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rachelc posted 10/22/2013 16:22 PM

Iím so negative. There is just no way I can do this. A few have posted about Retrouvaille and a year ago I would have been all over that. Now, I just think, but I donít want to work at this. Iím too damn tired. Heís good in bed, weíre connecting now and makes a lot of money. Can that be enough?

I canít tell him I think about divorce every day. That I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with another man. That if I see either OW one more time Iíll get on the next plane out of here. That 20 years of positive stuff will never outweigh all the lies, blameshifting and gaslighting. How do you forgive someone who abuses you that way? And then does it again.

The problem is me, not him. It rests solely on a choice I cannot seem to make. I canít jump off the ledge in any direction. I fight recovery, and all the things that I would have to do to get there: forgiveness, trust, personal fucking growth. Yet limbo has got to be the worst.

thanks for listening....

Rebreather posted 10/22/2013 18:36 PM

Hugs honey. It's hard.

Could be the plain of lethal flatness.

swizzlestick03 posted 10/22/2013 18:40 PM

One day at a time.

Remember, I'm sure he likely struggles with the same thoughts at times too, which makes the situation doubly complicated.

FWIW, we did Retrouvaille 3 years ago in January. It was the best thing we did.

sisoon posted 10/22/2013 18:47 PM

Gently, what's your rush?

You're tired. To me, that means you need to rest. If you had a deadline, maybe you'd have to push on through, but in all probability you've got decades of life left. Resting now may actually speed up your recovery and R.

Let yourself be, rache. Take it easy and breathe for a while.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:47 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

foundoutlater posted 10/22/2013 18:52 PM

^^^ what sisoon said x10.

Give yourself a break. It's ok to not jump right now. Don't push yourself off a ledge in either direction. With time you will find a ladder.

ItsaClimb posted 10/23/2013 03:13 AM

I've been following your posts because we seemed to be in very much the same place. Today (after a HECTIC IC session yesterday and a heart-to-heart with fWH) I seem to be bouncing back a little.

Something that helped me is the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Have you read it? I wouldn't say it gave me a clear answer, but it definitely gave me food for thought and made things clearer somehow. It's not a "heavy" read, very user-friendly. Just a thought.

But also, maybe you do need a break from it all. Maybe you need to just put all the Infidelity stuff on the back-burner for a while and give your mind and emotions a break. It is soooo draining!!

{hugs}

devasted30 posted 10/23/2013 06:31 AM

(((((((HUGS)))))))

rachelc posted 10/23/2013 07:31 AM

thank you everyone! I feel better today.

I have read that book. I may dig it out again!

I am going to IC on Friday after MC on Thursday and then maybe will take a break from IC. She is urging me to make a decision anyway.... and I need time away from that..
thank you!!

sisoon posted 10/23/2013 11:16 AM

She is urging me to make a decision anyway.... and I need time away from that

I get it. If you decide to take a break, you'll be happy. And that's a decision, so your IC'll be happy, too....

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