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stupidgurl posted 10/22/2013 16:34 PM

So I was reading MSN news today and there was an article talking about the new signs of domestic abuse campaign. Well I was sad to see that a lot of my H and my actions/behaviors are on there.

The 5 signs are that your partner is: isolating you from friends and family, keeping tabs on you, peer pressuring you, finding fault in everything you do, humiliating you.

keeping tabs- I read my H's emails, to see what is going on because he never tells me about stuff, it is always "[subject] is fine," but if I read his email I find out the real details. Plus since his EA I have not trusted him or what he says to my face anymore. We both read each others texts, I don't care though I have NOTHING to hide anymore nor am i bothered that he looks.

He has humiliated me on several occasions in front of others,by flirting with other women in front of me and others, calling me names, or having a laugh at my expense. No lie, one time we were having lunch with my brother and his wife and he says "SG had an abortion." with no prompting and for no reason, he laughed and my brother and his wife were like "ok thanks for the info?" I have never had an abortion he just likes to make me feel like shit.

I have told him I don't want him hanging out with certain people, like OW who was a mutual friend to us, or his sil who always excludes me and only contacts him. He on the other hand did not like my older sis, so I could not really see her anymore. He doesn't like my little sister too, but I won't budge on that, cuz I practically raised her. I will see her less but not that much less.

He had always pressured me into watching porn with him and I would get into it with him until I would find out he watched it alone, then i would toss it, or just get guilty and toss it (I dont want to be a perv). I would pressure him into going to family and friend events with me. He would go sometimes and sometimes not.

While I don't humiliate him the way he does me, I do often find a way to find fault in his choices and actions. When he pisses me off I attack his character for it. I need to work on that bad habit of berating for poor choices.

We have had smack downs, he has manhandled me and I have smacked him on the back of the head for stupid stuff, but we never physically abused each other. Well... when he found out about my PA he looked at his hand, then looked at me, then put the two together. And I threw a book at him when I found porn the very first time. BUT We respect each other physically as far as serious abuse goes.

I don't really feel like we are abusing each other, but a lot of the issues left over from A's cause what they have labeled as abusive behavior and I don't really feel like it is accurate to call us abusive, just ass holes.

stupidgurl posted 10/22/2013 16:37 PM

Scratch that, not just ass holes, some are just trying to find the truth and get their loved one to act right.

confused615 posted 10/22/2013 16:50 PM

The smacking around is abusive.

An affair is abusive...extreme abuse. If it's physical,then you have put your spouse's health and life at risk. Gaslighting,lying,etc are emotionally abusive. hell,the whole entire thing..is abusive. So,actually,we have all been in an abusive marriage. Some of us..those still being gaslighted...or in a false R..are still in abusive marriages.

I think the article you read made some good points. but I think infidelity changes everything. I think it's ok to expect the WS..and the BS to cut off friends who are not FOM. And a lot of the behavior you have mentioned sounds incredibly disrespectful..and some of it sounds abusive. Humiliating each other, hitting,flirting with other people,etc..that's abusive.

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 18:41 PM

with respect, this sounds like a very dysfunctional and yes, abusive, relationship. I'm sorry - I can tell that you feel at this point what you wrote is normal, but it really isn't. You are supposed to be an improvement to your spouse's life, and them to yours. You two seem to enjoy dragging each other down.

Have you thought of going to a marriage counselor?

karmahappens posted 10/22/2013 19:35 PM

We respect each other physically as far as serious abuse goes

Abuse is abuse.

You have to learn to love youself.

Please get some help.

stupidgurl posted 10/22/2013 20:29 PM

Thanks for your insight guys.

You are right, I never saw things as abusive but I think that was more so because my dad used to beat up my mom and leave her all bruised up, so in my mind if we weren't beating the tar out of each other like that it was not abuse. We don't even smack now, and have not since our mid twenties when he got the cops called on him and they told us that if he even just grabs my arm too hard I could call them.

I think the problem is that we never learned to love right, his parents were divorced and all he saw was his dad spewing hate for his mom. And my parents were always fighting.

Does anyone have any book recommendations on how to behave in a relationship and how to treat each other?

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/22/2013 21:29 PM

My BH and I had an unconventional M. In subtle ways, I think we've been abusing each other for years. Our FOOs were cakewalks next to y'all's, but we both had some childhood trauma that affected us deeply. Our therapist (we see her separately for IC) said something really cool to me a few sessions back. She said, maybe you chose to M your BH because he could help you when you really needed him. Which is now, when I'm finally ready to heal. After I put him through the fucking wringer.

A book that dramatically changed our interactions, it isn't specifically a M/relationship book, but I cannot highly enough recommend Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg. It's basically an empathy primer. Just, wow.

Have you read The Five Love Languages? That's a good general-purpose "care and feeding of your M" book.

Oooh, and another good one for you two, which deals with how our adult romantic relationships are formed by our FOO, is How We Love: Discover Your Love Style... by Milan.

stupidgurl posted 10/23/2013 15:24 PM

Thanks 20Wrongs, I will definitely check those books out, especially the non violent one because I have to admit that some of the things he's done make me wanna give him one right in the kisser, but I never have and never will but it would be nice to figure out what to do with this anger in me that I have for him.

And funny enough we own the 5 love languages book and every time I am like "lets read it again" he is like "no, lets find a new book!" he is sick of it and never really cared for it in the first place. We got it from a Pastor so thats why he doesn't care for it.

heartache101 posted 10/23/2013 15:30 PM

Someone that loves you wont use you as the butt of the joke or humiliate you! They woukd lnock down that person that was hurting you like that! I am sorry but thus relationship you are in is toxic. Either get help now or get out.