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2 things, looking for perspective

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AML04 posted 10/22/2013 08:13 AM

First, I'm having a real hard time believing H when he tells me he loves me, that I'm enough and he only wants what we have. I have told him I need to feel special to him, I need to see that he truly wants to be with me more than he ever wanted OW (both romantically and sexually). I have given him some things that would help with this but he said he has a hard time because it doesn't feel natural. My response was that he did it with her, why can't he do it for his wife. They got all those ego boosts from each other and now when I need him to show me, he doesn't know how...

Anyone have any advice to help me explain this to him better?? OR am I expecting too much? Should I just accept he was more demonstrative with her because of the nature of the A? We were like that in the beginning/middle of our relationship but it definitely fell off, and almost stopped all together the past 3 years. I knew I loved him and I thought he loved me but it never occurred to me to show him outwardly. We did the Love Languages quiz and for both of us touch and words of affirmation are very high. I just can't understand why he finds it so hard to do with me now.

The 2nd thing (sorry this is so long) is that H still works with OW. He has been looking for another job but for reasons I won't get into, nothing has panned out yet. Recently I started thinking I almost don't want him to get a new one (as long as he can be happy there) because I truly believe he has no desire for a relationship with OW ever again. He has honored NC, will walk away if he sees her and barely acknowledges her when she does have to talk to him about work related things. He is uncomfortable there though because it is a small company and obviously everyone sees the tension. I think everybody knows what happened but all that has been said is they can't be "friends" any more. I know I'm rambling but to make a long story short, I almost feel like the devil you know is better than the one you don't? H seems to understand the hows and whys he chose to have an A and says he will not put himself in that position again...but it's still way too early for me to believe it. Thoughts??

[This message edited by AML04 at 8:15 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

devasted30 posted 10/22/2013 09:37 AM

On the first subject, I understand what you are saying. I too had a hard time getting my WS to really connect with me, especially in bed. He tried to explain it to me this way....he was ashamed and when we would try to become intimate, he just couldn't because of the shame. I kept telling him to buck up buttercup because I was going through hysterical bonding and that intimacy was what I needed and if he would just force himself then maybe it would happen. Well, long story short - nothing seemed to work. When we were at our Therapist two weeks ago, I brought it up and said again what I needed and our therapist told my WS to get "to it" That this was part of what I needed to start to move forward. Guess what - he did and it has improved tremendously. Not perfect but definitely better.
How to explain all this to your WS is a conundrum but maybe if you explain the "hysterical bonding" thing to him, he might start to understand.
You are a brave woman - obviously - if you can manage to live with your WS seeing the OW everyday and having to deal with her. I don't know if I could do that. But, I suppose if your WS is remorseful and sorry, she probably makes him feel ashamed of what he did to you, your marriage and what he allowed himself to become.
But, this is just how I see it and hell, I thought my WS would never cheat - what the hell to I know.

AML04 posted 10/22/2013 10:22 AM

Thank you so much for your response :)

The sex with us had been really good, although I guess I would prefer it to be more intimate rather than sex. I guess I'd also love for him to be more verbal about it?? All I see in my head is texts to OW, one of them in particular where he said she was amazing. I want to feel that too, you know?

I do wonder if my love language would have been the same if I took the test before the A though.

As for the work thing, don't get me wrong, it is not the best case scenario. Right now he's pissed because she has no consequences so it's definitely stalling that feeling if indifference we would all like our WS to have. I know having any feelings for OW, even negative, isn't healthy for R but at least I trust nothing else will happen with her. Idk, maybe deluding myself.

[This message edited by AML04 at 10:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

devasted30 posted 10/22/2013 11:52 AM

Well, the intimacy is a hard one. My WS has always loved that part, likes to cuddle, hold hands, hug etc. That's what I closed off from him for so long and why he went looking elsewhere. That and he needed someone to need him. Validation - crazy, I thought he knew how much I depended on him. Guess you need to verbalize it. Have you tried telling your WS that you need hand holding, cuddling, hugging etc. Have your spelt it out - exactly - what it is you need? Sometimes they need to be hit over the head with a 2 x 4 to really, really get it.

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