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Newest Member: Alldone2 (45714)

User Topic: Acceptance?
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is this exactly? What does it mean?

Knowing that this is just now a part of your life? Believing that it happened? Knowing that there is no changing the past? Focusing on the positive changes? Seeing that the "events" caused these changes, being grateful for the changes while still hating the means?

Knowing what reality was then and appreciating what is now?

I can't change the past but I can appreciate the present?

I still wish I could change the past. It still hurts.

How do you accept?

Think I am repeating myself, so I'll stop now.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think all of the things that you listed fall into the category of acceptance. Some days I have to remind myself to also accept the good things that are happening in the present, and the acceptance of good things to happen in the future.

To me, the process of acceptance has been a difficult and daily challenge, but the further I progress, the more I seem to heal. I go through cycles with it, too, and I have to accept that I'll have my stumbling moments.

To me, acceptance is mostly about letting go of things that hurt me, and accepting the path that I must go down to get to that point. At the present moment, for me, that path is reconciliation.

Hope some of this helps. Good luck.


Posts: 7982 | Registered: Dec 2010
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You hit on what our MC says (over and over again!). Path to acceptance and forgiveness is no longer wishing to change the past.

Well I got there a long time ago. I wish to go back, not to change it, but to try and understand it. While my WW is very remorseful, she offers nothing about what in her allowed her to give everything away. She cannot access that part of her sole. I know, no answer justifies an A but I would like some reason.

I will likely never get that, so my path to acceptance and forgiveness might just be harder than it should/needs to be.

Our MC does say the one variable out of my control is TIME! I need to be patient. Never been good at that one either.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving up all hope of a better past.

You are doing great cantaccept....you are seeing the same scenery as I have....it still hurts but we are growing through this to a healthier spot.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking of how I accepted my childhood. The things that were done to me. I think the difference was that I never knew any different, it just was the way it was.

I think my struggle with the pain caused by h is that he wasn't always hurtful. I told myself that the hurtful was the aberration and the kind was the real him.

I never acknowledged or I chose to believe that how he was treating me was not the real him.

Then when he had an affair and left me I was shocked. Now I look and think, "how could I have possibly been shocked???"

He had been abusive for years and this was just a new form of abuse.

Now, the real struggle for me. He was abusive, yes, I saw that clearly when he left. Went over all the abusive behavior, accepted that he was abusive and it was wrong.

Now, he is not being abusive. He is treating me with love again. How do I know that he can maintain this? How do I know which is real?

Before I did not know how far he could go, now I do.

It still feels like a gamble to me.

I think maybe I have accepted the hurtful parts of him. Doesn't make it not still cause pain but yes, I know it was real, I lived it. Some of it over and over.

Now, he is showing the part that I saw in the early years. Now he is the husband that I always ached for to come back.

I need more time and consistency from him. I need him to talk to me about everything. His thought processes, his feelings, both good and bad, his thoughts then vs. now. He was never very open with his thoughts and feelings. Short and to the point. I never knew how he came to them. Does that make sense?

I think I attributed deeper meaning and emotion to him than he actually possessed. Or not possessed but utilized?

Now, I do not want that husband back, no way, no how, I want who I thought he was back, minus the hurtful.

Is he that man? Am I still imagining him?

I think, maybe I don't trust myself enough yet to feel comfortable with my perceptions of reality.

Remember the Ramones? twenty, twenty, twenty four hours ago, I wanna be sedated...

Where the heck is that off switch!!!


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aaaahhhh. This is where I am at right now.


I keep thinking of how I accepted my childhood. The things that were done to me. I think the difference was that I never knew any different, it just was the way it was.

Did I, do "we", truly "accept" the pain of our childhood...the pain that establishes our FOO coping mechanism? Or do we simply cope with it, continually cope with it...never deal directly with it? Because we didnt take on a "victim mentality" and went on to lead productive lives does this mean the same as "accepting"?

I am leaning towards the fact that we never really did accept the pain of our childhood....I never dealt directly with the pain caused by my Dad almost instantly disappearing from my life at age 12.

