hugs to you....
i have felt the exact same way on many occasions. i think what has helped me after months and months of ic...is that i have told him clearly, looking at him dead in his eyes, without hesitation....whether it be in mc or one on one...that if he were to ever cross the line again...if he were to ever cross my boundary with regards to cheating in any fashion...that his decision to do so would be a lethal, and irrepairable to the marriage...and that i would divorce him without question.
i was pathetically weak with my h before, during, and even during the false r...just pathetic. that woman is dead. i have come to undertand and accept my value and my worth.
that has given me strength. when i have said this to him...not as a threat...but simply as a mere fact....the look in his eyes is different...a kind of "knowing" that i am not fucking around...and mean exactly what i say.
my h has cheated on me big time....more than once...and i found out about the whole dirty mess in one big heap....tt....lies....false r...the discovery of ow...you name it...all wrapped up into a horrific few years.
he does not get another chance. and i think loving and respecting myself enough to know that "i can do better than his ass" if this were to happen again....makes me feel strong.
soooo, i try to be happy. i try to move forward...and i try to make the m work....of course he is putting in the work too. but i work on trying my best to heal.
but in the back of my mind...i know that no matter what HE does, i will be okay. without him.
and eventually, i will move on and meet someone else.
i never thought i would look at my m like this..but after cheating....i would be a fool not to.
i dont believe in unicorns and rainbows anymore...life isnt like on tv. you have to have bitchboots to survive infedelity with some dignity.