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User Topic: Telling Other betrayed spouse = taking care of you
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read many threads on here about telling the AP's spouse/significant other about the affair. The main reasons given in favor of this seem to be 1) they deserve to know, wouldn't you like to know if you were them(and, you are them). And 2) to make certain the affair is exposed - affairs thrive in secrecy.

I do agree with these reasons. In addition, I feel like exposing the affair is an important act of self-care and self-love. What I mean by this is - our WS's chose to cheat, lie, deceive along with their AP's. It was not our choice or decision. I feel that in most cases, not telling the OBS what we know also taints us with some of WS's moral poison. Makes us an indirect party to the betrayal, even a facilitator. Who needs that guilt or bad feeling, on top of what our WS's have already dished out?

I know everyone has a different situation, and must make their own choice based on individual circumstance. I chose to tell, and I am so thankful that my conscience is clear. It's a small bright spot, that I did not lose my integrity because of what HE did.



Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 519 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't agree more -

Not choosing to be part of the dirty cover=up was good for my soul.

I really see no downside in telling. None. No even-ifs, no except fors, no unless xyz.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3646 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was truly difficult to do, though. I was shaking and crying when I talked to him, and almost threw up after. He did not want to talk to me, beyond confirming he knew about the affair. His choice. I am still glad I called him.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 519 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
WhiteCarrera
♂ 29126
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree completely.

I had been led to believe that the other spouse already knew (not the case, I later found out), and part of my reason for contacting his wife was to compare notes. I wanted to see if the "truth" that I had been told matched the "truth" that she had been told.

She was glad that I contacted her, and later we were able to compare notes. It absolutely put everything out in the open, and completely shut down any contact between our spouses once they knew there was open communication between his wife and me.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 4

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