I think part of me really thought when I met my wife that she would fill the void that was created during my childhood experience....not in a very concious way, but subconciously I believed that my wife could make me "whole" and that I would not have to work on that much at all...and I would do the same for her....afterall, two become one...right?

I may have thought M was about feeling complete with a woman...and during the honeymoon phase it was great feeling....but that didnt last because I didnt face and accept that which was missing inside me. KWIM?

We meet our spouses. We feel that immature romantic love. We see qualities in them that we are missing and love the thought of instantly closing the gap between our mind and heart...our mind peeks in on our heart and sees it smiling....for the first time in a long time it is smiling!!!

That quote was from a post I put up titled "Immature Love vs Mature Love".

...and this was GraceisGood's response

To ME immature love is the love that tries to make ME whole by filling the missing pieces of myself with someone else.

To ME mature love is the love that sees the wholes in my spouse and is willing to support and walk with them while they figure out how to fill those wholes the way THEY need. And they do the same for me.

If I really accepted my childhood experience that generated my coping mechanisms....I would not have had this "immature" view of marriage....would I?

I don't know if this is at all right, or if parts are right....I just know I personally never effectively dealt with that time in my life (childhood pain) that separted my heart from my head. I say this confidently because, up until this year and many counseling sessions, I never new I was hurt in the ways I was hurt as a 12 year old boy. If I didnt realize how I was hurting, how could I deal with it, how could I "accept" it.

It is crazy to write that...but it is the truth. My coping mechanisms effectively did two things for me. First, it got me through a tough period in my life and allowed me to function effectively. Second, it retarded my emotional growth by effectively taking the "heart" out of much of what I did....I very much existed in my "mind".

I am starting to think real emotional growth occurs in the heart, real intellectual growth occurs in the mind....and "mature growth" only occurs when both the mind and the heart are growing together.

This is how we start out in life...but at some point some of us wall off one or the other...effectively creating an unbalanced growth, keeping us "immature" in some ways.

I hope this makes sense....hope someone else can paraphrase what I am using many words to express.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:41 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel that the stronger a persons mind, intellect gets the harder it is for that person to grasp that 1. They have a heart. 2. That it is important. 3. That it was injured. 4. That it CAN mature and be taken out of the protective case it was placed in years ago.

I say this because of my own reluctance to growth in this area. Logic and intellect has ruled my existence for much of my life. Very task oriented, always planning for trouble. The pain I felt upon my DD...well, I simply was too immature to handle it in a healthy manner.

I went into "logic" mode....find a counselor, comfort my wife, repress my anger, feel emotional pain but repress it.

My best friend told me after I entered my "rage" phase...."Blakesteele, I wondered where your anger was..."

I believe it was my brain trying desperately to hold onto its control....desperately trying to keep my heart from engaging and getting hurt again. Of course it was in vane, but I kinda think this is what happened.

I also think my mind is responsible for me trying to take credit for my wifes A early on. Again, it was the more developed one of the two. My heart was that of a 12 year old boy...no more prepared to handle my wifes betrayal as it was to handle my Dads betrayal.

It was at this realization that I decided to really explore this pain...determined to do it differently then I was when I was 12.

My counselor helped show me that I have had lots of life experiences since I was 12...and, while I was ill-equipped to handle that betrayal then and not able to grow through it....I was a "man" now and I was was equipped to process through this.....to acceptance and beyond.

God help me...I pray I am on the right trail this time.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a lot...other members have noticed that about me. Some have even cared enough to "yell" at me..."Blakesteele, put the book down and go fishing!" and I listen to them, see value in that...sometimes.

I think it is good for me to read, to engage my mind on this specific task, dont regret it, but do recognize it is a throwback to how I lived through my "mind" most of my adult life.

I dont regret enlisting this technique now because I believe it is feeding my heart, I am actively trying to slow the pace of my stronger mind to more closely resemble the "toddler" pace of my immature heart. I do pause and focus on how I am feeling after I have read something new-to-me. This effectively stops my mind and invites my heart to take a few steps closer to it. I dont want my mind to stop maturing, but I need it to give up some "walking time" so that my heart can "catch up".

I really want to get to acceptance in all of my life....I believe this will result in a wonderful experience!

