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whereisshenow posted 10/22/2013 12:05 PM

Hello everybody. I am posting here because I need to confront my WS, but I do not know how. I have known from sneaking looks at her phone that she is pursuing multiple relationships by answering personal ads from a popular website.

This all started over a year ago because of a bitter and ongoing dispute my wife and I had concerning religion. Very long story. Lots of counseling and hurt feelings. She felt betrayed, and she is still angry with me about it.

Then, not quite two months ago, I became suspicious, checked her phone, and realized she was pursuing an affair with at least one other man. As of today, I know she has contacted at least five different men, physically met up with at least two of them, and I am 75% sure she had sex with at least one of them. I am not sure if the sexual encounter happened once or multiple times, and I think it had been going on for over a month before I became aware of it. Yesterday she met yet another man for lunch, then immediately afterwards they exchanged emailed to tell each other how much they liked each other. The same afternoon she texted another of her contacts because she wanted to talk.

I think this is all about revenge, but it is probably much more complex than just that. It is tearing me up, but I feel stuck. I really want to resolve our issues, but I know nothing meaningful can happen until I confront her. There are tons of other details, but I wanted to keep this post short.

Thoughts?

simplydevastated posted 10/22/2013 12:26 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If you haven't already, please check out the healing library. You can find it in the yellow box on the left side of the screen. There is a lot of helpful information there.

As far as confronting, tread carefully. She will either be super pissed, blame you, call you crazy, and try to tell you that you don't know what your talking about. This is all gaslighting and blameshifting. If this happens be prepared for her to take it underground. On the other hand, she could come clean to what she's doing.

My best advice is to keep digging a bit more, gather as much hard evidence as you possibly can. Once you've done that confront with half of what you know so she will have to come up with the rest so you know that she's being honest and not holding anything back. Trickle truth (TT) is sometimes harder then dealing with infidelity. Also, try not to reveal how you found out because if she wants to keep her affairs going she will change all her passwords and not let you have access to anything. If she asks you how you found out, you can simply say "It doesn't matter how I found out, what matters is that I know what you're doing." etc...

I hope some of this helps. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are in the right place. This is a wonderful community of caring people.

Keep posting, it helps.

whereisshenow posted 10/22/2013 12:38 PM

Thank you simplydevastated. I really appreciate your advice. I have thought of some of these things, but I really needed some affirmation. The Healing Library has been a great resource so far. Right now, I just need to talk, and there is nobody in my life I can think of that I want to share this misery with. Trying to stay strong until I can figure out how to pull this off.

jjct posted 10/22/2013 13:25 PM

You say you "want to resolve our issues", but you must realize that her cheating is not your issue to resolve.

Nor did the issues within your M, or the feeling she was betrayed by some religious dispute.

It's all on her.

I don't see such 'binge-pattern' of sex with others from women too much, it's an outlier (mine did), so, I'm going to suggest there is something more wrong with her than usual.

Which leads me to suggest you see a lawyer to learn your options.
I have a feeling you're going to get the tsunami of excuses and blameshifting and crazy-making.
Best to avoid that.
I think confronting before you're in a safe place and protected would be a mistake.
If you can possibly manage it - get your ducks in a row first.
Sending strength.

justabrokendream posted 10/22/2013 13:35 PM

I agree with jjct - get thee to a lawyer.....

whereisshenow posted 10/22/2013 13:45 PM

Jjct,

That is exactly why I am posting here. I am resolved to getting my ducks in a row first, and the encouragement and suggestions being offered are priceless to me.

I have wondered about my wife’s mental health more than once. Her reaction when I changed my religious affiliations (it was abrupt; I came to the intellectual conclusion that there probably is no God) was to go completely off the deep end. She became suicidal. At my urging she saw her medical doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant. After several months, and at her doctor’s advice, she quit taking the medication a couple of months ago. I wonder now if that was a mistake.

She continues to harbor emotions and opinions about me that I simply cannot understand. We had an argument the other night that sounded exactly like an argument we had 8 months earlier. It is as if she is stuck in some strange feedback loop and just can’t work her way out of it.

Feeling stronger.

simplydevastated posted 10/22/2013 14:01 PM

It almost sounds to me that your views about religion were her "deal breaker" and now she's looking for an out. Again, that's just my opinion from the postings.

I would definitely keep digging and see what you can find. Talk to a lawyer, most offer a free consult so go prepared and ask as many questions as you can.

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 14:42 PM

Wow. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It's a wonderful site that no one wants to know about.

I have to agree - seeking sex with strangers from the internet sounds like a lot more than revenge for an argument. It's very unusual for women to seek sex in this manner, and for her to be meeting multiple men - that tells me there is something that has really disturbed your wife's mental balance. I don't know when or why, but something does seem off.

Her attitude towards you may not be when this started. If she is this bold now, to be juggling multiple men, then there is a chance that she has been at this for some time. Her attitude may be strictly because of her not accepting your religious views, but her sexual indiscretions may be unrelated to the mood she is showing.

Honestly, while getting your ducks in a row is important, so is your wife's safety. It is very unsafe to be meeting strange men on the internet. It is not something that she or any female should be doing, ever. Males should avoid this as well, but biologically speaking, we females are at a disadvantage if we were to be involved in a physical struggle. You should do what it takes to see to it that she does not go to meet any more men.

My suggestion is to try to get her passwords to the websites where she is finding these men, and try to see how far back this all goes. That is all the proof you will need and you can move from there. Yes, there may be other proof available, but at some point, you have what you need.

Her safety should be the priority. Good luck, and I'm sorry.

angerisme posted 10/22/2013 14:50 PM

I really do not think it is your place to "stop" her from seeing all these men. Peole that are unbalanced or sexually addicted will find a way to act out their perversions regardless of what you do. I think you will simply make yourself crazy trying to keep tabs on her and trying to stop her.

