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Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 10:51 AM

Time to shut down the rumor mill again.

The latest one is that XPerv is asking permission to bring Fatty B out of the dark and into sunlight and introduce her to his family.

The rumor mill also told me that DD is running around bragging to people about her new life with her father, showing pictures, talking about her "new family".

The rumor mill is not happy with this development but has not guts to tell him to eff off.

So, they lose me.

Only one IL has the guts to tell him that the person is not welcome at their house. I told her if people welcome Fatty B, they lose me. It's not meant as a contest but is the tip top of my threshold and I am toppling over again.

So, in effort to not let it emotionally break me, I am going to go silent on them again.

Rumor has it that something is brewing for holiday time and I simply don't want to hear it anymore.

This woman is a true friend and listened and I believe when she said what she did. This woman also said she worries she will be forced to meet her someday and doesn't know what to do. Being polite is inbred in her as it is me, but she claims loyalty.

Her H is very angry and their way is to not respond to XPerv's contact, but I also am a realist and get the blood and water thing.

xPerv is also very, very bold and could just show up at these places with the tribe.

So I think that cutting ties is probably best.

Some of them have sent baby gifts and it goes against my upbringing to not send a thank you. Some of them are pretty much out of my life now anyway, but 20 years is a lot to swallow.

To be so easily replaced will take a while to get over.

Most days and nights I don't even think of this anymore, but one of them wanted to visit the baby and this came out.

What it does do, is reinforce the crickets to the whole effing bunch. They are such a strange group, who don't deal with reality until it's a major problem and then they put a band aid over it.

We really learn who is "true" in the face of this kind of mess, don't we?

Eta to add that this man believes he is in the right; he believes he is not a cheater; he believes Fatty B is his future, his soul mate.

Now DD is dragged in and being shown this kind of living is okay, when it is.so.not.

A good thing is that one other of them won't tolerate being embarrassed by the A in town long-it's a very small town and this man is professional and very prevalent in the community. He's bailed XPerv out in the past legally and will stop doing so when his own threshold is reached. This will be a stop for the karma bus.

Why do we put up with what we do?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 10:56 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/22/2013 10:55 AM

I'm so sorry! I hurt for you!

sunsetslost posted 10/22/2013 11:00 AM

You're damn right it won't break you Ash. Stay strong.

Thefly559 posted 10/22/2013 11:08 AM

So sorry. Glad to hear the strength in your words. "It will NOT break me". Stay strong.

Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 11:59 AM

Thank you.

This is such a twisted bunch of people that some have actually lectured me that I am "disappointing the family" by not appearing at their functions when XPerv decides he doesn't want to go.

I take crumbs from no one.

Another of them told me one day, "well, my little brother is a great catch." Last time I interacted with that one was a year ago. And no...I don't see a great catch there, any longer.

It's strange because the one who told me the rumors is trying to not get caught up in it but wants to fill me in when I will stand to hear it. I noticed when I said anything back she clammed right up and would not reply one way or the other, solidly.

She was listing people she thinks have met Fatty B and then when I commented, as I said, would not reply.

I'm doing better than other times this has come up, for I'm not on the floor today. I knew it was coming and am surprised he waited as long as he did.

It's hard to feel bad for the IL's though because their rug sweeping is going to catch up with them now and a big mess is going to come out of it. When there is tragedy and trauma, they fight.

They are all narcissistic, like oil and water and all wanting to be "in charge". And they can't figure this out. They are not aging well as a group and their dysfunction is rearing its ugly head. They're getting caught in the web that XPerv spun and going to get more hurt and hurt each other.

But...it's difficult to feel bad for this, when they could fix it.

I remember deaths in the family with glasses being thrown at each other. I remember some pretty nasty swearing at each other at other traumas and years of silent treatment.

It's not the way I wanted to be done with them, but when I read my own writing, yikes.

My father asked one day recently, "how did I not catch all this earlier?" I said, "dad, I was 17 years old. You don't care about that or see it, esp. in the face of "escaping" your parents!" How can anyone foresee this? kwim?

Pass posted 10/22/2013 12:13 PM

That really sucks, Ash. Slowly, XPerv is weaselling his way in there.

Unfortunately, with most families, it is safe to say that he will succeed. You've been around for 20 years, and they've loved you, but he's been around longer.

My in-laws have found it MUCH easier to break all ties with me. It hurts like hell, but I know it's good for me in the long run.

I know your life is beyond crazy right now, and it will be a hard thing to do, but you need to get out there and make a new support network. This is what I've done with my music friends, and some old co-workers. I've been totally honest with them, and they have accepted me with open arms. It feels good.

