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I have just given my H seven pages of questions about his online A's ...

He has promised to answer them truthfully and honestly.

Some of the questions were hard to write, some made me feel sick to the stomach.

But I have to know ....

Has anyone else done this and got the answers you felt you needed?

I did. But haven't given it to her yet. She isn't ready to answer them honestly (even after 6 years) and if I get another "I don't know" or "I don't remember" I'll snap.

So I'll hang onto it and add more questions as I think of them. When she's finally in a place to open up I'll give it to her. It'll probably be 10 pages long by then.

I did write down questions and emailed them to my H at work. I told him I wanted him to answers the questions that night when he got home. I needed to see his face when answering them. You and I have a similar story and time frame. I read your bio. I too just had a second Dday. I told my husband to read "Joseph's Letter" in the Healing Library. It explains beautifully why we have a "need to know" . Hugs to you.

...I forgot to answer your last question of "getting the answers I needed"

Yes, we talked about all the questions BUT, He's been lying for the past year SO, I still don't know if he's come totally clean. I'm still in a fog since my second Dday so I've got wait to see what my gut tells me

I didn't ask mine in so many words to write it all down but he did, this time. He says he told me everything the first time which at this point I have to believe. Doesn't make it any easier to see in writing. I ran across it just the other day and it made me sick to read it again.

I gave it to him last night. He read it and reread it. He started to answer them by writing it in. I asked some silly ones, but some very important ones.

He understands my need to know details so is trying his hardest to remember dates an time frames etc. He said to me last night that he didn't understand why some things were so important but after reading the questions, he now realises how important it is to me for me to be able to move on and to fix the broken pieces again.

I need all the answers now, before I start piecing them together cos I really dont think I can piece anything else that comes up a year down the line again.

I told him I need honesty, and some of that might hurt me, might make me feel sad ... but I need all of rock bottom before I climb back up to the top.

Does that make sense? ?

sad .....

ive just read ur profile. Our storys are nearly the same. so sorry ur going thru this too.

I will pm u soon as I am on phone atm. xx

My husband and I have communicated quite a lot in writing - we have found that it has meant that we can think about what we want to say and how we want to say it rather than getting upset or flustered face to face. We have talked face to face as well but our most productive discussions have been on email.

I couldn't decide whether I wanted full details of his one night stand but when I said that I did, he wrote it all out for me and then if I wanted to stop reading at any point then I could do, I then asked a few more questions afterwards face to face and he answered them as well.

So I think it is a very good idea to have given him your list of questions, it will be absolutely devastating to read the answers but at least then you will know - for me the worst thing was that I didn't know and imagined it to be way more 'exotic' than it actually was - I assumed she would have done all the things that I wouldn't and that it would have been the best sex of his life so for me it put my mind at ease a bit as I was imagining the worst. I am not sure how I would have dealt with it if it HAD been everything I had been imagining but I was thinking it anyway so nothing lost really.

Good luck and I hope you are glad you have had the answers from him.

[This message edited by chick at 5:11 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Yes Chick,

I think its all down to the imagination isn't it. I always imagine the worst.

We have talked face to face and yes your right, he said it was easier to write it down because as you say, face to face sometimes gets mixed up, he has to think about his answers now, and also ..... he ant see the hurt in my eyes, that's what kills him each time!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the hurt in my eyes.....yes.....that is their excuse for TT'ing. I begged my WS for the truth and it took a lot of investigating and many many months before he told me everything - and even now I'm not sure I know it all. I have some conflicting stories but there is no way I can either prove or disprove. Be prepared to learn more. I'm sorry to say but they are in "survival mode" right now - some call it the "FOG". They are afraid to tell the truth for so many reasons. 1. - the additional pain they will cause you - 2. - more lies will be uncovered - 3. - what will you do? (Kick them out - refuse to R?)
Don't want to rain on your parade, but IMHO I doubt if you'll get the full story for quite a while. I had my WS read Joseph's story - thought I had gotten through to him so many times, but I only got the truth out of him when I had him cornered. I know he is sorry, remorseful and trying so very hard to make up for all the wrong that he did, but he just couldn't tell me the truth because he was afraid of what the consequences might be even when I told him the details didn't matter as much as the fact that I couldn't take the continual lying. Didn't matter - he just couldn't bring himself to tell the truth.
All I'm saying is "be prepared" - I doubt that you are going to get the truth for quite a while and it doesn't mean that they don't love you - they are broken and just don't know how to do it.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:13 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

I am prepared for more, this is why I asked all those questions!

If he doesn't answer them all honestly, I will walk.

I told him I would stand by him and help him thru all his stuff for childhood etc, I told him I wont leave him, I just need it all out in the open.

At what point do I say ....

Ok, I believe u have told me all ....

No one, not ONE person in here can say that, so yes im preparing for the worst.

That's all ive left to do...

At what point do I say ....

Ok, I believe u have told me all ....

That's a difficult one because when your trust has been shattered how do you know - but when my husband told me everything I wanted to know I believed everything he said because he didn't try to make excuses, he didn't try to blame alcohol, he didn't try not to answer any of the questions and he told me some things that were very very hard for me to hear so I felt that if he was lying then he would have sugar coated and not given some of the most hurtful details.

I wish it was possible to say how you will definitely know whether he is being honest or otherwise but I suppose you just have to trust your gut feeling and stick to it.

Good luck

Thanks, he is finishing off his questions tonight ....

I guess tomorrow is gonna be a hard day for me