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Tforde posted 10/22/2013 17:12 PM

Lately my wife has been acting strange, she has been working more than normal, disappearing for hours at a time. And texting more than normal. There have been a few times I have walked in the room were she would immediately switch her SMS to a different app. Then today she left her email account logged in and I noticed that she installed a new chat software on her phone with a web component. I clicked on the link and it opened her account to this.


Wife: Whatcha up to today?

John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

Wife: Xoxoxo :)

Wife: Have a good morning. Almost back from Lawrencetown office so back into meeting. Text u at break xoxoxoxo

John: Ok xoxooxoxoxo

Wife: Hey again. Miss me yet? :):):):)

John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)

Wife: Oh my yes we could have. So much fun my dear :):):)

To me this is a evidence of an affair, she just sees at being friendly. I don't think it is right for your spouse to talk to another man like this.

What do you think?

fourever posted 10/22/2013 17:20 PM

Yes, Affair. Either in motion or just beginning.
Begin reading the healing library to the left in yellow box.
We are here to guide, so ask any questions.
I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Blobette posted 10/22/2013 17:24 PM

You are absolutely right and your wife is trying to gaslight you. If her interactions with this person are so innocent, she should be happy to open up her computer, phone, etc to you. After all, she's got nothing to hide?

Please, please read through the Healing Library (yellow box in the upper left of the screen) as well as some of the bulleted posts for newbies -- "Tactical Primer". Lots of good advice.

Go with your gut. However, it may be that confronting her too early may backfire. In fact, now that she knows you're alerted, she may be extra-careful. I'm sure some here will advise you to gather proof positive before you confront her.

Good luck. So sorry you're here -- but if you're in this awful situation, this is the very, very best place to be. Lots of wisdom and support.

jjct posted 10/22/2013 18:05 PM

Do you know who "John" is?
If he's M - tell his wife.

I regularly advise 'going dark' - pretending that her explanation is enough, and you're not on the scent, while quietly gathering evidence.
Sounds like an ongoing PA to me. You'd be safe to assume that in any case, safer for you. (and don't have sex with her right now)
Can you hire a PI?

Shockleader posted 10/22/2013 18:29 PM

One trillion percent sure it's an affair of some sort... XoXoXoXo from both of them, plus all the chatter of great times equals affair, most likely PA.

As said, mega gas lighting... Ask her why is she sending hugs and kisses to someone else??? Don't bother, you will get more lies. So true about never naming how you find out anything, EVER! Sorry you are here, and I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Tforde posted 10/22/2013 18:46 PM

I already told her I knew and she thinks she did nothing wrong. She feels that talking to him this way is just being friendly, that she talks to her female friends this way. When I tried to explain to her the difference is that he was a man, she just circled back to that they were just friends. So I think I have no other choice but to file for divorce her denial just shows me that she truly does not care.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/22/2013 18:48 PM

Dude, sorry you are here.

I found out almost the same way. I took the phone and checked her emails, discovered hundreds of emails between them.

I don't know if you have access but get into her computer and get access to her emails before she can delete everything, if she hasn't already. Check the trash boxes and sent emails (my wife had forgotten to clear those, which lead me to the secret account).

But yes, this is an affair. So even if you don't find more. You don't really need it. Find out who John is and reach out to his wife.

You are absolutely right and your wife is trying to gaslight you. If her interactions with this person are so innocent, she should be happy to open up her computer, phone, etc to you. After all, she's got nothing to hide?

This. Demand her phone. If she refuses, you have even more confirmation.

sailorgirl posted 10/22/2013 21:38 PM

Classic affair behavior and language. Right down to the "Miss me yet?" line and the "just friends" lie.

I'm truly sorry. Infidelity sucks, and here at SI, we know.

I would suggest seeing an attorney. If there's any chance of R, she has to wake up, and nothing says "Reality's calling" like divorce papers.

stronger08 posted 10/23/2013 05:24 AM

Bro, she has been caught and is now trying to justify her behavior. Don't fall for that one. What she is doing is cultivating an eventual PA. Take a hard stance now or face a ton of problems later. The 2 of them are pouring gallons of gasoline on your M. They are just waiting for the opportunity to toss a match and burn the fucker down. I suggest you take action before that happens. And BTW she is having an A. An EA, but an A none the less. Good luck my man.

shiloe posted 10/23/2013 07:51 AM

Chances are good they will take it underground to get you off their trail.

Is 'John' married? Tell his wife.

toomanyregrets posted 10/23/2013 08:10 AM

I'm sorry your here.

"Just Friends"?

I doubt it.
Not from what you posted.

File, you can always stop it if your WW wises up.

Bigger posted 10/23/2013 08:27 AM

Thorde,

I think SI is a great resource BUT one area I think we tend to fail in is when posters come here asking if certain behavior confirms an affair. I think that we tend to be overtly-eager to see any questionable act as clear indication for infidelity.
In your scenario – based on the messaging you posted – I have no qualms about posting that I think your wife is having an affair. I am also strongly inclined to think it’s physical.

Let’s analyze some of the text.

