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Childcare question

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pregnantandsad posted 10/22/2013 12:28 PM

Hi all. WH and I have been living apart for 3 months now. We have not filed for S or D yet but will be soon. He is living with OW (still claims she is just a friend) and I am at my parents with our DD and 6 week old baby.

WH works weird hours and typically has 2 days off a week, always different days. Every week he lets me know his schedule for the following week and what days he will take DD. He typically picks her up at 9 and brings her home at 5. Lately he has been pushing keeping her overnights. I am not ok with this. I have not seen his new place, I have never met OW and we are still married!!!! I think it is so effed up to have our daughter spend the night at the place her dad lives with another woman while we are technically not even seperated.

My question is, I keep telling him no to overnights, but am I allowed to keep denying him that? I am afraid he will just keep pushing it and at some point I will have to cave.

I am so concerned about how DD will react to him living with OW. She knows OW and thinks they are just friends, I think DD will be very confused to find out they live together. This is all still so new to her- in 3 months we have moved out of our house she loved, moved in with my parents, her parents no longer are together and she has a new baby sister that takes up a lot of my time. I feel like she is still processing so much and this will be too much for her.

I feel like I am rambling, I am just so upset over all this. I don't want her sleeping under the same roof as OW.

Nature_Girl posted 10/22/2013 12:45 PM

Many, if not most states, don't allow/force overnights until a child is two or three years old.


Further, it's generally recommended by every single parenting expert I've ever read that long separations from the primary care giver - that would be you - is psychologically detrimental to the baby. Stand firm, mama!

pregnantandsad posted 10/22/2013 12:55 PM

I should clarify, he wants to keep our older daughter (she is 4) overnight. He knows he can t have the baby overnight, he agrees that she shouldn't be away from me while she is so young, plus I breast feed so she really can't be away from me more than a couple hours tops.

Nature_Girl posted 10/22/2013 13:02 PM

Here's the thing: Without some kind of paperwork/documentation that spells out custody/visitation, he could just take your children and keep them. Without any paperwork filed to start the divorce, you have NO protection whatsoever.

Whatever you agree to now is very likely going to be set in stone when your paperwork is filed. I caution you to keep things as they are now and get legal representation immediately. Legal representation can protect your custody, can guide you regarding overnights and how much the OW interacts with your children, and protect your financial interests. There is at least one state that doesn't allow overnights with the paramour/lover/OP at all.

Ashland13 posted 10/22/2013 13:13 PM

This happened very recently, that XPervert forced DD there. I spent the night throwing up and am looking into background checks because I feel like you. Also this is hours away from me and no where or no one I know.

I've been told that it's his parental right and this sickens me.

I also feel like the BS has far less rights than the WS and am wondering if my L is doing all he should be.

I'm sorry for your hard time an the one comfort I can offer is that I do hear this is a common reaction of us all. This helped me feel like I wasn't over the top in reacting, do you know what I mean? With the emotions flying high sometimes I'm not sure.

I hope you're doing ok and am glad you have your parents.

sparkysable posted 10/23/2013 08:08 AM

My question is, I keep telling him no to overnights, but am I allowed to keep denying him that? I am afraid he will just keep pushing it and at some point I will have to cave.

At this point, you have every right to deny overnights. There is no court order telling you that you have to do overnights, so you're not violating anything. My opinion? Do NOT let him have overnights, it will set a precedent that will be hard to go back on.

hangingontohope7 posted 10/23/2013 10:50 AM

I second what Nature_Girl said.

Without some sort of document in place, he could take your DD and then refuse to send her back. He has the same rights as you do. I'm not trying to scare you or force you into sending her for overnights. But, I think its time to get some legal advice. Do everything you can to protect you and your kids.

Hang in there!!

pregnantandsad posted 10/23/2013 15:54 PM

Thanks everyone. I have an appt with an attorney and will be filing for D in the next couple of weeks. Still can't believe all of this is happening, but I agree that I need to protect myself and my girls.

ruinedandbroken posted 10/23/2013 19:07 PM

Good idea on getting the attorney. Get something in writing a.s.a.p.

I think this kind of thing varies state to state. In my state I was not able to keep them from spending the night. I tried to have it put in writing that when they do spend the night, that OW cannot be there but they would not enforce that. I did have it in our divorce decree but by that time XH and OW were broken up and the damage, (in my opinion), had already been done.

rainagain posted 10/23/2013 21:37 PM

When you meet with your attorney explain the situation and ask about temporary orders which can be put in place right away before you even file. These orders can be written to preserve the safest schedule for your dd and infant and can also address finances all until the D is final.

Nature_Girl posted 10/23/2013 21:56 PM

Yeah, I wouldn't be waiting a couple more weeks to get the ball rolling as far as some kind of enforceable visitation schedule/agreement. You need to pin this down right away.

RavenWood posted 10/23/2013 22:45 PM

pregnantandsad - I'll echo what everyone else has said. Talk to a lawyer immediately!
I'd recommend you file for divorce, you don't have to follow through with it, but it is important to have it filed. Once filed, tell him flat out no and if he continues to be persistent tell him to file a temporary custody order and explain to a judge why it would be in the best interest of your children to spend the night away from their home, primary caregiver, and with a woman your children don't know and don't need to know. If he has the balls to follow through, you should be able to sit back and watch the judge tell him he is an idiot.

If you don't file, and you let him take the kids overnight you are setting a precedence and will have to be the one explaining to a judge why the over nights should be taken away now that it has been established.

Seriously, seek local legal advice asap.

ChoosingHope posted 10/23/2013 23:25 PM

I just wanted to echo what everyone else here has said: you need an attorney to guide you and lock things down as much as possible.

One thing I've always been told is that the longer you have the children with you, the less likely it is that judges will want to change things. So the longer you can avoid overnights, the better.

I've avoided them for 2+ years, but I have extenuating circumstances, and I'm in a custody battle.

Hang in there. Be strong.

tesla posted 10/25/2013 08:03 AM

Please get an attorney and file for divorce so that you can get temp visitation/custody orders in place.

You may be able to work something out with WS or you may need to use the state's guidelines. Either way is better than what you are doing now.

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