That is what I classify rape as... If he had went thru with his intentions on that I would have done something about it because THAT is rape to me. But then I thought how different is that from what he a already did? Why did this seem like such a bigger deal to me?
The conversation really put me in a freak out mode with SO. I think that is what added to the huge issue we had last week. I was so desperate to make sure he wasn't like exwh, that he wouldn't hurt me.
I don't want to sweep my issues under the rug but I truly don't know how to address them or face them. I feel so lost.
2 nights ago I had my first rape dream. Since I no longer live in the martial home, my room at my parents' house has become my sanctuary. I dreamed exwh was in my room talking about kid issues wih me when he started to force himself on me and pin me down. I was completely helpless. I was able to pinch his neck but that didn't do anything. I couldn't defend myself. And that's what it feels like now. I realize I am defenseless.
Edited to correct spelling..... I was falling asleep typing
[This message edited by courageous at 6:28 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
Another member was just writing about how a recent dream felt like a huge setback. It is so hard, because we experience all the emotions we would in real life when we have an awful dream, and they are really hard to shake as not real because we have some kind of memory-imprint after the fact.
When the feelings and images come up from the dream, tell yourself "not real." Just say the words. You are in a new space. You are safe with your parents, and you know that your SO is committed to your safety and comfort.
The past hurts and is scary, but it's behind you. You are on a new path. You are more experienced, you are wiser, and you ARE courageous. Just talking all of this through isn't easy. You've come a long way from the woman who was with Exwh. It's ok to feel the fear from your memories, just let your rational mind have a say, and your IC will agree as well.
I personally think it's because my focus was on the divorce, protecting my children thru it, that now my mind is a little clearer and stuff just comes in.
I think the IC is a great way to navigate all you are feeling now. I realize my issues are different than yours, but I also think I need to go back into IC...
THank you for your honesty in your post.
Eta: I had to correct my spelling
[This message edited by courageous at 9:43 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
I show signs of PTSD again...this time because of the rape and not infidelity.... they are so intertwined that I don't know how to get help or what to do to get help. I'm in a sexual abuse support group at church... it's rough because they are dealing with child sexual abuse and not something that has happened within the last couple of years. When I talk in that class I start shaking like I have the shivers but I'm not cold.
I thought it was funny my IC said I was courageous for continuing to go to the class and that I'm a courageous person..... funny how that is my screen name. I really don't feel it... I don't feel anything any more. My IC had me sit with my eyes close and try to start feeling parts of my body. As soon as she had me close my eyes I started crying.
I have been forsaken. I am stuck in a shame cycle that I can't brake. I'm afraid to sleep. I hate my job. I am surrounded by toxicness. I am damaged and I am dirty. I can't be the person I want to be.
And the ones hugging and kicking and punching have all been damaged and kicked and punched the same way...
I've found that ass kicking lifts me in some way, but you'd have to address my anus calluses to get a better answer. Best to stand back though.
I have been forsaken
Not by anyone that matters.
And then, there was the strange turn of events with my (x)SO. And I stepped back from it rather than engaging in a battle. And ... all that tension dissapated almost overnight.
Now I'm faced with the thoughts, where was that tension coming from really. Was I really upset about xWH again? Or was I upset about something else and I went to the familiar place, the familiar thoughts as the source to obsess over and blame. Maybe it was my (x)SO that was really causing the tension and I didn't realize it.
I suggest this not because I don't believe that coming to terms with your xWH is not something you're grappling with nor that you're not still hurting from it, but because you've got some other pressures that might be exacerbating how you feel. That is, if you aren't making progress on this issue, if you're feeling like you're spiraling out of control, maybe it's really the other issue that is the catalyst. Or part of all the bad feelings you have now and the things are getting muddled fooling you into thinking there's only one cause, or tricking you into believing the cause when in fact it's really just the familiar issue to dump your pain on and it's the newer stuff that's ramped you up.