But maybe I need to. Had anniversary celebration together with grown college kid...had a good time but now am triggering...helped college kid with studying a LOT to get into college.
MEAHWHILE while I do that he is having an affair...escaping while I struggle (and yes, yell) to get kid to buckle down and study...he escaped from the yelling (me) when i GET really frustrated with kid...he can't take it...I remember one time before he left to "go to movies" but actually to be with her...I knew my yelling got to him so I even apologized for me yelling at kid in my frustration...how can I be perfect...he left to go be with HER...
After DDAY he tells me my yelling at kid really got him...how can I be perfect...yet I do not like that yelling me...I did not do it often.
I also exploded at him at time when I kept stuff in, kept it in for sooo long ...I kept it in so not to bother him...he was so busy and working so hard...I kept it in but it backfired and I would break down at times at him...even if I did NOT yell he couldn't tolerate my emotions...
I even feel blame to the kid...but is NOT the kids' fault, yet I DID get frustrated with the kid and explode and he left ...couldn't take it...now the kid needs study help AGAIN...I trigger at this ...the kid took soooo much of my time...our marriage "suffered?" because of it?....I feel anger towards the kid for this...yes, the worst mother to think this...it is not the kids fault yet soooooooooooo much time and frustration spent helping the kid...now I may have to do it again...and he expects me too....but I DON'T WANT TO...it brings out the worst in me....I think...I feel resentful about it all...worst mother.
What do I need? I need to feel safe to expression my emotions, have them validated WITHOUT him thinking I am HORRIBLE because I do get frustrated and NEED EMPATHY and if he just gets frustrated and seems mad at me for having these emotions that sucks.
BUT: I think I can talk to him about his...he is trying hard...is caring...but let's face it to talk about it ALSO retramtizes me...but if I don't it can come back and bite me...bite us. It is sooo hard...I don't want to bring it up as it relates to the affairs...but if i don't that probably will not work either.
I need to talk about me being able to express negative emotion, for him to be able to handle it, for me to get empathy...but oh, this means the AFFAIRS will come up...maybe they don't have to if I just focus on what happened the other day . I was expressing just this frustration about the kid and helping before (of course i was thinking how he escaped from this to HER) and I got triggered and felt resentful to the KID and resentful that he couldn't handle my not being perfect mother and being sooooo calm and perfect when I helped the kid...After DDAY he said he would have respected me even more if I had been able to "control" myself...but would that have stopped/prevented the affairs? He said this quite a while ago...don't know if he is still feeling this...this really goes deep....how can I be perfect...can I express negative, frustration and can he take it...can he truly be my partner in this way? I know I have to talk to him about it....I dread it...the affairs will always be lingering in the background, or directly come out in the conversation and that just feels HORRIBLE to me.
I HATE THIS! But it is the past and nothing can change the past....even talking does nothing to change the past so bringing up what happened before with the studying and kid and linking with what is happening now...is it good?
I HATE having to think, and think and think all this...meanwhile I am TRYING soooo hard to keep a happy face, move on, fake it until I make it, be positive...UGH I just want to run away, run away, run away