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courageous posted 10/21/2013 22:39 PM

I have a IC appointment tomorrow. It's the first one since the end of August. I have done a lot of denial and "damage control" since then. I only scheduled the appointment because I had a huge rape trigger. I was talking to my SO about what kind of stuff he would be comfortable doing sexually. He said that whatever we ever ended up doing I had to be comfortable with and that it didn't hurt me. Right then I heard a conversation start playing in my head from a similar conversation when married to exwh except it went scary. Exwh is a whore. He started having sex at 11. He was 20 when we started dating and he had already had 8 sexual partners before me. When we were married he wanted to know every sexual position and act I did with any guys before him because he didn't want some guy doing something with me that he hadn't. I told him that I had tried something with a boyfriend while I was pretty drunk and didn't like it and it hurt. Exwh said he didn't care if it hurt me or not that he didn't want a memory of some guy doing something with me in my mind. That moment scared me about when the day would come that he would actually force me to do something sexually that I didn't want to do and knew would really hurt me.

That is what I classify rape as... If he had went thru with his intentions on that I would have done something about it because THAT is rape to me. But then I thought how different is that from what he a already did? Why did this seem like such a bigger deal to me?

The conversation really put me in a freak out mode with SO. I think that is what added to the huge issue we had last week. I was so desperate to make sure he wasn't like exwh, that he wouldn't hurt me.

I don't want to sweep my issues under the rug but I truly don't know how to address them or face them. I feel so lost.

2 nights ago I had my first rape dream. Since I no longer live in the martial home, my room at my parents' house has become my sanctuary. I dreamed exwh was in my room talking about kid issues wih me when he started to force himself on me and pin me down. I was completely helpless. I was able to pinch his neck but that didn't do anything. I couldn't defend myself. And that's what it feels like now. I realize I am defenseless.

Edited to correct spelling..... I was falling asleep typing

[This message edited by courageous at 6:28 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 10/22/2013 02:53 AM

Good for you for getting that appointment set up. I hope that your IC can help you get back to a place of peace.

Another member was just writing about how a recent dream felt like a huge setback. It is so hard, because we experience all the emotions we would in real life when we have an awful dream, and they are really hard to shake as not real because we have some kind of memory-imprint after the fact.

When the feelings and images come up from the dream, tell yourself "not real." Just say the words. You are in a new space. You are safe with your parents, and you know that your SO is committed to your safety and comfort.

The past hurts and is scary, but it's behind you. You are on a new path. You are more experienced, you are wiser, and you ARE courageous. Just talking all of this through isn't easy. You've come a long way from the woman who was with Exwh. It's ok to feel the fear from your memories, just let your rational mind have a say, and your IC will agree as well.

(((courageous)))

homewrecked2011 posted 10/22/2013 03:25 AM

Our divorces were final about the same time. I,too, find my mind wandering more now about different things.

I personally think it's because my focus was on the divorce, protecting my children thru it, that now my mind is a little clearer and stuff just comes in.

I think the IC is a great way to navigate all you are feeling now. I realize my issues are different than yours, but I also think I need to go back into IC...

THank you for your honesty in your post.

courageous posted 10/22/2013 06:31 AM

The funny thing is after the rape dream I then dreamed over and over that I was bashing the OW's face into the ground. I guess I really don't like her around my kids

Eta: I had to correct my spelling

[This message edited by courageous at 9:43 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 10/22/2013 21:20 PM

nowiknow23 posted 10/23/2013 08:26 AM

I hope your IC appointment is productive, courageous. Hang in there.

courageous posted 10/23/2013 22:30 PM

Thanks NIK. I have no idea how productive it was. It was nice to know that I will always be welcome to go back to the rape crisis center for counseling. My IC shares my faith which is nice but she also asks me questions and says things where I can just give the "church" answer.... it doesn't make a difference to me and I end up performing a little. Apparently when I last went in August I had taken the Beck depression test. They finally graded it. At that time I was moderately to significantly depressed.... I know I would score a lot higher now that I have actually hurt myself and been so self destructive. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow to hopefully get back on ADs and get some sleeping pills.

I show signs of PTSD again...this time because of the rape and not infidelity.... they are so intertwined that I don't know how to get help or what to do to get help. I'm in a sexual abuse support group at church... it's rough because they are dealing with child sexual abuse and not something that has happened within the last couple of years. When I talk in that class I start shaking like I have the shivers but I'm not cold.

I thought it was funny my IC said I was courageous for continuing to go to the class and that I'm a courageous person..... funny how that is my screen name. I really don't feel it... I don't feel anything any more. My IC had me sit with my eyes close and try to start feeling parts of my body. As soon as she had me close my eyes I started crying.

I have been forsaken. I am stuck in a shame cycle that I can't brake. I'm afraid to sleep. I hate my job. I am surrounded by toxicness. I am damaged and I am dirty. I can't be the person I want to be.

jjct posted 10/23/2013 23:00 PM

Nope. Not true. You're surrounded by thousands of hugs by strangers. Some may be punching your shoulders, some may be kicking your ass.

And the ones hugging and kicking and punching have all been damaged and kicked and punched the same way...

I've found that ass kicking lifts me in some way, but you'd have to address my anus calluses to get a better answer. Best to stand back though.

Jrazz posted 10/23/2013 23:17 PM

I have been forsaken

Not by anyone that matters.

(((courageous)))

cayc posted 10/24/2013 07:03 AM

I want to suggest something for you to think about. I recently spent a few months in a dark place due to xWH. Strange dreams, anxious all day, taking valerian root (i.e. natural valium) all day long to stay calm, just wound so tight, talking about xWH everyday, sought out counseling about it *through* my work which is something I thought I would never do.

And then, there was the strange turn of events with my (x)SO. And I stepped back from it rather than engaging in a battle. And ... all that tension dissapated almost overnight.

Now I'm faced with the thoughts, where was that tension coming from really. Was I really upset about xWH again? Or was I upset about something else and I went to the familiar place, the familiar thoughts as the source to obsess over and blame. Maybe it was my (x)SO that was really causing the tension and I didn't realize it.

I suggest this not because I don't believe that coming to terms with your xWH is not something you're grappling with nor that you're not still hurting from it, but because you've got some other pressures that might be exacerbating how you feel. That is, if you aren't making progress on this issue, if you're feeling like you're spiraling out of control, maybe it's really the other issue that is the catalyst. Or part of all the bad feelings you have now and the things are getting muddled fooling you into thinking there's only one cause, or tricking you into believing the cause when in fact it's really just the familiar issue to dump your pain on and it's the newer stuff that's ramped you up.

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