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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: SI helps BS recover...perhaps this is why.
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read many books...here is an excerpt from a recent one that speaks to how SI helps me...a question my wife wonders at times.

One of the hardest things about marriage, or any relationship, is that revenge isn't an option. Love, vulnerability, and intimacy always cause hurt. Your mate will not always handle your tender feelings in the most careful way. You may feel justifiably hurt and angry about his treatment of you. Yet, revenge belongs to God, not us. Take your hurt feelings to people and places where you can heal, and then learn to solve the problem, not take revenge on the one who hurt you.

SI provides the people and place to heal and pick up tips on how to solve the problem...a place to release anger and vengeful feelings without doing more damage to the already struggling M....a place where marriage-friendly members gently listen to your pain and then say "I know you are hurting, I am too, but if you do x,y, or z you will actually hurt your efforts to get to the healthy M you are on here trying to achieve."

My real life best friend is another source....that cares about me enough to validate my feelings but loves me enough to be honest with me and tell me things I don't always want to hear...but is good for me and good for my M.

Over time I am starting to see that I actually console myself, check myself before I do something hurtful and counterproductive (notice I said "starting"...I still mess up).....and I believe it is because of my interactions not with my wife, but with fellow SI members and my best friend that this change is occurring. It really is a training grounds of sorts. To be sure, I have learned from my wife too...and hope that when we achieve a healthy M we will actively and regularly learn from each other.

My wife and I visited last night on the role we have to each other...it was well stated during that conversation that sometimes your spouse is NOT your best resource to help you heal and start to solve a problem. Not talking about healing form the A, we both agree that a fWS has a strong role in that healing. I am talking about other internal issues that are sometimes handle better outside the marriage....doesn't mean you cant share your journey with your spouse, just dont expect them to be your ONLY source of support.

Ironically, our old counselor encouraged me to do the opposite of this...to NOT post on SI and NOT engage my best friend so much....to try and engage only my wife.

I look back now and see this was a mistake....or maybe I took her too literally and she was only talking about the pain of the A. But even if she was just talking about the pain of the A, I was ill-equipped to express that to my wife without vengence and judging and blaming.....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:40 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blake,

I needed SI, and still do, because it validates my thoughts and emotions.

I still have troubling trusting my perceptions of the world. My interpretations of events. It is getting better but I would never have gotten this far without the external support.

If I had relied exclusively on h, while he was trying to rugsweep and blameshift, I would be a total mess.

It helps so much to have the understanding and compassion from those who have walked the same path.

Peace


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

amen cantaccept.

Peace to you as well.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:45 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest things about marriage, or any relationship, is that revenge isn't an option.

but it happens... and then what?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi rachelc...it does happen, it has happened in my journey.

What happened to me, us, our M when it occurs? Love units are withdrawn and new hurts must be healed.

I believe this is what is meant when people report that the A didn't cause the D immediately...it was all the additional hurts, committed by both BS and fWS, AFTER DD.

I think of a post of LA44 recently....she had a struggle, acted out and hurt her husband. She posted on here of that event....inside her own opening post she admitted what went wrong, recognized her role in that, and then took responsibility to do her part to heal the wound she just inflicted and vowed to try and keep from repeating that same injury in the future. Her growth occurs when she finds ways to express herself without hurting her husband...but still engages him. Just to stop engaging her husband would effectively stop her growth and jeopardizes the health of her marriage.

She will stumble again....so will I...so will you. But I believe if we can continue to be self aware enough to recognize our own short-commings we will continue to emotionally mature, becoming healthier, and healthy relationships will be what we reap.

All relationships I have will benefit from my own internal growth...I use this as a motive to change. If we can recognize our own mistakes and "own" the pain we cause, we will be in a better position to empathize with others.

Love based on empathy is one of the highest and purest motives to change. It is truly treating others as you would like to be treated.

Yeah...I dont have an original thought in my head when it comes to recovering from the pain of adultery...so I read a LOT. I am learning, but the more I learn the more I discover my shocking level of ignorance.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this a lot. I keep thinking I should stop posting stuff...

for one thing, I was considering--is this gossip??? I mean, I would feel uncomfortable if H was sharing with the world so much personal info.

really struggling with this thought.

I have thought also--I should talk to my H


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for one thing, I was considering--is this gossip??? I mean, I would feel uncomfortable if H was sharing with the world so much personal info.

I wrestle with this too. Please dont take my post as I have figured this out...I simply read things in a book and am trying my best to own them.

Expressing pain and ones feelings is not "gossip" in my book. A key seems to be the ability to stay within your boundaries...and not cross into anothers...

