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One year ago today, stbx walked out. Why don't I feel ...

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dmari posted 10/22/2013 03:02 AM

One year ago today, stbx walked out of our home without even saying goodbye to our children.

Why don't I feel sad? Will it come later? I've worked my ass off at healing and rebuilding my life for the past year. Could that be the reason? Or am I numb? Or denial?

I remember the physical pain and agony I was in that day but as I reflect on it, I only remember it but don't feel anything other than recalling that "it was the worst fucking pain in my life"!!

I really was expecting to feel something today. Is this normal? Did you have a delayed reaction?

nomistakeaboutit posted 10/22/2013 04:32 AM

Dmari,

You've processed a lot. You understand it better. You're not "missing" him at this point. You're in either the denial phase (numb) or acceptance phase of your mourning of your loss. I doubt you're in denial, but I mention it only because, well, I guess it's possible. I'm two years out and think I'm in Acceptance, but sometimes I'll have a fleeting thought of surprise......like when is driving or something random......and think, "I just can't believe this really happened.", which sounds and feels an awful lot like denial.

I do understand the "not feeling". I see my XWW weekly (kid exchanges) and honestly, I don't "feel" pain or love or anything when I'm around her. I don't experience anything on the anniversary of DDay or the day the D was final. ...just another day.....with one exception.....my DDay is December 25!

Dmari, you have worked hard. You've spent 1000's of hours on SI, for starters. I know from personal experience now healing that can be.

My thought for you is that your "not feeling", in this case, is a healthy sign. You are healing. And, just like you allowed yourself to feel the pain, also embrace this feeling of healing.

Best to you.

NMAI

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 4:46 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 10/22/2013 05:29 AM

I didn't struggle with final S date this past Jul. I had my rock bottom last October on the 10th anniversary of when we met and 9th of the proposal.

This July and October have been fine.

I am feeling a little weird - so much has happened this last year that it feels like a lifetime ago yet at the same time it has flown past.

Lots of change, lots of water under that bridge. I'm feeling strange because, well, quite frankly I'm still adjusting to this 'new normal'. I still expect triggers - they sneak up on me from the weirdest places. But that's OK too. You can't heal what you don't feel.

Lots of stuff happening inside these cocoons.

((dmari))

self-rescuer posted 10/22/2013 06:25 AM

Sweet Dmari - I remember your initial posts so clearly. The shock and devastation.

I believe feeling nothing is a good sign. Beats the hell out of agony. But it absolutely marks progress.

You have made huge and healthy strides. You have not wasted the days. You need to give yourself a hug.

I remember the physical pain and agony I was in that day but as I reflect on it, I only remember it but don't feel anything other than recalling that "it was the worst fucking pain in my life"!!

In my mind this is positive and good. And, you have been on the ride long enough to know there are highs and lows. There will be some lows to come but the highs are real and will only become more frequent.

I am very proud of you!

dmari posted 10/22/2013 11:23 AM

My heart is so touched this morning. Thank you NMAI, SBB and self-rescuer! I am so grateful for your responses.

SBB ~ I feel the same way! It feels like it couldn't have been just a year ago ~ it feels like way more than that.

Have a wonderful week

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