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Just Found Out and Feeling... Lost

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momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 10:18 AM

After a 15 year relationship and 6 years of marriage, I just found on on October 1, 2013 that my husband has been having a 7 month affair with a co-worker. He says he loves us both and that his gut tells him that he and I will be together in the end, but mine isn't so sure. I'm hurting, lost, confused, anxious... I don't eat, I barely sleep unless I'm so exhausted that I just pass out, and I wake up at all hours of the night. I'm finding it difficult to do for my daughter because all I do is cry and when I'm not with someone, I live in a perpetual panic attack.

LMomof2 posted 10/22/2013 10:26 AM

I am a new member as well to this club which no one wants to belong to. After 36 years of marriage, my D-day was last week. We are here for you sweetie and will help you get through this. People here are at different stages of their recovery and you will get throught this as will I. Read through the HEALING LIBRARY section of this helps...and read the entries from others who have gone through this nightmare as well. They are full of wisdom. Hang in there and lots and lots of (((HUGS))) for you. And as many people have told me...take care of yourself, drink lots of water, eat well, and get your rest. Your precious daughter is there for you.

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 10:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

MovingUpward posted 10/22/2013 10:26 AM

Welcome to SurvivingInfidelity

You are already experiencing common symptoms of loss of appetite and poor sleeping. You need to look at making sure that you eat and drink. Try to throw some exercise in there too as that will help.

If you are feeling like you are in a constant panic attack then I'd go to your doctor about that. You might need a medication to break that cycle and allow you to function better.

He says he loves us both

If he truly loves you then why would he be engaging in an affair which he knows is hurtful to you? This sounds more like he is trying to get you to buy into his choice.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 10:41 AM

He says he can't see things continuing for another 10 months (I am not in the marital home right now). Eating just isn't happening. I've tried and I've thrown up every time. I'm ok when I'm with someone (a cousin, my mom), but it's when I'm alone and it's at night that things really hit me. I went out the other night to my high schol reunion, something I always dreamed of going to with my husband by my side. I had to ignore all of my classmates and their mates and for a little while, I forgot I was hurting. But when I got back home? Oh I got my daughter to bed and locked myself in my bedroom and doubled over.
He was always a good husband, took care of us with no complaints. He came home every night. He kissed me goodbye every morning. I've seen him cry over the thought of losing us and I want to believe so much that he and I will be able to overcome this, but the OW keeps coming back. I'm waiting on her to screw up, but while I'm waiting, I feel like crap for wanting this.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 11:24 AM

I forgot to mention that OW is moving in with him tomorrow. When does the pain stop?

TheClimb posted 10/22/2013 11:46 AM

I forgot to mention that OW is moving in with him tomorrow. When does the pain stop?

I am so sorry that you are hurting. It takes a while to get over this. I found that while I could not eat "food", I could keep down liquids. Ensure was my savior. If you haven't already, check out the Healing Library on the upper left hand corner. You will see that you are not alone and many of us have stood in your shoes. Also read up on the 180, this will help you get a little control over your life.

Because he is being such a moron, I suggest you see an attorney pronto and protect yourself and your child. See if you can charge him with abandonment along with infidelity. Have divorce papers drawn up immediately and have his nasty ass served.

Many of us have found that the only chance you have to save the marriage is to let it go. Let him see that you are not going to take this shit and play back seat to some whore. He wants to live with his girlfriend? Fine, then he will no longer be married to you. He doesn't get to decide "which girl wins", you do.

Is the whore married? If so, it will help you immensely if you tell her husband about the affair.

Finally, don't discuss any of this with your husband, he will talk you out of it. He will say that by filing for divorce you are ruining any chance of him coming home. FTG, him screwing that woman is ruining the marriage.

Keep posting and try to get some fluids in. I know this feels like forever and the end, but you are going to be ok.

LMomof2 posted 10/22/2013 11:55 AM

THere is a special place in hell for both of them. You are hurting now and will for some time. I agree that you have to protect yourself and your child by seeing a lawyer. Most offer the initial hour for free. At least talk about how to protect yourself financially. You don't want him to add insult to injury by him doing something irrational with your assets. I know you are wrapped up in your emotions right now and understandably so but try please to protect yourself and your daughter.

