"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nutmegkitty posted 10/22/2013 07:59 AM

I don't think I feel anything. I don't feel happy, I don't feel joy, but I don't particularly feel really sad either. The person I am dating even remarked that I am very "even keeled" (which I think is putting it kindly).
I can't decide how much of this is just being the stereotypical stoic New Englander and how much is my mind being numb. I am two years out from dday, divorced for a year. Yet I still feel so numb....I think I want to feel some highs and lows but on the other hand I think I am scared to. Like, I have to keep stoic to keep it all in, to keep in control.

If anyone else is working or has worked through this, what helped you? Any ideas on safe ways to begin to feel again?

FaithFool posted 10/22/2013 08:33 AM

Well you're technically only two years out. At two years I was definitely numb.

I took some trips to wild natural places, that really soothed me, but did I get excited? No.

I had two dates with a guy on OLD whose picture had me wildly excited for a couple of days until I met him and realized the picture was from years ago and the reality was nasty teeth and massive beer belly. That was disappointing. Have not dated since.

I moved five times in as many years, so that sort of excited me each time, new place, new perspectives. But mostly it was just a hassle.

I finally got excited about a trip overseas last year. I visited childhood haunts and friends and family I hadn't seen in aeons.

Then I moved again this year to the apartment of my dreams. Won a cash prize for my honours thesis, that made me dance around the room high-fiving myself. It was a moment.

But there haven't been any real highs/lows/heart-pounding exciting things that have happened.

I'm just getting on with life and enjoying the lack of drama, so I think this is the new normal.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:34 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 10/22/2013 10:41 AM

Well you're technically only two years out. At two years I was definitely numb.

^^^This for me as well. I am 2 yrs 4 months out and I was about the same. I went on some dates and actually felt excited about the person but those feelings eventually went away. Just about the only thing I know I feel is still anger towards my STBX. That's the only one that lasts. Everything else is brief at best. I am not ready for dating but I am getting used to being single again and being okay with enjoying my new life.

Doing stuff with my kids helps, doing some projects around the house helps and working out help me. I have decided I am not going to worry about whether I feel too much or too little. I will be okay with where I am and see how it goes from day to day. At some point I figure I will get back to "normal".

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:42 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 11:43 AM

This is my timeframe, too. I feel numb also and disinterested in life itself.

Sometimes literally burying myself in things to do helps or getting dead tired helps create some sense of feeling.

One thing I feel too is very sad that holidays are coming. I don't want them.

I was thinking of posting a thread on this but have put so many lately. I've been through holidays before but feel so...insulted by life in general, while XPerv is out whooping it up with Fatty B.

Sorry.

I wonder if in order to let ourselves feel, we have to let ourselves trust? I find myself trying to go numb in hopes that I will find protection against all the evil and difficulty the world -XPerv -is thrusting on me. Perhaps there is some kind of solace in numbness because it fends off the pain, but is that living?

In order to "feel", we have to open ourselves up again and with that comes the chance of hurt.

Merlin posted 10/22/2013 12:13 PM

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/lethal_flatness.asp

For some, numbness passes quickly. For others, not so much. I'm in the latter camp.

My D was final in January of '11. But I separated in late '08. I have good times too, more now and for longer than before. Getting me back is still a ways off.

ladies_first posted 10/22/2013 13:42 PM

Google Brene Brown videos; there were 2 (TED Conference was 1 of the 2) that were a gentle revelation: if you blunt the painful feelings, you also blunt the joy.

So you need to grieve the past, and actively explore new/different activities that bring you joy.

Other things that helped me:
1. Gratitude Journal. Every night write down 3 (or more) things that were good about your day. That way your focus is on what you do have, as opposed to what you are grieving.
2. Identify WHAT you are grieving. This may be a long list -- and honestly, a bit fog-like and possibly dream/fantasy based.
*Marriage
*Family
*Unborn (future) children
*white picket fence
*holidays
*etc.
I found less and less was I grieving about him ... and more it was grief for fantasy future/happily ever after.

I found that it worked better if I did this two exercises separately (NOT both at bedtime!)

(((nutmegkitty)))

Come back and let us know what worked for you!

lost4now posted 10/23/2013 10:37 AM

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I'm with you....I don't feel much either. Sometimes I really wonder about myself so seeing this topic makes me feel more normal!

Here's hoping that TIME will pass, healing will occur and life will return to a new normal.