I think you should PROTECT yourself and take the steps to build a strong foundation for a good FUTURE. Of course intercourse with her is now a potentially deadly situation and should be avoided. GET THAT LAWYER so you can make an informed decision about your future plans.

confused615 posted 10/22/2013 14:52 PM

Actually,IMHO, YOUR safety should be your priority.

She is endangering your life as well. She is having sex with strangers. Even if a condom was used,it is not safe sex. If there was oral sex,then she has been exposed,and so have you.

You need to be tested asap. And don't have sex with her until she's been tested.

This isn't about revenge. Even if she is pissed off at you,there is no excuse. This is about her fucked up issues. Nothing you did or didn't do made her decide to cheat.

Please take care of yourself.

RyeBread posted 10/22/2013 15:00 PM

Her safety should be the priority.

And even more importantly is your safety and the safety of your kids. You can't control your wife's choices. She is choosing to engage in high risk behavior and may or may not get herself in a situation that puts her in danger. That is on her at this point unfortunately. What you can do is make all the necessary arrangements to protect yourself and your kids. I would strongly suggest not engaging in sexual activity with your wife. Get tested for STD's and know where your kids are at all times so they are not exposed to the other men your wife is meeting. She is showing you she makes very poor decisions and has nothing but selfish motives.

I too agree with jjct, make sure to get things in order before you confront. If she is willing to go to these lengths to prove a point with herself then who knows what kind of crazy making she will do when confronted. Be sure to gather hard evidence if possible. When you confront her she will lie or try to make you not believe what you are saying. If you have copies of emails and passwords etc it will help you keep your sanity.

I hate to see you in this situation but you can handle this. Stay strong.

whyme1525 posted 10/22/2013 15:12 PM

not too sure if it would help you but you.could start tracking her cell phone. I unfortunately had track my wife's phone and it gave me all the information I needed to confront her. like someone else said don't tell her everything you know. my wife decided to trickle truth but becouse I knew alot more then I told her i knew she was lying... there are many tracking companies out there I.used mspy and it worked great it's also undetectable once downloaded on her phone..

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 15:30 PM

With respect to all, I meant her safety should take priority over gathering evidence, not over his safety or the safety of his children.

It is very easy to sit behind a keyboard and state that she is doing this so if it ends bad that's on her. In reality, this woman is whereisshenow's wife. He cares about her, even if they are going to divorce. If it were me, I would not want to know that my spouse was permanently injured, raped, or killed because I needed one more piece of evidence that she is cheating.

I am certain some of you will disagree, and that is ok. We all have different opinions.

Thank you

confused615 posted 10/22/2013 16:03 PM

People often wait to confront while they gather evidence. Because usually when confronted, the WS gaslights the Hell out of the BS,leaving them confused and sad and with no real answers,meanwhile the WS takes things further underground.

whereisshenow...IMO I think you have enough evidence to confront. You have copies of texts and emails where she is talking about having sex with these OM.

Get the kids out of the house for the night,sit her down,and tell her you know she has been cheating. Do NOT reveal your sources. Tell her very,very little. You will want her to do most of the talking. If you tell her what you know,she won't admit to anything else. If you tell her how you know, she will learn to cover her tracks better. Be firm. Try to remain in control. Have a VAR on you and have it turned on. You need to protect yourself,in case she decides to go crazy and hurt you..then call the police and say you hit her.

Of course her safety is a concern..but you need to be concerned about your safety as well..and the safety of your children. I understand that you are worried she might be harmed during one of these hook-ups..and for good reason..meeting strangers for sex is extremely dangerous. My WH put himself in terrible danger,more than once. It wasn't until dday,when I told him he had put ALL of us in danger, that he woke up and realized how reckless he had been. Someone could have robbed him..or worse..and taken his wallet and come to our home and hurt me or the kids. This kind of crap happens all the time. She is putting herself..your entire family..in danger by meeting these men. You need to confront her asap.

SerJR posted 10/22/2013 16:21 PM

Welcome here brother,

You're getting some great advice. Since you haven't confronted yet, you have the chance to get your ducks in a row like you said.

The basic attack plan is:
- Gather evidence of her behaviour
- Consult your lawyer and have a draft separation agreement ready
- Get ready to separate your finances
- Then confront her.

When you confront, tell her that you know what is going on and that you refuse to stay in a marriage in which infidelity is prevalent. Let her know that you would prefer towork on the marriage (if that is true), but that you are willing to move forward with your life one way or another. Have the separation agreement ready in hand to present her. And be willing to enforce this boundary.

This is about the biggest hit with the reality stick you can lay out. It will expose the truth of her actions and the consequences - to her. It will demonstrate that you respect yourself, that you are not a doormat, and that you are serious. You are reaching one hand out to her, while holding that reality stick in the other. Let her know that it's her choice as to how she follows through, but that if she wants you to stay that you want a change in behaviour over the longterm.

For more information on how to get it all together, look through the JFO forum and read all the threads that have the bullseye icon. They contain good info that isn't always in the Healing Library, and some of them contain a little more detail on these steps.

whereisshenow posted 10/22/2013 18:07 PM

Thank you to everyone for the calm, cool advice. Sanity seems to have been in short supply lately. Glad I found this site.

happyman64 posted 10/22/2013 22:40 PM

Glad you came here though sad that you had to.

Great advice and SerJr laid out a good solid plan.

It really sounds like your wife has had some kind of personality split/breakdown.

No matter, get your solid evidence, get proper legal guidance then confront.

Do not be afraid to push legal separation.

She needs to be shown that her lousy decisions have strong consequences.

HM