I dont have the answers...I have lots of words...but no definitive answers.

I do know the pain I am in is unlike anything, I mean anything I have felt before. I also believe feeling that pain and using it as a catalyst to change is a valid way to mature that which needs to mature.


....dang....I must have a lot that needs to mature!

Peace to us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:11 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TheRealDeal
♀ 39560
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele I'd say you are on the right path. My path seems very similar to yours and your posts resonate with me, especially

My counselor helped show me that I have had lots of life experiences since I was 12...and, while I was ill-equipped to handle that betrayal then and not able to grow through it....I was a "man" now and I was was equipped to process through this.....to acceptance and beyond.

I do know the pain I am in is unlike anything, I mean anything I have felt before. I also believe feeling that pain and using it as a catalyst to change is a valid way to mature that which needs to mature.

I am at the same point. It is quite honestly the most painful thing, dealing with FOO and repressed pain/feelings. But once the source of those feelings is identified it is somewhat easier to know why you feel a certain way as an adult. It's a strange concept to understand until you are faced with it.

I have this quote highlighted in one of my books. It is not a book about infidelity so it's an explanation in general terms of life. I re-read it quite often; whether dealing with WS or FOO issues.
"Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. it is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego ourselves, our boundaries, hopes, dreams, desires or wants. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow. "


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
HFSSC
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've shared this here before but I love the topic and I believe this bears repeating.

I was sexually abused by my uncle. My mother, knowing what kind of man he was ( because he abused her first) allowed him to live in our home in exchange for him providing free "child care". I have a memory of him pulling me out from under my bed, screaming, and my mom yelling at me for waking her up. I was raped at 19 and got pregnant from the rape. I gave my baby girl up for adoption and have grieved for 26 years. The person who raped and impregnated me lied about me, and the people in charge felt that it was more believable that I was a slut who had sex with multiple men than that I was a 19 year old virgin. I've been M twice and cheated on by both husbands.

I lived in addiction for 21 years. And what kept me from embracing sobriety for the first 11 years that I was exposed to AA was the concept of acceptance. You see, AA is pretty big on acceptance. And I hated that word. It sounded like weak was to me. I had the idea that acceptance meant I was giving all those people who had hurt me a free pass. That it was saying all that stuff was okay.

My pivotal moment came when it suddenly hit me: acceptance wasn't excusing all the rotten stuff that people did. Acceptance wasn't giving the people a free pass it didn't mean that all that stuff was okay.

For me, acceptance came when I could look at myself and say, "You know what? All that stuff happened to me and it really sucks. But I am ok." And I finally was.

It didn't come easy. It didn't come without a lot of work. But today, I can look anyone in the eye, tell my story, and then say, "But I am okay."


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2874 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of me really thought when I met my wife that she would fill the void that was created during my childhood experience....not in a very concious way, but subconciously I believed that my wife could make me "whole" and that I would not have to work on that much at all...and I would do the same for her....afterall, two become one...right?

This is exactly what I feel. I feel like I convinced myself I was healed but really I was just feeding off of my husband's strengths and believing they were mine. If that makes sense. I thought I was so confident, strong, and all that. I thought I did all the work to get to that point. Once I felt the first sting of betrayal from him, that all came crashing down. We have the same IC but I've had him for 12 years and my husband only a few months...,At my husband's last IC session, he explained how I'm barely functioning. My IC explained to my husband that all of this has reopened old traumas in me. So now I go tomorrow to start working on that. Curious to see what he traces it back to.

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen scubachick.

Another part of me that I have faced is that I had an excessive amount of pride....over confident. Not cocky, in your face...more subtle then those, but just as unhealthy.

God help us all...lots to face.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of me really thought when I met my wife that she would fill the void that was created during my childhood experience....not in a very concious way, but subconciously I believed that my wife could make me "whole" and that I would not have to work on that much at all...and I would do the same for her....afterall, two become one...right?

This is exactly what I feel. I feel like I convinced myself I was healed but really I was just feeding off of my husband's strengths and believing they were mine. If that makes sense. I thought I was so confident, strong, and all that. I thought I did all the work to get to that point. Once I felt the first sting of betrayal from him, that all came crashing down. We have the same IC but I've had him for 12 years and my husband only a few months...,At my husband's last IC session, he explained how I'm barely functioning. My IC explained to my husband that all of this has reopened old traumas in me. So now I go tomorrow to start working on that. Curious to see what he traces it back to.