Also, get yourself an unlimited texting plan and start texting regularly with any distant friends or family you have good relationships with. When I have trouble getting to sleep at night, I text my sister who lives in a different time zone, and has just finished supper.

Most cities offer play groups for parents to take their babies to. Even though your little is too small to partake, you can meet a lot of new moms there who may also be looking for adult contact.

XPerv has destroyed a lot of what you know, and will probably continue to do so. It's time to build.

As usual, I understand your life is a LOT harder than mine is right now, so you should take all my advice with a grain of salt.

... and also, I'm pretty fucked up.

nutmegkitty posted 10/22/2013 12:14 PM

I'm sorry. It's a crappy situation.
But you sound really, really strong in your resolve to not let it break you - good for you.

I've basically gone silent to all of my former in laws too, save for one former SIL who is not blood. She keeps me updated on the ex's latest doings if I ask. Most times I don't.

Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 12:42 PM

@pass, it's interesting you said that because just last night at around 3, I pulled out an old project I was writing for a job and started looking at it again. Before the baby was born, I would bury myself in that or in college classes and I'm excited to be actually thinking about them both again.

Yesterday I realized I was feeling a little different and today I have some anger at my visitor because I really enjoyed how I felt. I didn't think for two minutes about XPerv yesterday, but worked on thank you's for the baby and then my project.

I actually played with DD again and it felt really good. At night during the feedings I wasn't dead as a doornail and my migraine is gone. So I think part of my feeling is that anger, like I said.

This is a very Christian, church going woman who wouldn't hurt a flea and I don't think told me the rumors to hurt or set me back. She tells me not to trust any of them or confide and I think she may be genuine, but I don't tell her too much, either.

I like your ideas for things to do and am saving money for infant swimming in the spring. My nephew has done it since he was born and loves it and his mom has made lunch friends from the pool, tool

They have a "family swim" also that DD could go to that I'd like to do in spring.

Part of me worries for DD, also and people getting annoyed at her, which they are showing. She's getting so dragged into the A and confused about right and wrong.

XPervert is atheist/antagonist and I am not, though not strongly practicing and I did describe some of this to her because she was asking about various people being mad at daddy.

He's not welcome at my relatives and she's telling those who accept him that she likes them for it.

It goes on and on.

And yes, I suspect it will know no bounds, as it hasn't already.

Thefly559 posted 10/22/2013 14:52 PM

I can tell you just from my own experience , in the beginning I tried to remain friends with stbxww family. Her cousin who I was friends with for 30 years would tell me little and big details , thinking I wanted to know but then when I would ask more questions he would say that I don't need to know that and that it was no longer my business. So my point is be careful! It was easier and better for me to cut them all off than to trust any of them! Just my thoughts and experience Hope you are doing better.

Dawn58 posted 10/23/2013 06:04 AM

HI Ashland,

I had to cut off all communications with my in laws when my mother in law started to blame me for the affair. At first she was so angry with him for cheating for a third time. She felt so much shame about that. Then, slowly, she started to change. She met the mistress within a month of Dday. The last time I spoke to her was Mother's Day. I am glad not to have any contact with her.

I know the pain you are feeling. I know how painful it is when the men we love bring their shiny new toys for the world to embrace. It hurts. It makes me feel that I didn't matter. But we know the truth. I've had to cut off contact with most of that part of my life or tell them that I don't want to know what he is up to. It brings up to much pain plus I want the focus to be on the future.

YOu have family here on SI. You have people that really care for you, hear your pain and support you as you start a new life for you and your children.

Hugs to my strong friend!!!!

SBB posted 10/23/2013 07:01 AM

((Ashland))

I had to implement strict NC in order to move myself out of the crazy. I don't let anyone tell me anything about him - he rarely comes up in conversation but for "Is loser still being a loser?" every now and then from people I don't catch-up with often.

I have cut contact with his family save for FB and we only discuss my girls. Friends who are in his life do not get to be in mine. It has freed me up to be open to a whole new set of friends and I've reconnected with old friends who I had isolated myself from in my M/misery years.

You have a newborn - right now you are busily bored. That state where you don't have time to scratch yourself but A LOT of time to ponder.

It was with my first newborn that I realised my husband had slipped away. That he wasn't the man I thought I married. That I was really, really, REALLY unhappy.

It took another 4+ years for him to actually set me free but in those first few months all of the little and not so little things I had been distracting myself from were all of a sudden front and centre. I couldn't distract myself any longer.

Be gentle with yourself honey. My youngest was 17m on DD - I can only imagine what it is like for you.

You WILL get through this. You will look back on this time and be amazed that not only did you survive it but you thrived.