked that she seemed relieved to know what was going on and why I was crying all the time. She wrote my husband and I a letter where she said that she wanted us to stay a family. She also told H that she angry with him and expected him to work hard to rebuilt out family "brick by brick".
I too feel humiliated but know that one day that will pass. I did not do anything to deserve this and neither did you. So my butt is a little bigger...He is larger than he was and I did not stray. We can at least say..hey babies came out of me...what is your excuse!
With regards to your family history..I have come to realize that every family is CRAZY. Just depends on what kind of crazy. My grandmother is a BS. My mother is also a BS. I got the pleasure of telling her that my stepfather was cheating her while all the adults around us knew and kept her in the dark. I agonized over telling her..What if what I saw and heard was not what I thought it was. Later I found out that my sister had caught him cheating and said nothing. All I know is that my normal is just that...My normal. Anyone who judges me is welcome to come walk in my shoes for a while. I could use the break!

Want2help posted 10/22/2013 21:51 PM

Plainpain, you described how I felt 6 years ago. Exactly. Hell, I felt that way 3-4 years ago. The fact that he cheated? Devastating and humiliating. The fact that a BABY came out of?? Unthinkable.

I was humiliated. For a couple of years. We split up over the A, so everyone knew. EVERYONE.

6 years out, we are now thought of as the couple who can survive everything. I actually had to remind my dear cousin that he conceived OC during the A, even though she was my biggest confidant.

The affair, the OW, and the OC have not defined us. Our (MY) strength has.


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