You never really ever get over it, do you?
Nope, I don't believe we get over it. I think it's like a death - we learn to live with it over time. It never goes away, but over time it hurts less and becomes easier to deal with.
I do not feel as close to him as used to before all this and I worry that I never will.
I feel the same way - this experience has damaged my love for my fWH and my opinion of him as a person too. I trust and believe that over time, IF he works hard at dealing with his issues and at R, then that love will grow back and I will learn to respect him again. But I am being very honest with him about how I feel now and he accepts that. I've also realised that you can't rush this thing, it will happen over time if his actions prove he is worthy of it. Just my opinion.
Having read a lot on SI and also from personal experience, I believe the 1st antiversary is by far the most difficult.
Transitioning from year 1 to year 2 was so hard for me... In my experience, the shock and white-hot, raw pain was passing, but the reality that this "thing" is with you and will always be with you was slowly sinking in and that was really hard to take in. Also, the hysterical bonding was over, so that fun and release was diminishing somewhat. And then, my fWH had been alternately really good at R and also really, really bad, so I was having to accept that we were never going to be the "Perfect Reconciling Couple" I had to accept that we were both going to stuff-up at R, often!
So all in all reality was setting in at the time of the antiversary. In the time that the antiversary was approaching I had reason to look back over the year and evaluate - all the bitterness, pain and anger welled up. I was not in a good place.
Year 2 is not an easy year in my experience, and I gather I am not alone in this. So the 1st antiversary kind of straddles the hideousness that is Year 1 and the difficulty that we face in Year 2.... It's not a nice place to be!
BUT I believe there is hope when we look to the future. I am trusting that, once year 2 is over, things should start looking up (provided of course we do the necessary work!) I really hope that the 2nd antiversary will be easier. I believe it will be, as by then I will be reaching the end of the difficult 2nd year and should be in a better place... Here's hoping!
Sending you {hugs}