Both these statements really resonate with me. I had a hectic, very emotional IC session yesterday where we spoke about these very things. My fWH's infidelity has ripped open a lot of scars from my childhood - scars that were not properly healed at all as it turns out. This has all shone a spotlight on the fact that I am somehow stuck with the coping mechanisms I figured out when I had major childhood traumas at age 6 and age 11... It's going to take a lot of IC to figure out new coping mechanisms, mature coping mechanisms that employ both my head and my heart.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have all given me a lot more to think about.

Maybe what I did with the childhood abuse was not acceptance but avoidance. I never talked about it or understood the lasting effects on my behavior or emotions until recently. I never saw the lasting consequences. Now I do and I am actively working on changing those unhealthy coping skills.

I never had the gut wrenching wish to go back and change anything. Maybe because I never acknowledged it.

I do have that now regarding the affair. I struggle with the if only...

The one thing that I really struggle with is the action of h leaving, walking out on me.

My IC says that this has ripped open my childhood scars also. Abandonment. I was abandoned in many ways in my childhood.

H leaving brought up all those horrible feelings in me.

Yes, he left. No, I cannot change that. Yes, he is back. Yes, he seems different. Yes, our relationship is better. Yes, he is kinder, more open emotionally than ever.

Still, I think, he left me.

This is the one thing that still brings me to my knees in pain. This is the one thing that I wonder if I will ever heal from. I wonder, will I ever not feel this pain? Will I ever not think of this daily?

I try so hard to see the changes in him and in me. I try to accept that he would not have made those changes, nor would I, if we had not gone through this pain.

I can't help but think, dday was enough to cause change, wasn't it? Why did he have to take it so far? Why did he have to leave me?

Even now, my heart is pounding, on the verge of tears. This, the abandonment when I was so devastated, this has shredded my heart.

How do I accept just this one thing?

How do I live with this? Will it get better? Will I always have this feeling that at any moment he could revert and walk out the door, again?


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen itsaclimb and cantaccept.

Out of all hurts a person with abandonment issues can have inflicted upon them, I gotta believe adultery is at the top of the "most traumatic" list.

I am 42 and am struggling hard....my wife simply can not grasp the pain she has caused....she is trying but just don't believe that is a realistic expectation anymore. I have accepted that. Actually, I am not sure I have fully grasped it as I still spontaneously cry...I mean out of no where I cry...no trigger, no thought, nothing...just cry. Yesterday I did NOT....so I am improving.

The fact I am struggling so hard with this pain now, after many painful life experiences ( debt struggle, premature birth of our daughter, helping a loved one pass with dignity in our home as she fought a terminal illness), has enabled me to have more compassion for 12 year old blakesteele.....he stood no chance of processing this pain and growing through it....he did the best he could and he survived. His biggest struggle up until his Dad dissappeared was probably along the lines of getting a holloween custom of Casper the Ghost and scaring himself in the mirror...causing him to have to either hold the mask as he asked for candy...or his big brother giving him his Frankenstein mask and going as a combo Casper,Frankenstein costume. My brother switched masked with me...even though it meant he had a combo Frankenstein, Casper costume as a result! But what 12 year old boy COULD process through this pain without professional help. My parents communication to us boys was basically a one very short conversation that said Mom and Dad can't get along anymore. We are divorcing. I didnt even know enough to ask questions.....

I digress.....

Do you guys think we could have leaned into our long-standing unfinished healing had we not been in the pain our spouses inflicted upon us? Would we have had the courage to 1.recognize that we even had this healing to do and 2. really committed to healing it once that first step was taken?

My Dad grew up in a home with an alcoholic....his Dad. To this day he proudly states that it did not affect him. My Dad is 71, has gone through a D, bankruptcy, for 10 years gave up his relationship with his sons....so he has had pain (he has told me he was, at one point, in the fetal position following his D from my Mom, crying..so I know he can feel and has been in pain)....but still contends his Dads interactions with him had no negative affect 0n him. That his Dad was who he was and he isn't angry or mad or ???? with him. It is as if his Dad had zero impact on him....not postive, not negative...just a neutral affect like a sofa...I guess?


