:( wish I had something helpful to say. I just make sure she knows I love her, none of this is her fault, and her fathers shitty choices are his to own- she can be angry and has every right to call him out on his behavior (even though he doesn't want to hear it and won't take responsibility for all the pain he and his whore caused so many others).
It's OKAY to be scared.
Being scared means you're about
to do something really, really brave.
STBXH and I have it written into our agreement that after age 14, the kids get a say in whether or not they want visitation. We did it mainly because of hectic High School schedules, but it could also apply to antagonistic teens.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Nobody wants therapy, but that doesn't make them need it any less.
When I was in the ER after my suicide attempt, they sent in a psychiatrist to talk to me. She asked what I was thinking about, and I said, "The client meeting I have scheduled for 9:45 tomorrow morning."
To me, that seemed like a perfectly sane answer. To her, it seemed like I wasn't ready to confront my demons yet. She committed me to the psych ward for a week.
That is approaching two years ago, and I still see a shrink every two weeks. It's the best thing I've ever done. We are slowly working through my issues (it ain't fast!), and I'm feeling stronger than I ever have in my life.
About 6 weeks ago, I stopped taking the antidepressants, and am feeling pretty good. I didn't think I needed therapy, but it was life-changing.
And thank fucking christ I was in it when I discovered the Princess is a whore. It gave me the strength I needed. If I hadn't been in therapy, that probably would have pushed me to another suicide attempt.
So I guess that's a long way of saying, you may want to consider forcing them to do therapy.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Also, my teens were allowed to chose to participate in visitations. Is that something your teens could do? They currently don't have any contact with stbx. They both see a therapist and psychiatrist.
Teen years are such a fragile and vulnerable age. Hugs to them and a big hug to you!
Perhaps you and your kids go together for a few sessions and then see what happens.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
This is it. The darkest day. The blackest hour. Chin up, shoulders back. Let's see what we're made of, you and I.
― The Doctor
I agree with your counselor. We have to let them feel like they are in control of "something" in their lives right now given that it has been completely destroyed by the cheating parent.
It was a very hard journey and one of my kids was seriously at risk during this time. But we have all survived and are the stronger and healthier for it now. Just keep on top of where they are and who they are with and what they are doing and just be present at home to listen when they are ready to talk.
[This message edited by rainagain at 9:28 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
I believe him because I tried counseling for him when he was little and the counselor literally through up her hands after a couple months and said there is no sense in coming until he is ready.
So I made sure DS knew it was an option when he was ready.
I also talked to the school and they had a program called Banana Splits. They pair children with children who have BTDT. Surprisingly, the counselor reported back that DS was able to open up that route.
Both of my children started out going to visitation but after a pretty short period of time one decided she doesn't want to go and the other does go. We agreed not to force it on the one that does not want to go. It has stayed like this for almost 4 years now.
You are very early into it so give it time, stay observant and do not be afraid to revisit the arrangement if it does not seem to be working for your kiddos.