Faithful w/Love posted 10/22/2013 13:23 PM

Oh sweetie,
I am so sorry. I know how you felt and still kinda do. I remember all to well those emotions, and the physical toll it took on me. Alot of us do. It takes a MENTAL toll on you as well, When you have a wh that won't give up the AP and is a cake eater or chooses the AP is the most devasting thing that can happen. We can not wrap our brains around why or how they could do this to us and the family they seemed to love so much and were so proud of. Nothing we say will take the pain away but we can help you help yourself in that.
Please eat, a cracker something. The fustration is going to be had because you can't get through to him, you can control what he is doing, and you can't make him have a come to Jesus moment. I tried that for years and sorta still am but not like I use to.
He is broken something in him is broke. I know that is hard to understand when he was such a great husband. I truly feel they get into these A's at first thinking "well this AP really likes me, and they continue with the EA and then the PA comes and you become the enemy. They become evil and spiteful. They say the most hurtful things, it is like they turn into Satan himself. And that is no joke about how my wh treated me. But, please don't blame yourself for this.

Did you move out on your own? You know that is still your home!

If I can give some advice that I never took myself and wish I would have not been so scared would have been to file ASAP and knock him off his high horse. Even if he was still going to be with skanktwat, I would have had a better chance of saving my marriage than I do now with all the crap we went through and will have to go through. So much has been done now that I am not sure about us at all. We are seperated and that is the best thing for me.
I want you to know that we care about you and understand. We will always be in your corner.
Stand your ground, protect yourself and child, and kick his ass off the fence.

That co worker is nothing be a HO and a homewrecker. She is nothing be a jezebell and she will not last.

You are worthy, you are specical, you are loving, caring, and a GREAT wife. It is his damn loss.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 13:28 PM

Thank you all for the support. Divorce is the last thing I want... as stupid as it sounds, I still love him and always thought of him as my counterbalancer. He was my best friend and he says I was his too... says I AM his best friend. The thought of giving up hurts more than holding on.
The Healing Library link takes me to the FAQ, so I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Also, waking up because my heart hurts so much is triggering my anxiety and I am always shaking. Not shivering, but actually shaking. Has anyone else experienced this? And is it easier when you are angry vs. when you just feel pain and hurt?

Faithful w/Love posted 10/22/2013 13:36 PM

Here is what I went through, I was 148 and dropped to 114 in about 2 months. I shook all the time, I was forgetful, my mind would not stop racing, my heart was always pounding, I had night sweats, I sweated when I was cold because I was shaking so bad. This last 2 years. I should have been on anxiety meds. I would have panic attacks constantly, I would wake up out of a dead sleep and panic and cry. I cried all the time. I could not get my barrings.
This is all normal. You have been hit with all the emotions at one time. And you will be on a roller coaster. The anger will come and go and get stronger with time at least it did for me.

All of our wh's were are bestfriend and mine still tells me.. but how could a bestfriend throw you to the curb like that and not consider you and your child?

He is having the OW move into your house? HELL NO!

I know you don't want to file and you don't have to. This is your life and you will play it out the way you need to. We are just stating that most that filed right away kicked the wh off the fence.

Raven96 posted 10/22/2013 13:43 PM

Hi, Honey.

The Healing Library has all things in red. FAQs, Articles, Books, etc. Start reading!!!

It is absolutely true that you have to be willing to let go of your marriage to save it. Let me repeat that: You Have To Be Willing To Let Go Of Your Marriage To Save It.

He wants you both, and he knows he can have it because he knows YOU. Don't let him do this to you. Get to a lawyer to find out what your options are, and do the 180 on him. The 180 is listed in the Healing Library under FAQ for the BS, #11, I believe. Do it now! You can't waste time on this if the whore is moving in tomorrow!

We are all here for you, and I am going to private message you after I post this.

Sending you hugs!!!!! Please take care of YOU and YOUR BABY right now.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 16:46 PM

I'm just tired. The past 22 days have felt like a year in passing. Each day feels like I'm rooted in place, trying to figure out how to pick one foot up. Putting it in front of the other is a different story, but this feeling paralyzed is what I can't cope with. Things I used to find enjoyable just don't help. Baking reminds me that he encouraged that hobby. Knitting reminds me that he encouraged that hobby. Cooking is torture because I learned to cook things he would like, things that were different from what I grew up eating and being back in my birthplace, I want to bring different things to my other family.
The dark cloud that resides over my head right now is threatening to suffocate me. I actually considered writing out what I wanted to happen with my daughter (to finish her school year here, then have her father come get her) and I was either going to end it all, or just walk out of the house and vanish. It was so bad that I ended up calling someone I haven't spoken to in a few years at 4 am just to help get me out of that place.
This may not make sense, but yes, he has severely hurt me and as of right now, he still is... but as much as he hurts me, he is the balm for the hurt too.

Raven96 posted 10/22/2013 17:01 PM

You need to get to a doctor right away for some medication to make you feel better. No one is worth taking your life. Yes, the old person you knew is the balm, but he is gone.

Please look at your precious daughter and think about how much she needs her mom. Think about all of the things she will need you for in the future.

