brknwmn, I feel your pain, truly. I just wrote a 3 page diatribe on why I'm just not good enough. i hate feeling this way. I hate knowing what I know. I hate knowing how much I lost when he cheated. I lost my confidence, my self esteem, my feeling that I could achieve anything What he left is a scared shell of a woman. Some days are better than others, and some seem half normal, but then there are days like today, where I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.
brknwmn, you are much more than you believe you are. Look at how you have analyzed where some of your issues stem from and you were able t get counseling at a young age to help. You are a great mother, I'm sure. How? Because you are already concerned with the image you are portraying for your child. Many women never realize the strong affect a mother has on a child. You not only realize it, but you want to be certain you are setting the best example. You are so far ahead of the curve there.
I wish I knew how to give you that break you want. I know that when I find some 'quiet' time, my mind really goes off. I can't even sleep without the TV on all night now. I can't be alone with my thoughts.
I'm sorry - you've reached out for help, and I rambled on about me. Well, I hope you realize you aren't alone, and you aren't the worthless person his cheating has made you feel like. You are a strong woman, a great mom, and you really learn from your experiences. You've decided to make this work - you aren't there out of fear. You made this decision, and staying is much harder than leaving imo.
Don't mistake that comment - I'm sure leaving is very difficult, but to stay? To give someone that has hurt you so deeply another shot? To allow them to stay in your life and to open your heart to them even after they have already shattered it? That takes amazing strength.
You be proud, brknwmn. You are amazing. You deserve happiness. You have so much value - much more than you realize. I hope you do realize even a small part of it soon. You're too good to be so down on yourself.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:49 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]