I struggle with this too...when I try to keep my posts just about me with very little mention of my wife...she takes it that I discount her positive efforts. When I mention more about my wife...she takes it that I am sharing something with everyone that should stay between us.

So I have not figured this out fully yet....and I wont unless I keep trying. Another reason I am reading so much is to try and make sense of my own self before I reach out to another person. It is also another reason I pray often.

My M is still running on fumes....trust me, I don't want to withdraw love units. I still have pain daily...still have selfish desires to control...this is so very challenging.

I get your concern ionlytalkedtoher....I share them too.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
lost_in_toronto
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for one thing, I was considering--is this gossip??? I mean, I would feel uncomfortable if H was sharing with the world so much personal info.

Well, in my opinion gossip is idle chatter about other people. Or maybe it isn't idle - because I think it can often be openly malicious.

I agree that SI is a valuable place because it is a place to heal. This is why support groups are also invaluable in helping people deal with trauma and pain and loss. Taking our pain to people who understand it is helpful.

And my WS, as empathetic and loving as he was during our R, will never really understand my pain. He caused my pain, and there are aspect of it that I couldn't even try to express to him.

I am sure I have shared more than a few things on this site regarding our experience he would rather no one know. I feel like sharing it here, anonymously, is a lot more respectful than sharing it with our friends or family. And sharing it with him - well, I do that to, but it doesn't have the same purpose. It isn't cathartic, it's communicating for the purpose of building our relationship. Does that make sense?


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not gossip, because we talk almost exclusively about our own sitches. Except for vents, we bring in others' to illustrate our own issues.

Also, gossip is almost always about how we're better than the people we talk about. But SI's counsel is almost always that issues and resolutions are with the poster. Often we say something like, 'Your WS is flat out wrong,' but that's almost always followed up with, 'But you can't change him. You have to figure out how you want to deal with this.'

Some people try to take revenge. That doesn't help recovery, but it doesn't make recovery impossible, either. It just(!) adds to the work that needs to be done. I think that's the point of 'you can't take revenge in M.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:33 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmm ok.

in the beginning of coming here, I honestly had no one else to talk to that I was dying inside. I didn't want anyone to know IRL and still don't. NO ONE knows. This is what I want for my situation. So in the beginning, it was just letting it all out--then it I think I had the intention of getting back at H somehow by TELLING on him if you kwim?? Now, I don't want that...I just honestly want to live again instead of dying a thousand deaths internally.

so maybe not gossip...maybe it isn't... maybe its just healing in an online support group.

I don't intend for it to be gossip.

I really appreciate that I can come here and be with ppl that have been there and understand. IRL ppl don't understand. I have come to think of this place as one of friends. I do care about everyone's stories. Sometimes, i just sit there (off line) and think, I wonder how so-and-so is doing today??? Many of you on here I feel much concern for.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, i just sit there (off line) and think, I wonder how so-and-so is doing today??? Many of you on here I feel much concern for.

Totally do this too. Have a specific prayer list of SI members whom I pray for (and their spouses). I don't know their real identiy but I know their real pain. God knows both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele, what's the title of the book?

Thanks in advance.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Boundaries in Marriage"--dr Henry cloud and dr John Townsend.

....a "must read" in my opinion.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Silentthoughts
♀ 40289
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for this topic. I'm going to have BH read and reflect on this. I've tried to encourage him to register and post, so he has a place to share his feelings, but so far he hasn't. I am frankly terrible sometimes at listening to him. I know its my failing, and while I recognize that I am not always there for him, it has been difficult for me to change. (Ive gotten better tho since I found si in August.)


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
foundoutlater
♂ 32900
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there are many reasons SI is helpful. Perspective - from people who have/are walking in my shoes (and at a time when my perspective was gone) is a big reason SI is helpful to me.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Jul 2011
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi blake...once again, you are right on point. i am so glad you post on this site.

i have learned that i cannot discuss every single thought, pain, angry feeling with my h. i mean, i did all of that in the beginning...and i still talk to him when i need to. but it has to be constructive. and a lot of those issues i have cant really be helped by him. so, i come to SI...to get advice, vent when i pissed, and share my pain with others who "know." then i can go back to my real life, and continue working on my m.

i never wanted to believe this but the truth is that i think you have to do some of the work. i mean, the wh is terrible for all that he did. but at the end of the day, if you take him back, and want to eventually be happy....i truly believe that talking to your spouse is a must....but every single issue does not have to be discussed with him.

thank goodness for ic...thank goodness for mc...and thank goodness for SI.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 16

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