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He has turned everything around on me.

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Jesss posted 10/22/2013 20:43 PM

[This message edited by Jesss at 8:53 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

painfulpast posted 10/22/2013 21:02 PM

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry you've learned the hard way that trying to make someone jealous can backfire significantly. Cheaters in particular are very sensitive to this. I think it's because they know how easy it is to end up in bed, or sending racy photos, or anything that is possible. Cheaters have a deep fear of being cheated on.

Further, now not only is he not speaking to you, but his coworker is also on the hook. Are you sure he's going to be ok? If your H is this upset, who knows what he will do.

Being cheated on is so frustrating and hurtful. Often, we want to show our WS how it feels to have someone in front of them - how hurtful it is. So now your H knows, but instead of being upset, he is lashing out in anger.

I had a therapist tell me - and I've since heard it elsewhere, that anger is a secondary emotion. It masks another emotion that we don't like or want to feel. So, someone scares you? You jump and scream, and then yell at them. Why? Because you felt vulnerable. Someone cuts you off in traffic. You take a deep breath, and then you start screaming at them. why? Because you were afraid, and you wanted to hide that fear.

Your H is insecure and afraid he'll lose you because of what he's done. He's afraid you'll have the kind of 'fun' he had. YOu basically pushed that in his face, and his reaction? To become angry, name call and abandon you. Why? Because he felt threatened, and weak, and ineffective, and he's masking that with anger.

Please, if you do work though this (and I'll bet that you do), remember that upsetting your H will most likely upset you as well. Is his behavior appropriate? No, of course not, but you need to discuss that with him like adults, not try to out do each other with hurtful comments. That only leads to more hard feelings and a bigger wall between the two of you.

I know you'll be ok Jess. You're stronger than you know. Please let the man that was helping you know what's happened. It would be really unfair if your H were to physically attack him when in reality there is nothing there.

Jesss posted 10/22/2013 22:17 PM

[This message edited by Jesss at 8:53 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

summerain posted 10/22/2013 22:31 PM

Hey Jess,

no I will not say you will both work it all out. I disagree completely. It is not solely dependant on you, it's a two way street.

I was hoping you could share when did you find out about the sex websites?

told WH I flirted a bit, to get the coworker to trust me enough to tell me the truth.

is this true? did you do that?

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 00:25 AM

[This message edited by Jesss at 8:54 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 00:27 AM

Painfulpast, I wanted add before, that is very interesting what you said about anger. I have never heard that before but it does make a lot if sense. And kind of makes me understand my WH more.

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 12:29 PM

[This message edited by Jesss at 8:54 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 16:31 PM

Hi Jess,

Your WH is emotionally insecure. This is pretty much a given if you consider the reasons behind infidelity. It's quite commone for WS's to accuse their BS of the same behaviour. In part, it is a way for them to distract from their issues, and in part, it is a projection of their experiences and value system onto you (ie - if they cheated, then you must certainly be capable of it too ).

Upsetting your WH with your comment was not a smart move. He lashed out out of fear, but also as a way to make what he did seem not so bad.

If you do wish do reconcile, then you need to learn how to communicate effectively. Speak from your needs and boundaries - don't engage in manipulation and riling up negative emotions. Reconciling requires effort from both partners.

You need to act quickly before resentments build. I would tell him something to the effect of "When you cheated I felt unable to trust you. I need honesty and transparency and verification to help rebuild the trust in our marriage. What I said was untruthful and meant to hurt in the same way I was hurting. I am committed to working on myself to find out how I can communicate my feelings more effectively, but I need to see a committment from you on rebuilding the trust if I am to stay in the relationship. It is your choice as to how you follow through and I am committed to doing my part in moving forward to a healthier life." This type of statement expresses your feelings, what you need to see, and that you are willing to take responsiblity for your part and expecting him to do the same.

I'm sorry if my post comes across as being harsh - I'm just meaning to be clear and concise to avoid confusion.

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 17:01 PM

Thank you SerJR.
He is not even answering my texts or calls right now. He is saying I am a liar. And will not even talk to me at all.

This is how he has always acted through our whole marriage when he gets mad at me. It was a good reminder of the way he'd been treating me our whole marriage. Maybe I just needed to see this side of him to give me strength to finally see a lawyer and file for divorce.

I feel like, why was I even trying to forgive him for all that he's done when just me flirting and saying I have crush Serbs to be a deal breaker for him. I feel like this is just an excuse for him to be the one to end things. Even how he is already seeing a lawyer.

So now, knowing all that, anyone have any advice on what I should do now?

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 17:13 PM

This is how he has always acted through our whole marriage when he gets mad at me.

Can you say this with objectivity, or are you saying this through an emotionally hurting filter? If this is true, has he done anything to demonstrate that he is changing or capable of changing?

Sorry to answer your question with a question, but if you can take a bit of time to reflect on it, it may provide some clarity.

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 17:37 PM

No, that is true. He works away from home and any time we have an argument or disagreement he yells, calls names, then ignores me for days, weeks, the longest was a month.

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 18:00 PM

So, why are you considering staying with him?

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 18:15 PM

Good question...
That's why I said maybe this is a good reminder of how I have been miserable with him years, even before I found out he's been cheating.

So I have Again made an appt with lawyer, and I will not cancel it this time.
I just want him to be civil. We have young children and I don't want things to get ugly.

How should I act towards him now? When I see him next?
Thank you for your help, I am literally feeling insane.

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 18:37 PM

If you're familiar with the 180, that's a pretty good template for how to act. In the Articles section, there's also an article by Catwoman on No Contact which gives some additional ideas.

Don't not expect things to get ugly. With the reality of divorce and the associated financial impacts looming, many unremorseful WS's will get ugly and greedy. They often try to pull every string of yours that they can. When they try those emotional barbs, the best thing to do is to not engage and keep discussions strictly to logistical matters (finances/kids/etc). I'm not saying it will get ugly, just to be prepared.

So, the next question is... (and this is a toughie)... what do you want in your life? What do you not want in your life?

Jesss posted 10/23/2013 20:52 PM

Yes, I have read the thread you started on understanding the 180. I will look at the other article as well.
Thank you :)

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