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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Divorce final by the end of the week
velvetglove
♀ 38786
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I'm new on this forum (I previously posted my story on JFO if you want to read it.) I haven't been on SI much lately because being a single mom to a 9 month old is pretty time consuming.

My atty told me that he should be notified by the end of the week that the divorce is final and I will be getting the paperwork in another week or so.

It happened faster that I thought it would. My STBXWH basically fast-tracked the whole thing so he could walk away completely. He signed over all of his parental rights (which I knew he would do) so he can start over with his new GF (fiance, I think.)

I feel completely numb now. Is that normal? I thought I'd grieve, or be angry, or even relieved. But I don't feel anything. I've been on the emotional rollercoaster for some time and now it's like I don't care anymore.

I don't know what to expect next. Maybe I'm in denial that I'm about to be single again, officially. A single mom with a beautiful baby girl who is eating baby food and doing very well. I've got a very supportive family and I'm trying to count my blessings.

I realize I'm rambling, but my thoughts are conflicted and really a mess.

Trying to look forward to the future: moving out of my sister's place and out on my own, going back to school maybe, being a good mom.

What happens next? Any advice for me?


Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((velvetglove)))) Welcome to D/S, honey.

The quick answer is that there is no normal. Or that everything and anything is normal, which ever way you look at it. Whatever you are currently feeling? Is normal.

Numb is understandable, given how quickly everything has unfolded for you. The one thing you can count on is that the roller coaster isn't done with you yet. There will be lows ahead, but there will also be highs, too.

Hang in there. What ever feelings come up, embrace them. Lean into them and allow yourself to process them. The only way past all this is through it.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26192 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, what?? How did he get away with signing away his parental rights? That is uncommon and usually due to abuse or incarceration or other serious factors. How is it fair to your child to go without child support?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your STBXWH has NO IDEA what he is losing out on by signing away his parental rights. If he's capable of doing that, then you are well rid of him. No wonder you're numb.

Here's hoping that the future will bring you the partner you deserve.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
velvetglove
♀ 38786
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather, I agreed to let him walk away for several reasons. First, he let me have the house and car and all of our assets as part of the agreement (so he doesn't have to pay CS.)

The main reason is that he has basically revealed himself to be a sociopath and I feel it is best to get him out of my life so he doesn't do something truly scary.

In a nutshell, he's left me for another woman who doesn't know that he was married or has a child and he doesn't want her to know. I have no idea who this woman is and he has dropped contact almost entirely with his friends and family and moved out of town to avoid her learning of me and his baby.

I was going to go after him, but after a lot of thought (and counseling) I realize he could be capable of anything and I'm lucky to get away from him without any serious consequences.

Thanks, everyone for your support. I just can't get over how weird I feel.


Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. It's just not in the state's interest to do so and generally not a choice. I was mostly curious about how that went down. Sounds like the safest route for your child for sure. I wish you much peace in this process.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow what a prize. So pleased you will be divorced and this douche is out of your life.

It's normal to feel numb.

Try and look forward, work out what you want to do with your life and start working at that. Goals can be small or large and doesn't necessarily mean dating some new one new. Take care of yourself.

When you're ready head over to the NB forum we are all trying to forge ahead in new directions.

Best of luck to you and your little girl.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The main reason is that he has basically revealed himself to be a sociopath and I feel it is best to get him out of my life so he doesn't do something truly scary.

It may not feel like it now, but you are extremely fortunate he is gone from your life. If you venture over to the NPD forum you can read about the horrific stories of ongoing abuse from these sicko individuals toward the x-spouses, and also abuse by proxy of the children to get back at the x spouses.

I am so sorry you have gone through all this, but so happy you escaped.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:24 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Jan 2010
lifestoshort
♀ 18442
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. there is NO normal. sometimes you are a basketcase for weeks or maybe just days and then it hits again out of no where. sometimes, you just are numb and or happy. Ive had it all with different ex's. depends on the person I guess. If you are deeply and truly in love and wanted it to work no matter what, then its gunna be harder to let go.

as far as him terminating rights, did he signs papers that say that or just a letter saying he wants no visitation and such?

I have no shared kids but I can tell you raising a child alone was the most rewarding thing I have ever had happen to me. I never really was overly exhausted or resentful. i had no one to count on so I just went on. I would so it again in a heartbeat :)

congrats on it being over. breathe. journal. sing.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2008
velvetglove
♀ 38786
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. I'm feeling very hopeful today that my daughter and I will have a great future.


Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
anewday78
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Velvet, I remember your story well. I'm glad you're checking in with us. I'm so sorry for all you've been through but, honestly, I think given your situation this news should be more of a relief than anything else. Having that psychopath signing off all rights to your daughter is truly a blessing - she's too innocent to be touched by the kind of evil a sociopath is capable of impressing upon those within his reach. Breathe deep and keep on your course towards a healthier, happier future free of that disease.
(((Velvet)))

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Lisa2You
♀ 39764
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I've learned through all this is that whatever you're feeling is right. It's a process, so you may be numb now, angry tomorrow, and grieving the next day. It's all normal. And it's not on some kind of continuum; there aren't steps you go through and then are over with it all.

Accept where you are today. Then repeat for every day after that.

Your baby girl is your priority. You're going to have a wonderful life with her!


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think numb is perfectly normal. As you move down into New Beginnings, we call it the "lethal plane of flatness". Sometimes it just hits, I personally think it is a place to recharge your emotional batteries. Or reset them.

I took one step at a time. It was all so overwhelming, losing everything I knew. I moved my kids 1.5 hours away, liquidated everything I could, found a great school and new house for my kids, then started school myself. I broke it down into a priority list and just took it one step at a time. I didn't date for a year and just got myself settled into therapy and my new life.

Keep posting!!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was numb for a year after. Just try to get thru each day.

Your child is better not getting attached to the father and then in later years the father leaves. I know. I should have left when I was pregnant and POS H was at topless bars.

Now, my 16 year old and 13 year old have so many memories of us as a family, that this has upended their whole being, way of life, etc. It shocked them right in a time of their life when they should be only having fun!

Create a good environment for your child and be a classy as you can every single day!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2325 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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