"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

morethantrying posted 10/21/2013 22:50 PM

But maybe I need to. Had anniversary celebration together with grown college kid...had a good time but now am triggering...helped college kid with studying a LOT to get into college.
MEAHWHILE while I do that he is having an affair...escaping while I struggle (and yes, yell) to get kid to buckle down and study...he escaped from the yelling (me) when i GET really frustrated with kid...he can't take it...I remember one time before he left to "go to movies" but actually to be with her...I knew my yelling got to him so I even apologized for me yelling at kid in my frustration...how can I be perfect...he left to go be with HER...

After DDAY he tells me my yelling at kid really got him...how can I be perfect...yet I do not like that yelling me...I did not do it often.

I also exploded at him at time when I kept stuff in, kept it in for sooo long ...I kept it in so not to bother him...he was so busy and working so hard...I kept it in but it backfired and I would break down at times at him...even if I did NOT yell he couldn't tolerate my emotions...

I even feel blame to the kid...but is NOT the kids' fault, yet I DID get frustrated with the kid and explode and he left ...couldn't take it...now the kid needs study help AGAIN...I trigger at this ...the kid took soooo much of my time...our marriage "suffered?" because of it?....I feel anger towards the kid for this...yes, the worst mother to think this...it is not the kids fault yet soooooooooooo much time and frustration spent helping the kid...now I may have to do it again...and he expects me too....but I DON'T WANT TO...it brings out the worst in me....I think...I feel resentful about it all...worst mother.

What do I need? I need to feel safe to expression my emotions, have them validated WITHOUT him thinking I am HORRIBLE because I do get frustrated and NEED EMPATHY and if he just gets frustrated and seems mad at me for having these emotions that sucks.

BUT: I think I can talk to him about his...he is trying hard...is caring...but let's face it to talk about it ALSO retramtizes me...but if I don't it can come back and bite me...bite us. It is sooo hard...I don't want to bring it up as it relates to the affairs...but if i don't that probably will not work either.

I need to talk about me being able to express negative emotion, for him to be able to handle it, for me to get empathy...but oh, this means the AFFAIRS will come up...maybe they don't have to if I just focus on what happened the other day . I was expressing just this frustration about the kid and helping before (of course i was thinking how he escaped from this to HER) and I got triggered and felt resentful to the KID and resentful that he couldn't handle my not being perfect mother and being sooooo calm and perfect when I helped the kid...After DDAY he said he would have respected me even more if I had been able to "control" myself...but would that have stopped/prevented the affairs? He said this quite a while ago...don't know if he is still feeling this...this really goes deep....how can I be perfect...can I express negative, frustration and can he take it...can he truly be my partner in this way? I know I have to talk to him about it....I dread it...the affairs will always be lingering in the background, or directly come out in the conversation and that just feels HORRIBLE to me.

I HATE THIS! But it is the past and nothing can change the past....even talking does nothing to change the past so bringing up what happened before with the studying and kid and linking with what is happening now...is it good?

I HATE having to think, and think and think all this...meanwhile I am TRYING soooo hard to keep a happy face, move on, fake it until I make it, be positive...UGH I just want to run away, run away, run away

soconfusednow posted 10/21/2013 23:09 PM

Is it possible to get a tutor? I think college counselors can help connect students with other students who are willing to help.

morethantrying posted 10/21/2013 23:13 PM

yes, and I will insist on it...it is time for me, time for us and time for our marriage!!!!!! I shouldnt feel mad at the kid, but I do...I want to say, grow up, take control of your OWN life...I NEED to be with my husband now...you have taken ENGOUGH of me....so some true feelings...not all, and the kid does not deserve it...but....so it is my real raw feelings...some of them...

JanaGreen posted 10/22/2013 14:15 PM

I want to say, grow up, take control of your OWN life..

TBH I think this is a fair sentiment. There should be plenty of resources available through your son's college. Personally I can't imagine expecting either of my parents to tutor me - that just was not their responsibility. He is an adult. Let him be responsible for his own schoolwork, you need to focus on yourself.

Getting to Happy posted 10/22/2013 15:06 PM

You and your WH need to face the college kid as a TEAM.

Your WH really needs to engage in the education of your child. This should not all fall on you. I don't care if WH works full time. He needs to be supportive ...especially if you both have an educational goal for your child.

Don't let the fear of your WH reacting to your frustration of your child's schooling make you forsake your kid ! This is where your WH needs to buckle down and help in any way he can.

Sheesh! WH is the adult and the father!!

Butterfly24 posted 10/22/2013 15:12 PM

I don't have any advice for you but I want to tell you about my wh's a with a prostitute.

It was during a very bad time for me, when I could have used some support from him. My son was either in a psych ward or drug rehab, I can't remember at the moment. But he had taken a bunch of drugs, all kinds, saying he was going to kill himself. He was taken to the hospital was actually put in ICU, was there a few days and then went to the psych ward in a different hospital and after that drug rehab.

Now for those things I blame my son. He is grown, but I refuse to be mad at him because my wh cheated on me with a prostitute. I refuse to put one little bit of this blame on my son. It was my wh's choice.

Life was so terrible that my wh wanted something for himself. BOO HOO.

It was MY son who tried to kill himself, it was my son who was in the hospital and my son who went to drug rehab.

So in all honesty if anyone was going to cheat. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME.

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 15:51 PM

What sad stories. I'm sorry - but these sound like a lot of blameshifting to me. First, what happened to 'for better or for worse'? So one's son is in the hospital so it's time for a hooker? One's son needs some help with school so it's time for a girlfriend?

I would have had more respect for you if you could control yourself? Um, that's a joke right? He didn't control himself in a much unhealthier manner, and what is there to respect about a cheater?

I wonder if these WSs that come up with such pathetic excuses to justify horrible acts actually hear what is coming out of their mouths.

It is sad that so many do this - find a way to blame the BS. Yelling is not a reason to cheat. Being stressed over a child that needs help is not a reason to cheat. The men that claim otherwise are completely guilty of not being able to handle life's ups and downs, and have managed to blame the wives for not keeping everything calm all the time. That isn't how life works.

You don't have to be perfect. No one does. Your H is not perfect. If he can have a girlfriend because you yelled, what do you get because he had a girlfriend? Where does that thinking end?

Do not be angry with the other people in these stories. The problem is 100% with the WSs.

A WS saying they 'would have had more respect'. That would be funny if it weren't so sad.

I'm so sorry for the BSs in this situation. I really am. No one should feel like they contributed to a spouse's affair because a child needed them - for anything.

myperfectlife posted 10/22/2013 16:08 PM

It is sad that so many do this - find a way to blame the BS. Yelling is not a reason to cheat. Being stressed over a child that needs help is not a reason to cheat. The men that claim otherwise are completely guilty of not being able to handle life's ups and downs, and have managed to blame the wives for not keeping everything calm all the time. That isn't how life works.

This ^^
But this seems to be a common theme.
It was true for me. While I was overstressed taking care of the kids and house, he was running away from my NEED and doing what he wanted-what would make him feel good and not stressed.
Must be nice to not have a conscience.
To not think of first helping your wife with an issue, instead of running away.
However-I do have to say, morethantrying...
that as mothers we think our children need us WAY more than they really do.
You CAN step back and let your college aged child figure this out on their own.
Not because you're afraid your husband will cheat on you if you don't, but because it's not really your priority right now.
Your priority right now is reconciling your marriage.
If you had a toddler running around it would be different, but there's a balance here.
In now way should your mothering be a rationalization for your WS to cheat of course. That's just crap.
But you can decide for YOU that it's time to loosen the apron strings.