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Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: Was I wrong to tell the Spouse of Wh OP?
♀ 37672
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have contacted the other spouse to a woman who has been in my husband's life for 6 years. I think I caught her sending out a fishing pole which means they likely have had no contact in a while. Still, she knew how to find him and contact him so for sure she knows him. The OP BS is obviously angry, but he is angry with me. I think he is feeling protective toward his wife. I'm sure she lied and did the poor me act. Anyway, I guess I just want to know...would YOU have welcomed information if you had no idea of your spouse's infidelity?

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, 1000 times, yes.

He's probably in his own first stage of denial, things will fall into place, you did the right thing.

The BS then has to start working backwards, trying to work out what they missed.... the clues that passed them by, the things they didn't realize.... it's a painful process.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 2:50 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I told the OBS in my situation. At first he was defensive. Try to remember, you're giving news that no one wants to believe. It's life altering, as you know. I, like others, had to prove that I was telling the truth, as OW had given a very different story about who my husband was. She was lying, and I was able to prove that.

OK, so I told him. He was defensive, but as soon as he accepted the truth, he was very thankful. She was using him, and he tried R. She did it again, and then a 3rd time, this time with it going physical. He caught her at OMs house. He told me he never would have even suspected her and she would have gotten away with all of it.

You did the right thing. There is only one case I've read about where the OBS remains angry with the person that told him, and that's because he liked keeping his head in the sand. My guess is this OBS will soon thank you for giving him the truth about his life - something his wife didn't deem necessary.

And again - I absolutely would want to know. That is why I contacted him - because if he had discovered this, I would have wanted him to contact me.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, as painful as it was to discover my WH's cheating, I would want to know.

I too told the OW's BSO. He was shocked and thanked me for the information. However, after reading my WH's emails after false R, I found that she was able to gaslight him and convince him that I was crazy.

Regardless of the outcome, proving the betrayed spouse with information about their life is the right thing to do.

BS - Me, 45
ExWS - Husband, 47 SA dx in March 2013
T-25, M-21 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays / OWs since 1999
Most recent DDay 8-12
Divorcing separated Sept 2016

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ 37672
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel sick about it! But I would feel worse to know he gave his AP hiv then the innocent spouse gets it! WHAT A MESS!!! Please pray for me and the AP husband. I am so so so sad for him right now. He is in such denial.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is fairly common to blame the messenger when news like this comes. In the end, you did the right thing even if he has misplaced blame.

My step-DD called me to tell me her father was cheating, and with whom. At least I did not get angry with her, but I did deny it and say it was not possible, and made excuses for him. Later, I found out it was true. I know it had to be very hard for my step-DD to make that call to me because she is close to her father. She had good reasons to think it was better that I knew and she did the right thing.

Posts: 6792 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES YES YES YES. You did the right thing.

The OBS in my situation knew for two years and didn't tell me. It allowed the waywards to continue an EA and continue the emotional abuse to us both. He thought he was protecting when he just prolonged agony.

You did good.

ME: BS late 40's
Him: WH late 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 28 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 423 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You gave him the gift of the truth. One day he will realize that.

If you have any logs,texts,emails,pics,etc,offer to send him a copy of everything.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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