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Reconciliation :
negativity

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 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

I’m so negative. There is just no way I can do this. A few have posted about Retrouvaille and a year ago I would have been all over that. Now, I just think, but I don’t want to work at this. I’m too damn tired. He’s good in bed, we’re connecting now and makes a lot of money. Can that be enough?

I can’t tell him I think about divorce every day. That I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with another man. That if I see either OW one more time I’ll get on the next plane out of here. That 20 years of positive stuff will never outweigh all the lies, blameshifting and gaslighting. How do you forgive someone who abuses you that way? And then does it again.

The problem is me, not him. It rests solely on a choice I cannot seem to make. I can’t jump off the ledge in any direction. I fight recovery, and all the things that I would have to do to get there: forgiveness, trust, personal fucking growth. Yet limbo has got to be the worst.

thanks for listening....

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6533391
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Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 12:36 AM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

Hugs honey. It's hard.

Could be the plain of lethal flatness.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8016   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 6533548
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swizzlestick03 ( member #30102) posted at 12:40 AM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

One day at a time.

Remember, I'm sure he likely struggles with the same thoughts at times too, which makes the situation doubly complicated.

FWIW, we did Retrouvaille 3 years ago in January. It was the best thing we did.

Me: BW-36
Him: WS-35
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2010
id 6533553
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 12:47 AM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

Gently, what's your rush?

You're tired. To me, that means you need to rest. If you had a deadline, maybe you'd have to push on through, but in all probability you've got decades of life left. Resting now may actually speed up your recovery and R.

Let yourself be, rache. Take it easy and breathe for a while.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:47 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6533573
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foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 12:52 AM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

^^^ what sisoon said x10.

Give yourself a break. It's ok to not jump right now. Don't push yourself off a ledge in either direction. With time you will find a ladder.

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1409   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 6533580
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ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 9:13 AM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

I've been following your posts because we seemed to be in very much the same place. Today (after a HECTIC IC session yesterday and a heart-to-heart with fWH) I seem to be bouncing back a little.

Something that helped me is the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Have you read it? I wouldn't say it gave me a clear answer, but it definitely gave me food for thought and made things clearer somehow. It's not a "heavy" read, very user-friendly. Just a thought.

But also, maybe you do need a break from it all. Maybe you need to just put all the Infidelity stuff on the back-burner for a while and give your mind and emotions a break. It is soooo draining!!

{hugs}

BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2012
id 6533883
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devasted30 ( member #39439) posted at 12:31 PM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

(((((((HUGS)))))))

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6533942
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 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 1:31 PM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

thank you everyone! I feel better today.

I have read that book. I may dig it out again!

I am going to IC on Friday after MC on Thursday and then maybe will take a break from IC. She is urging me to make a decision anyway.... and I need time away from that..

thank you!!

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6533982
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

She is urging me to make a decision anyway.... and I need time away from that

I get it. If you decide to take a break, you'll be happy. And that's a decision, so your IC'll be happy, too....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6534223
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