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going through a million emotions the past few weeks and especially as time nears the actual day my world was rocked and I was brought to my knees in pain. You never really ever get over it, do you? I sill want to know why and so wish it never had happened. I do not feel as close to him as used to before all this and I worry that I never will.

(((CantacceptThis)))

I completely understand. I'm at my one year antiversary too.

An end of sports season party is scheduled for Thursday - can't help but trigger back to last year - crying and text fighting with WH from the parking lot.

Infidelity sucks. I keep telling myself 2-5 years to recover but I will get through this and you will too!

I can sympathize with you. I just had my 1yr anniversary of DDay#1 a couple weeks ago. Everyone keeps saying that life gets easier but I have to admit, as DDay1 anniversary drew near I was getting more and more emotional and started having nightmares of my WW with OMen. Still have trouble keeping tears from my eyes. The tears that I have these days, however, are more from my fear of never being able to trust her again.

At this point, I fear that I no longer love her because as time goes by I have this growing feeling that physical intimacy is becoming more of a chore like washing dishes or doing the laundry - its not enjoyable but it has to get done.

Unless something stupendous happens soon, I fear divorce is just around the corner.

Today was my 1year. Thought it was going to be an awful day but I decided when I woke up I was taking this day back. I refuse to allow this to control specific days as a constant reminder. I had a really good day. H asked me several times if I was doing ok. You have the power to take back your life. You have to fight through the pain. Good luck & take care of you. There will be better days ahead if you believe.

I felt so good on my dday-anniversary

however I have been a bit funny the past couple of weeks and atm whilst nowhere as bad as I was this time last year, I'm very anxious and I've started crying again. Incessant questioning over the smallest things etc etc

BUT, I know I will pull out of the funk soon! It will get better, I believe it! Our relationship is farrr better than last year (wouldn't be hard) .

I think give yourself a break. Infidelity is so hard that you will feel like this every so often. I would even say it's 'normal' and would be rugsweeping in a way not going through this part.

You never really ever get over it, do you?

Nope, I don't believe we get over it. I think it's like a death - we learn to live with it over time. It never goes away, but over time it hurts less and becomes easier to deal with.

I do not feel as close to him as used to before all this and I worry that I never will.

I feel the same way - this experience has damaged my love for my fWH and my opinion of him as a person too. I trust and believe that over time, IF he works hard at dealing with his issues and at R, then that love will grow back and I will learn to respect him again. But I am being very honest with him about how I feel now and he accepts that. I've also realised that you can't rush this thing, it will happen over time if his actions prove he is worthy of it. Just my opinion.

Having read a lot on SI and also from personal experience, I believe the 1st antiversary is by far the most difficult.

Transitioning from year 1 to year 2 was so hard for me... In my experience, the shock and white-hot, raw pain was passing, but the reality that this "thing" is with you and will always be with you was slowly sinking in and that was really hard to take in. Also, the hysterical bonding was over, so that fun and release was diminishing somewhat. And then, my fWH had been alternately really good at R and also really, really bad, so I was having to accept that we were never going to be the "Perfect Reconciling Couple" I had to accept that we were both going to stuff-up at R, often!

So all in all reality was setting in at the time of the antiversary. In the time that the antiversary was approaching I had reason to look back over the year and evaluate - all the bitterness, pain and anger welled up. I was not in a good place.

Year 2 is not an easy year in my experience, and I gather I am not alone in this. So the 1st antiversary kind of straddles the hideousness that is Year 1 and the difficulty that we face in Year 2.... It's not a nice place to be!

BUT I believe there is hope when we look to the future. I am trusting that, once year 2 is over, things should start looking up (provided of course we do the necessary work!) I really hope that the 2nd antiversary will be easier. I believe it will be, as by then I will be reaching the end of the difficult 2nd year and should be in a better place... Here's hoping!

Sending you {hugs}

My D-Day antiversary was last Thursday. I was dreading it as well, but it turned out to be a pretty good day all things considered. My WS knew that I was very apprehensive about it and handled it quite well. We went away for a couple of days and that morning I woke up to him holding me tight and not letting me go for quite a long time. We then had a nice breakfast and headed out to play golf. After that, we had a nice dinner and ended the day the way it started - cuddling in bed. So the day that I was dreading turned out to be a little better than okay. Mind you, 2 days later, I was sobbing like a baby but again my WS was holding me and comforting me. I think that a lot of it will depend on your WS - tell him how scared you are - if you know, tell him what you need him to do to make it better. I didn't know, but somehow my WS did and it worked out for me.
Good Luck and remember IMHO it will only be as bad as we let it. Maybe that's the day we "take it back and take control again".