The following texts are inappropriate but might be excused as office banter:
Wife: Hey again. Miss me yet? :):):):)
John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)

The following are blatant sexual innuendo, indicating this is already a physical affair:
John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good
John: Yes i do miss u just thinking of the fun that we could of had down there :)
Wife: Oh my yes we could have. So much fun my dear :):):)
[Taken in the context it is in this is very sexual]
Wife: Xoxoxo :) [LOL or LMAO or () would be banter – hugs and kisses… NO – crosses the line from banter to sexual innuendo]

OK – So unless she can convince you otherwise then simply ASSUME it’s an affair. And act accordingly.
Now – One of the things we BS tend to misunderstand is the concept of “proof”.
If infidelity factors at ALL in a divorce and if you are headed towards divorce then proof has a significant role. In that case you need a confession or legal-level proof. You know – glossy photo’s, hotel receipts and all that. This is best left to a PI because he will know how to make sure the evidence is fit for court.
If however infidelity does NOT factor (and frankly it more or less never does) then all you need is to convince YOURSELF. That’s the level of “proof” you need: Enough that YOU are convinced its infidelity.
You don’t have to prove to her that she’s cheating. You don’t need to catch them in the act. You only need to be convinced yourself. Yes – she will counter, but frankly I can’t see that in ANY world the above text would be “normal office banter”.
I do recommend you do more – that you get more evidence. Not to convince yourself because you already KNOW the truth. Its more to have aid in convincing the right people because if you want the affair to end you WILL need to convince some other people.

Since you confronter her with what you have (and that’s fine) the affair will go underground. They might cool it off for some time. But it won’t end. The admins ask that we don’t post specific ways to gather proof here in the open but I think it’s OK for me to give you one clue: They need to communicate and using chat won’t be enough. They will communicate in an environment where they are alone and feel safe in. It’s highly unlikely that it’s the office (people want to avoid the gossip) so it will be lunch-hours, after work and the commute. You don’t need a rich imagination to think of ways to hear what goes on in the commute or whether she is where she says she is (or should be).

betrayedme2 posted 10/23/2013 09:15 AM

Bigger has said it. Sorry Tforde! It'll go underground. Eye's open. Demand access to phone and access to everything...phone, computer, all email accounts, Facebook, Myspace, any and all social media, including business related ones. Everything in a marriage should be an open book. Credit cards, bank accounts, everything! To make sure there are no secret credit cards have her run a free credit report with you watching. If she says no or refuses to any of these.....you know. You already know in your gut, it's just hard to really believe it's happening. Even when confronted with the cold hard truth I didn't want to believe it. I wanted it to be a dream/nightmare and that I'd wake up. You're in the early stage, the more you confront, the more it'll be hidden. Eyes and ears open. If it smells rotten, it's rotten.

Sorry friend. It sucks!

Blobette posted 10/23/2013 09:25 AM

After being on this site a while, I'm convinced that people start out wanting proof because they want the WS to admit what they're doing. But the critical thing about proof is to convince YOURSELF that you are not divorcing or "over-reacting" based on some lunatic idea, but because your spouse did something really, really shitty. This is especially important when your spouse does the innocent "just friends" thing. You need proof to hang onto, to bolster you as you go through this incredibly difficult thing. I know many of us feel like we're debasing ourselves by doing this, by getting keyloggers etc, but... your spouse is playing dirty, time to get your own hands dirty.

SoVerySadNow posted 10/23/2013 10:14 AM

Proof is for us- because we can't get our trusting heads around infidelity. They gaslight us and gathering proof is how we bring ourselves back to reality and gather strength. Sometimes gaining that strength takes awhile.

Bigger is right. I always read his posts. I think it's a PA too: "I want you", "thinking of the fun we could have had" smacks of already tasted of the apple.

It sucks. Sorry.

ascian posted 10/23/2013 10:17 AM

Absolutely, Blobette, thank you for bringing that up.

And Tforde, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Those messages read a lot like the first ones I saw between my WW and the OM. Nothing explicit (they saved those for comments in documents on Google Drive), but a lot of wistfulness and playfulness that set off alarms for me.

dontknowwhyme posted 10/23/2013 11:06 AM

John: Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

Does anyone understand this statement? What does "I want you gimpy" mean?

dontknowwhyme posted 10/23/2013 11:09 AM

Or is it two thoughts broken up like this

1.Just trying to organize stuff on computer

2.(I'm) A mess and I want u, gimpy or not, so be good

ascian posted 10/23/2013 11:46 AM

Yep, that's it. Two thoughts in one text line.

Bigger posted 10/23/2013 12:11 PM

“Gimpy” can be urban slang for a retarded slow or backward person or it can be someone feeling physically not fit (limp, sore muscles etc).

Just trying to organize stuff on computer a mess and i want u gimpy or not so be good

If this was the only sentence we had from the conversation I would try not to see an affair in that sentence. I could rewrite it:

Doing some mundane boring work that is driving me crazy and I want to meet you so be considerate to me if I’m in a bad mood/off when we meet.

However…

Reading it in the context of all the other texts:

Doing some mundane boring work that is driving me crazy and I want to have sex with you even if my mood would put you off so be nice to me.

One thing you definately do is get some info on the OM.
What is his work-relationship with your wife? Same level in the hierarchy? Same location? Same department? These factor impact how we will advise you to move on. Plus is he married? A big big issue.

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