Rabecca, there are very few things in life that truly are black and white. Most situations do have shades of gray that can apply.
This is not one of them.
Either he is your husband, faithful and true to you, putting you first in all relationships and keeping his vows to you, or he is a sorta roommate with benefits. In this case, it seems like he has ALL of the benefits.
What makes it hard is he is not a complete asshole all the time
Actually, he is. He became a complete asshole every second of his life from the time that he brought another woman into your marriage. There might be possibly degrees of "assholeness," but he is an asshole, adulterer, betrayer, and horrible human being every moment that he puts you into the role of babysitter with benefits vice wife.
He also has not been a deadbeat. He did already get his own account and is paying expenses.
With kindness, that is what he is SUPPOSED to do. That is his "job" as "husband" to support his family. If an adult poos in the toilet and flushes, they don't expect praise. That's what they are supposed to do. But he IS spending marital funds on his OW directly or indirectly. 1/2 of the funds he he is spending on another place to live, wineing and dining her, buying condoms, contributing to the SILs household bills belongs to you and, more importantly, your children.
This is just overwhelming. Lord knows, we all get that. You have our utmost support and compassion. But please, you're doing really well in implementing the 180 so that you can detatch enough to get clarity for your next steps. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that what your WH is doing is in any way OK because he's not being a complete jerk all of the time, when the fact is, that he is. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012