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So angry, so hurt

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kra127 posted 10/22/2013 17:17 PM

I've been reading here for the about a week as I found out exactly two weeks ago that my husband had what I thought was an EA with a woman for the last two months. I had a nagging feeling something was going on but could never prove it until I checked our cell phone records online. He was texting her 30+times a day somedays and calling her while he was working. He has a cell phone he uses for work (that WE pay for) and apparently he was using that to communicate with her. I confronted my WS and of course he denied everything and said they were "just friends". I confronted the OW via text and told her to stop all communication with my WS. I now know I shouldn't have said anything to her but at the time I wasn't thinking straight. I left the house for a couple hours that night to clear my head, talk to a friend and keep myself from physically hurting my husband. We talked that evening and my WS minimized everything and turned it around on me and said he talked to this woman because I don't give him the attention he wants and I don't make him a priority. We talked sporatically the last two weeks and my WS vowed to work on our marriage and stop all contact with the OW. I went to IC last week to help me think through my options. I told my WS he needed to see a counselor which he agreed to but his appt isn't for another week. Today, he finally came clean and admitted he had sex with the OW and she contacted him yesterday via email to tell him she's positive for chlamydia. (She couldn't call him because I had blocked her phone number on his phone). They apparently had sex in a hotel room six weeks ago without a condom so now I have to go get checked for STD's. I'm shocked, I'm sad, I'm disappointed and so hurt. We have two children ages 5 and 7 and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have another appointment for IC on Thursday.

fourever posted 10/22/2013 17:25 PM

I'm so sorry. Breath, try to eat and stay hydrated.
When you are ready, begin to ask questions. We will walk you through.

woundedby2 posted 10/23/2013 00:35 AM

(((kra127)))

I'm so sorry about your situation. Please go right away and get checked for every STD possible.

my WS minimized everything and turned it around on me and said he talked to this woman because I don't give him the attention he wants and I don't make him a priority.

Please know that this is a load of crap, straight out of the WS handbook. Nothing you did or didn't do justifies his decision to enter into an affair with another woman. Don't let him guilt you with this.

I'm glad you are in IC. Continue to make yourself and your needs a top priority. You and the children are what's important.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 15:52 PM

Hugs to you (((kra))). We could be living the same life. My husband has been blaming me and giving me trickle truth as well. It was just an emotional affair. Found out yesterday it is sexual. I haven't had the STD scare, but I do have an appointment next week for a screen. I'm trying not to be stupid about it.

I'm so sorry you are here (any of us are here). Keep posting and talking. This site is quickly becoming my "stay sane" outlet. All I seem to do is cry and then become angry. I am trying to tell myself to eat, hydrate, sleep. I keep repeating to myself "this isn't my fault" It seems to help. (((hugs)))

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 17:09 PM

Welcome here, little sister...

It's perfectly normal to feel upset, frustrated and confused by all of this. The number one rule around here is to take care of yourself and your health so that you can be at your best for whatever the future brings.

Affairs happen when a partner refuses to deal with problems and their own internal insecurities. It is what makes the external validation so attractive which then leads down that slippery slope.
You may or may not have had issues in your marriage. WS's like to claim this because they do not want to be responsible for such assoholic choices. Even if there were, he should have been discussing them with you. Usually however, it is the spouse that contributes less to the marriage that takes on such selfish and destructive behaviour. Even if there were issues, having an affair is like burning down the house to fix a leaking pipe. In no way does that choice make good sense.

Your WH appears to be taking some positive steps forward for reconciling with cutting of contact, accepting counseling, and being truthful about the possible STD. There is still much for him to do as it requires him taking full responsibility for his choices (without blameshifting) and actively working on making amends to the marriage. All you can do at this point is to express your needs and boundaries, and look for consistency of his action over the long term.

Whatever happens though, if you can commit to your healing and be willing to look out for your needs and stand up against what you won't tolerate, you will move forward with your life. It's gonna be tough... it's gonna hurt like hell... and it's gonna take time and effort, but if you can value and respect and honour the person you are, you will be okay.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 17:25 PM

SerJR, your post is one of the reasons I come here. Reading that talked me down off a small ledge just now and gave me hope that no matter what happens in my marriage, I will be ok. And I deserve to be ok. Thank you.

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 17:32 PM

You're welcome Sammy

AlexFL posted 10/23/2013 20:09 PM

Word for word that's what my WS said to me. I do to make him a priority. I don't "see" him. I don't give him enough attention. I told him I could fly thru flaming hoops and that wouldn't be enough. He finally started using vocabulary stating that is all his fault. He takes all the blame. He is sorrow he has made me feel this way. But it's too late. We've been down this road a few times before. I'm so sad cause I love him but I need to respect and love myself more. It's horrible and I know its a long road.

kra127 posted 10/23/2013 22:42 PM

Thank you for all the support. This by far has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. I went for a full panel of STD testing today and will wait for results in a few days. My WS has been has been pressing me to make a decision about our marriage and after speaking to him tonight he now understands that I can't do that right now. While I am sad that so many other people are here and in my same situation, it's comforting to know that there are people to talk to through it all.

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