I wonder, since I have his genes, if my wife did not commit the ultimate act of abandonment that is adultery, if my own pride, over confidence, fear of my own pain (etc) would have allowed me to be a 71 year old blakesteele that never recognized that damage was done when my Dad disappearing from my life at age 12?

I doubt I will ever be one of those people who say their spouses adultery was a blessing....but I recognize my own fear of pain and my own stubbornness is quite large.


God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you guys think we could have leaned into our long-standing unfinished healing had we not been in the pain our spouses inflicted upon us? Would we have had the courage to 1.recognize that we even had this healing to do and 2. really committed to healing it once that first step was taken?
Discussed this in IC yesterday Blake and I said that I honestly don't believe I would ever have confronted these issues had the A not happened and FORCED me to look deep within. I would probably have gone through life blissfully unaware that this stuff even needed sifting through. So, I am grateful I had a wake-up call, just wish it hadn't taken the A to do it!

I am relieved and almost... excited to be confronting these issues. To be getting closure about the fact that I have not seen my father since I was 11 - that has been a horrible thorn in my side for 35 odd years! Yesterday I think I put it to rest, which for me is huge! I am grateful for that.

After the A it's like the scales fell from my eyes - I looked at various incidents that happened over the course of my marriage and I thought "WTF?" WHY did I ignore those horrible things that happened to me?? WHY did I take the blame for those things that were not my fault? What is wrong with me? Why did I react like that? And NOW it's all becoming clear to me. It all suddenly makes sense! Turns out I was reacting the way my 6 year old or 11 year old self had learnt to react. That child had no choice - there was no-one there to meet my needs, there was no one there to pick up the pieces if I acknowledged how deeply I was hurting, or how needy I was... so I learnt to just ignore my pain, or take the blame for my pain - so that I could deal with it myself. As an adult I was simply doing what I had always done... it looks like crazy behaviour and for a while there I thought I was quite nuts... but now that my IC has talked me through it, I have a better understanding of what motivated me and such compassion for my 6 year old and 11 year old self!

This is a gut-wrenching process, but it needs to happen. My only concern is something my IC voiced yesterday - she said it remains to be seen whether my marriage will be able to accomodate the new ItsaClimb that is going to emerge from this. She said that such huge psychological growth changes the dynamic in ALL of one's relationships. It will be interesting to see how things play out from here! For all of us!!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post itsaclimb....will expand that thought when I am not on my phone!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only concern is something my IC voiced yesterday - she said it remains to be seen whether my marriage will be able to accomodate the new ItsaClimb that is going to emerge from this.

During my IC sessions this was brought up to me as well. At the time (7 months ago) I thought...Sure I can change, but not enough to run THIS risk! I know who I am, I have been real my whole M, my whole life!!! NOW I see it is a very real item to consider....how does a person be blind to themselves so completely for decades?


BUT, it is such a dynamic system as my wife is changing too. I think we very much had a pattern that suited us both for a while. Me doing things my wife did not do and she doing things I did not do. I think the real risk to this cautionary statement is for those marriages where one spouse changes and the other lacks the ability. I am not saying my wife and I wont change so much individually that together we are simply not compatible...that is a real risk. I just mean if one changes and the other doesn't....I don't see how that M stands much of a chance of existing in a healthy manner and is at a greater chance of returning to a new but equally unhealthy cycle.

Notice I did not say WOULD not do...I said did not do....neither of us refused to do anything...we simply did what we each felt comfortable doing...at least comfortable enough to where the pain of same was less then the pain of change. KWIM?

Surprises all around here....surprises within myself, surprises by watching my wife, surprises on how we both are doing things that the other primarily took care of in our pre-A M.

I am relieved and almost... excited to be confronting these issues.


ME TOO!!! I have said several times that if this wasn't so damn painful it would be exciting!!!!