Please find someone to spend the night with you tonight. You shouldn't be alone. I understand that you are hurting and devastated, but you have so much going for you. Do not let this shell of a person your husband has become destroy you. You have strength inside you. Find it and fight, for you and for your daughter.

Please keep posting so we know you're okay.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 18:44 PM

It's really not just him. I've been doubting myself for a while now. I have been looking for a job and have either not been contacted again or I have gotten rejection letters. I was already feeling down about that and ready to throw in the towel and move back with him... Then he told me about what had been going on. No prompting, no prying. He just outright told me. All he would say was that it had been a few times, but then OW emailed me and told me more... that it had been going on since March, that she had been in our home, and the kicker: that she had gotten pregnant. He and I had been having unprotected sex for years hoping for another child and here she was.. I felt bad for feeling somewhat glad that she miscarried.
I feel like I just want to lie down and sleep the sleep of unfeeling. I don't have a doctor because I can't afford one.

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 18:53 PM

was already feeling down about that and ready to throw in the towel and move back with him

So you had moved out before you found out about the affair? May we ask why? Why did you leave your home with him?

The best way to end his cake eating behavior is to stop being one of his options. Right now, he's lost nothing. He has his girlfriend, and his wife is waiting in the wings. In order for this selfish behavior to stop, he needs to see that his options are dwindling.

If he has lost nothing, what reason does he have to stop? He isn't seeing the pain you're in - he only sees his selfish wants. So, again, if he hasn't lost anything, what reason does he have to stop?

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 19:21 PM

I left because things were really rough financially. He was the sole breadwinner and it was increasingly difficult to take care of three of us, rent and bills. My mother offered to help, but we decided in the end that me and our daughter would likely do better with her for a year. This was supposed to be a year.. not a separation, but a year to both save finances. I keep holding on because OW has messed up a few times and a huge part of me keeps hoping that he will open his eyes. He's said before that he doesn't know what it is. He's also said that this is her last chance. I have so many questions, not just for him, but for myself. I honestly feel like I was contacted because she wanted to stake her claim and rub in what I had just found out.

Truly posted 10/22/2013 19:34 PM

I just wanted to send you some (((((hugs))))) and comfort.

Very, very gently... Please read your posts as if you were reading them to your very best friend or sister.

What advice would you give them? and, How angry would you feel?

'She's' messed up a few times?

He has messed up MONUMENTALLY.

Breathe nice deep breaths. Protein snacks and smoothies are good at this time.

You are good mother, you are kind and you are strong.

Sending peace x

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 19:36 PM

Gently, who cares why you were contacted? Your husband is cheating. You need to stand up for yourself. What he is doing is not right. He will do this for as long as you allow it, period.

Her last chance? When is his last chance??? You realize you are hoping your husband's girlfriend screws up so he will go back to you. He is YOUR husband. Do you really want him if he's only with you because she messed up?

I truly believe the only way to end what he is doing is to force his hand. If he knows you are no longer waiting in the wings, he will be forced to either stop what he is doing, or you will be free and know for certain what the outcome is.

I know this hurts, and it's scary, but what he is doing is unacceptable. Is this really what you want your daughter to think is acceptable? This is the example she is seeing - that it's ok for a man to treat his wife disrespectfully and to have his girlfriend move in, and the wife just sits on the sidelines.

Sweetheart, I feel so badly for you. The pain you are in must be tremendous. Please, don't let fear of the unknown rule you. You have been living without him for some time. You don't need to know you have a husband to be ok. Please, don't accept any more disrespect from this man.

momof1girl posted 10/22/2013 19:56 PM

My daughter is 6.. she has no idea what is going on. She thinks mommy is sick, not sad. She thinks that when mommy cries, it's because she misses her daddy... and in a way, she is right. A huge part of me wonders if he is continuing things because he feels that he has messed up and that there is no redemption for him? That, since it's already started, why not? He says that it kills him that he has hurt me like this... but I don't know anymore. Knowing you hurt the person you called the love of your life should be incentive to stop carrying on with the OW. Maybe he really does need closure. Maybe, just maybe one day I will wake up and realize it doesn't hurt anymore.

Rabecca posted 10/22/2013 19:58 PM

As someone who is still very early in my own process, the one thing I want to emphasize is you have to eat. Trust me, every bite wants to come right back up. For 2 months I was eating maybe 500 or 600 calories a day. I lost more inches then pounds but it was significant. But not eating only hurts you. With out sufficient calories, your judgement is hindered. I think that if I had put more emphasise on eating better earlier I could have started working on myself sooner. You will be able to start to think more clearly when you fuel your brain. For me it was almost a mental exercise and I had to talk myself into every bite. Even now I still have to remind myself to eat because I don't feel hungry. But I do have more up times and I know it is largely from taking better care of myself.

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