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"Punished" for lack of trust

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throughthetunnel posted 10/22/2013 17:15 PM

My spouse cheated on me emotionally with over 40 people from Aug to Dec of last year at which point I found out. Two of those became physical relationships. I was planning to divorce but did not. I still love my spouse and I truly feel it is very beneficial for children to have their mom and dad in the home with them. We had been trying to conceive a child during that time and I discovered I was pregnant ten days after kicking him out with our child (first biological).

He moved back in because our adopted child could not handle him being gone after 2.5 months. We lived in different bedrooms. Eventually I felt like we could perhaps work our marriage out.

Since having my baby my anxiety has been through the roof with some good days and some bad. I realized I do not trust him at all still and I occasionally show that. Last night was one of those times. I was told today, "Why stay married if you dont trust me?!" And later, "I cant keep doing this. I am trying my hardest." I do not feel it is fair to tell me I cannot express distrust (which I do nicely and calmly). I am incredibly frustrated because I was told something similar a month ago in addition to being told, "I should just cheat since you think I am."

He keeps making it seem like I am the one with an unreasonable issue yet I feel like it is COMPLETELY reasonable. This is not something I can just get over or even show a trusting attitude 24/7 about.

:( Any advice would be appreciated. At this point I am feeling a lot of anger.

[This message edited by throughthetunnel at 9:51 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

jjct posted 10/22/2013 17:36 PM

I think the biggest element of successful R (reconciliation) is remorse.

You are not getting that - and it's why you're angry - normal.

EA with 40 people ! and PA with (at least) 2 !! - and he's kvetching about your lack of trust?

Ummm no.
Have you read up on the 180 in the healing library?
It's all about taking care of you.
Re: staying in the M for the kids' sake :
better to be from a broken home than in one.

Read this too:

jjct posted 10/22/2013 17:38 PM

Here's the 180:

& read the threads with the target icons in JFO. They contain more specifics.
Keep posting. We got your back.

Simple posted 10/22/2013 17:45 PM

From someone who's xWH had multiple PAs and EAs, porn, online, etc. I can tell you that he's on a manipulative tactic. What you have explained about him saying "you should cheat too" or "why stay married if you don't trust me", yea, happened to me too. Stay strong, and sometimes that means not taking that crap. Would you like your kids to think that taking crap like that is a good thing? Our kids learn from us how to be in a relationship. In cases of A, we either show our kids we lower our expectations or we show them that we're worth it and that we respect ourselves.

Just a thought of what my mind was going through during those times like yours and I hope that helps.

Hugs your way.

throughthetunnel posted 10/22/2013 17:46 PM

There wast the emotio of remorse shown but now it is more of a facthe tells people. I almost lost my familywhenI cheated. Then, when I make a comment about something that seems suspicious the above is what I get.

throughthetunnel posted 10/22/2013 17:47 PM

He was not telling me to cheat he was saying he should since I still suspected he was

headdesk posted 10/22/2013 17:53 PM

Also, if your gut is telling you stuff, don't discount that either. Sorry you're having this grief.

Take2 posted 10/22/2013 18:07 PM

Unfortunately he is choosing words that WS use - when they are actively cheating, rationalizing and trying to get you to back off... That isn't remorse - shields up - eyes open. ((throughthetunnel))

Blobette posted 10/22/2013 18:17 PM

Frankly, he sounds cruel and abusive. What is in it (the relationship) for you? He has some nerve accusing you of trust issues when he's the one cheating! I hope you can see how messed up it is that you even consider that he might have a point. You could only take such a comment seriously if you've been beaten into the ground emotionally.

throughthetunnel posted 10/22/2013 19:23 PM

He is exceptionally talented at being dramatic. I roll my eyes when I turn the other way.

What is in it for me? When we actually spend time together I enjoy it. I feel like he "gets me" and I do not feel that way about many due to be an introvert. He is a great Dad and I also enjoy help with the daily grind of parenthood.

But, I am not going to always hide my distrust so I do not think that this can work out unfortunately. I need reassurance not sarcasm or what are essentially threats to cheat or divorce. :(

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