SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Rabecca posted 10/22/2013 12:32 PM

Hi, I am a new member. My D-Day was August 13th. I discovered my husband was developing feelings for someone he works with. We went through a couple of weeks of him crying and sad over having to ‘lose one of the women he loves’. He has since moved out to his brother’s house because he couldn’t handle the pressure. He is continuing to pursue a relationship with her. At this point it has only been an emotional affair. Based on reading through the healing library he seems to be in a text book case of the ‘fog’. In two short months my husband has practically become unrecognizable. He often is short with our three children. He lashed out at me last night because it was ‘my fault’ she was mad at him for ‘hanging up’ on her because I was there. He basically told me that he is not saving my feelings anymore and will take calls and text in front of me even though I asked him not too before because it was rude. He later apologized for being so mean to me. I just want to get off this roller coaster. I had been having such a good day. I had done things for myself. I had new resolve to let things roll off my back and pretend like I am ok. It is just all so confusing. I feel like a doormat but I just don’t know how to stop.

dameia posted 10/22/2013 13:39 PM

Hi Rabecca. I am so sorry you are in need of our community, but I'm glad you found us. We are here to help you!

It does sound like your WH is deeply in the fog. It is incredibly disrespectful of him to call and text her in front of you.

I would suggest you read up on the 180 and start doing it!
It will help those feelings of being a doormat.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

It is #11 on the list.

Right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children. If you feel up to it, see a lawyer regarding your rights since he has now moved out. In some states that counts as abandonment. I'm not saying you have to file for a D, but it might help him to get out of the fog if he realizes that you are serious about no longer being taken advantage of.

Unfortunately there is no way to R with a person still actively in an A. You sound like you are off to a good start, reading the healing library, doing things for yourself, etc.

You will have your good days and bad days, sadly. But you have found a community of people who can help you through the bad days, and cheer you on during the good days.

Skan posted 10/22/2013 14:38 PM

Rabecca, I'm really sorry that you find the need to come find us, but I am glad that you DID find us for support. You're going to need all of the support that you can get.

With as much compassion and kindness as I can extend to you, your WH has fired you from the job of being his wife and replaced you with someone else. There is no room in a marriage for three. You are being treated as his backup someone that he can toss a couple of crumbs to, in case his A (affair) with the OW doesn't work out. And please believe me, it is an A and I sincerely doubt that it has stayed emotional only. That's not the way men work they want sex and they don't stick around OW unless they get it. I'm so sorry.

Unless you want to share your WH for as long as he wants to pursue OW, you need to take some very firm steps for you and for your children. Your poor children. What a horrible example he is setting for them as to how healthy men and women relate to each other! That in of itself is abusive.

You have no reason to save his "feelings" any more since he has decided to relagate you to the role of downtrodden babysitter. Please. See a laywer. File for a separation, child support, spousal support. Separate your finances take 1/2 of the money in your accounts and put it into an account that only you have access to. He is spending your marital money on his whore. That's money that belongs to you and your children. You need to protect them and protect yourself. Walk away and start building a new life without him in it. This is where you need to show your strength. Your actions may pull his head out of his ass and make his realize exactly what he's throwing away. Your actions may not. But right now, he's the one driving the bus over a cliff. Put on the breaks, and change drivers. You owe it to yourself and to your children. (((hugs)))

Rabecca posted 10/22/2013 19:34 PM

Thank you all. I have done some research on the internet and through a legal plan I have through my work. What makes it hard is he is not a complete asshole all the time. He also has not been a deadbeat. He did already get his own account and is paying expenses. He even gave me cash when he worked some overtime for the kids even though the expenses I pay out of my paychecks are more flexible. I have read over the 180 techniques and was starting to work on implementing them when he blind sided me yesterday with being a jerk. It was very frustrating to let him get to me so bad. I honestly felt lime I was close to having q mental break after that.

I don't think he is lying about not sleeping with the OW because I think some of his out burst is he is sexually frustrated. I could be deluding myself but he has not avoided answereing any of my questions. He says he is not conflicted and sure of this path he is choosing but some of his actions speak otherwise. Part of me hopes I can wait this out for the fog to lift; especially because I do not think the OW is as committed as he thinks. My SIL confirms that he is at their house most of the time. She can tell this OW cancels plans all the time.

Skan posted 10/23/2013 12:38 PM

Rabecca, there are very few things in life that truly are black and white. Most situations do have shades of gray that can apply.

This is not one of them.

Either he is your husband, faithful and true to you, putting you first in all relationships and keeping his vows to you, or he is a sorta roommate with benefits. In this case, it seems like he has ALL of the benefits.

What makes it hard is he is not a complete asshole all the time

Actually, he is. He became a complete asshole every second of his life from the time that he brought another woman into your marriage. There might be possibly degrees of "assholeness," but he is an asshole, adulterer, betrayer, and horrible human being every moment that he puts you into the role of babysitter with benefits vice wife.

He also has not been a deadbeat. He did already get his own account and is paying expenses.

With kindness, that is what he is SUPPOSED to do. That is his "job" as "husband" to support his family. If an adult poos in the toilet and flushes, they don't expect praise. That's what they are supposed to do. But he IS spending marital funds on his OW directly or indirectly. 1/2 of the funds he he is spending on another place to live, wineing and dining her, buying condoms, contributing to the SILs household bills belongs to you and, more importantly, your children.

This is just overwhelming. Lord knows, we all get that. You have our utmost support and compassion. But please, you're doing really well in implementing the 180 so that you can detatch enough to get clarity for your next steps. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that what your WH is doing is in any way OK because he's not being a complete jerk all of the time, when the fact is, that he is. (((hugs)))

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 14:20 PM

I just wanted to give you internet hugs. It is so hard to see and hear someone we trusted and loved give things that are supposed to be for us to someone else. I am in the beginning of my journey also, so I can't really give you advice. But you are not alone. The wonderful people on this site have helped me so much. I am so sad and sorry you are here. This is a club that none of us want membership to. (((Rabecca)))

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 16:50 PM

Welcome here little sister...

As the other members mentioned, the 180 is a great tool to get control back in your life and rebuild your self esteem independently. It takes practise, but if you understand the end goal of creating a stronger you, it will become second nature.

Of course your WH isn't being a "complete asshole" (well, outside of Skan's note which clarifies that he is). Right now he has the best of both worlds - security and familiarity in the marriage, and excitement in the affair. Of course he's gonna throw you the odd bone of seemingly decent behaviour so that he doesn't have to face reality and all the consequences of his craptastic behaviour. This is what we term 'sitting on the fence'.

You deserve better than that, and the 180 will help you to realise this. You don't have to be a doormat. You can take specific actions to protect yourself and let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable to you. Look into that legal plan to see what options you have and make sure you have your finances protected from him. Be clear with him that you would prefer to work on the marriage (if that is true) and that you are not gonna stick around if he continues with down his current path of choices.

Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. And be willing to back it up with action if you want to effect a change. Love yourself and take care of yourself. Protect what is important to you, stay true and keep smart.

You're gonna be okay.

-ser