Earlier this excitement bled into the thought of taking this new opportunity to a new woman and really doing M right! Of course, that was during the extreme crazy making time of this journey....I had no skills to actually do this, and no real desire...but do remember feeling it.

Now I am actually getting excited about this journey WITH my wife!

Any mates deepest desire is for his spouse to enter into this growth process with him, deepening their love and knowledge of each other and God.

Just read this today at lunch....that is why I was excited to see your results from your IC session. I am not currently in IC so it was comforting to glean info from your session.

Back to the original purpose of this post. It appears acceptance very much takes place in ourselves first, then can be applied to external parts of our lives. I see my wifes AP NOT accepting much of anything from his choices...consequently I don't see any growth, forgiveness, any break in the selfish pattern he most likely has exuded since childhood....and his wife is apparently stuck there too.

I continue to have no idea where I am going....but I guarantee, at this point in time, I am not stuck....neither are any engaged in this post....and I think you cant be an active member of SI and stay stuck very long. Don't dismiss this post from me as me being cocky....it is from the humility I have experienced this past 13 months that this excitement comes from....not anything great. Would anyone be proud of being so blind to ones on weakness for over 3 decades? I am grateful I at least have the chance to accept this...make final peace with it...and grow from there.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance? What is this exactly? What does it mean?

Since we don't have any problem whatsoever "accepting" the good things in our life, I guess Acceptance is integrating the bad things into your life in a way that allows you to move forward.

I love what wincing_at_light has to say about being your own hero, "writing" your own personal narrative:

You do whatever it takes to heal and take care of yourself. She doesn't get to outline the narratives for what your life and your married life meant, mean, or will mean in the future. If you can sleep at night with how you parse the narrative of your own behavior in your head, you're golden. Period. Everything else is shit you can let go. You are your own agent. You don't have to agree with her. If she wants to gnaw those bones of old resentment, she can have them. It's not like you can stop her...but you also don't have to participate in the process of demonizing yourself. Know your truth. Live your truth. Make your decisions accordingly.

More from WAL:
The best lesson you can learn from this tragedy: I'm enough. In fact, I'm pretty badass. When tested, I excelled. I demonstrated that I was made of stern stuff. The right stuff. I'm sure that our grandparents' generation felt like they had better things to do with their lives (like going to college, getting married, raising kids, getting the next harvest in, etc.) than get mired in five years of war in Europe and the South Pacific. I'm sure some of them felt like those were going to be lost/wasted years because of someone else's selfishness. But that's not how we remember them. We redirected their narrative from "look what we had to sacrifice just because some people were assholes" to "look at what we *won*. Look at what we proved ourselves to be."


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance is the WILLINGNESS to move on and realize that the past is really over.

The PAST cannot hurt you as it only exists in your mind. And the best about that is to know that you have already SURVIVED this past already ....how do I know? Because you are still here, kicking and you survived! You are a WITNESS to his/her bad behavior...yes you were affected by it but not the CAUSE of it.

And now the focus is on making a wonderful, loving, stronger relationship and knowing that the events have actually offered a great opportunity to do just that.

Acceptance is living in the PRESENT...when you think about it, all that exists right now, in this moment is the PRESENT and everything is FINE just at this moment and if it is not, we can DO something, anything about it...the future does not yet exist (never does) but what we DO in the PRESENT can make our future brighter and happier and looking forward, not back. This being said it is more than okay to grieve, feel sad but to know that these feelings WILL fade (as feelings about other long ago hurts have also faded) and these feeling too will become part of the past. It is OKAY for it to take some time, and every day will move us closer to it and we will have peace.

Our desire is for our own peace and happiness...this is a hurt we did not deserve but we can come back to a state of peace and happiness. We have accepted other past hurts, big and small, and moved on and we can do it again.

For me I ACCEPT that I CAN do this - and I will using all the help, all the advice and all the POSITIVE input and energy I can...I turn away from anything that is not moving me forward to that...is it easy? NO, but nothing really worth it is nor should it be becasue achieving something really difficulty, acceptance in this case, FEELS so much better than that which comes easy. Imagine how PROUD we will be to come out the other end so strong, alive and confident...this is the GIFT we will give to ourselves and I strive to give to myself every day. Peace be will you all.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

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