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persevere posted 10/22/2013 22:54 PM

Almost three years since the A began (late October 2010), DDay in January 2011, D in late April 2011, always justifying their relationship, and TONIGHT he finally needs to talk to me, I'm the only one he can talk to, he's so sorry for everything, he know it's too little too late, but he needs to talk to me....tomorrow. (eta: we don't talk - haven't spoken in WELL over a year, closer to two - we have no children together)

AYFKM?

The morbid curiosity is actually causing me to consider a conversation. Yes, I know I will get many 2x4's for that, but I may just to hear what's up. I figured he either has marriage issues or he got arrested (I have many law enforcement contacts). His texts are leaning towards the former. I won't get entangled even if I do talk to him.

Any experience with this? Please feel free to 2x4 as appropriate.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:57 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 10/22/2013 22:55 PM

he's drunk.

persevere posted 10/22/2013 22:58 PM

he's drunk
Well, there is that, lol, but that's a constant with him, so there's a bit more to it. Now, will that change his reaction tomorrow? Possibly...lol.

gma56 posted 10/22/2013 23:07 PM

I think I would be curious too. You're far enough out to know what the deal is with him and not get sucked in.
Since you posted this, do an update.
Gma

persevere posted 10/22/2013 23:11 PM

Since you posted this, do an update
Oh, definitely. I would never not post this type of thing here - it's the best resource I have.

heartbroken30 posted 10/23/2013 04:57 AM

This just happened to me a few months ago. After 6 years, he needed to talk to me (we talk often about the kids but that's about it). So he tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he still loves me, had never gotten over me, so sorry for all he has done to hurt me.

My reaction was not what I had thought it would be. I thought I would be feeling like, ha! Serves you right, f--- you. But i didn't feel that way at all. I was more sad than anything else. Sad for our kids, sad for the breakup of our family. There is no way I would ever go back to him, too much has happened between us and besides, I'm not the same girl I used to be.

Good luck persevere. The curiosity is sometimes too much to resist.

newnormal posted 10/23/2013 06:41 AM

Whats the chance of him working a 12 step program or having a come to Jesus type epiphany?

Short of the above, its probably not good. But I understand your curiosity.

cmego posted 10/23/2013 06:45 AM

Yeah...my ex came crying when his boyfriend cheated on him. "This is karma!! Now I know how you felt!". I flipped my lid when I heard, "Now I know how you felt!" Your boyfriend sexting someone else does not equal a 17 year relationship, 2 kids, multiple moves, 10 houses, retirement THEN finding out your spouse is gay and cheating on you for most of the marriage.

He shut up after that. I can't say it "helped" me, it more just showed me how completely clueless he is about what he did to me.

Williesmom posted 10/23/2013 07:22 AM

Yeah. Mine had this epiphany about 18 months after we were divorced. He said "I know what you need. I can be a good husband to you."

Yeah, fuck him - if he didn't get it after 17 years of marriage, I don't need it.

It really upset me. The conversation ended when I walked into the house and left him lying in my driveway sobbing.

This chick ain't nobody's Plan B.

Bluebird26 posted 10/23/2013 07:31 AM

I wouldn't do it. I am thinking he is sniffing around to see if you'll be a plan B.

SBB posted 10/23/2013 08:13 AM

Morbid curiosity / curiosity killed the cat.

Whilst I do understand the morbid curiosity I would remind myself that I won't get any answers from that guy because he doesn't have them. I don't know this stranger and he knows himself even less.

I suggest you sit down and write out exactly WHAT you are curious about.

I would not give him an opportunity to express anything to me.

I would not give him a chance to throw a new hook at me.

There is no upside here. IMO no good can come of this.

If you wrote out a pros/cons list it would be obvious that NO is the answer here. Even the best-case scenario has ZERO upside for me.

That would be a no for me. Make that a Hell.No.

ajsmom posted 10/23/2013 08:27 AM

Ah yes, the cyclical alcoholically induced "Bring thee to the mountain" chat.

Cuz I've had, I dunno 3 or 9 conversations like this with Rico, let me share how this little meet up will go.

He will use the word "I" at least 934 times and YOU will NEVER factor into the conversation.

You will not be asked what you are feeling, only what you think he should do.

He will unleash emotions in you that your "closer to two years" of NC has softly let heal.

You will watch him unravel and then start questioning why you wasted so many years with him in the first place, unleashing those most evil monsters called shame and contempt onto yourself.

And, yes, you will get entangled because at the root of the reason for this conversation, you are his "go-to-no-one-knows-me-better-than-her" soft place to land. His to catch and then release. Again.

You will leave that meeting upset that you lost an hour of your life you'll never get back.

But hey, don't listen to me. Pet the drama llama and come back and tell us what happened.

Or, save your sanity. And your pride.

Your choice.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 8:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Sad in AZ posted 10/23/2013 08:35 AM

Sigh; I so agree with AJsmom, but my curiosity would get the better of me too. I have actually had a few of these convos via phone. Luckily, they just leave me shaking my head. I've stopped feeling sympathy for him, and my empathy stops at 'There but for the grace of god go I' However, face-to-face? I'm not sure I could do it.

FaithFool posted 10/23/2013 08:37 AM

You've moved on and done a nice job of healing.

Tell him to talk to his wife.

Newlease posted 10/23/2013 09:04 AM

I've had a couple of these with my X. I didn't feel like it set me back or anything like that. I just felt like he is still struggling but doesn't get that he caused it all. I just shake my head after these little "confessionals" or whatever you call them.

ajsmom is right about it all STILL and ALWAYS being about them. They are lost and maybe in the dark recesses of their minds they know that it's all because of their own actions. But because they cannot come to terms with that fact they look to you for advice and redemption.

BTDT, but even if he called me tomorrow, I would still listen to him. It doesn't cost me anything and reinforces how much better I have survived this trauma than him.

NL

lifestoshort posted 10/23/2013 09:21 AM

Id listen to it but I would not go out of my way or wagging my tail to make sure you are available at any given sec to listen.

my ex did this too. it took after I was remarried, and 3 yrs after divorce. he had just had his heart broken and by his email it was about 3am. he said things I needed to hear. way late, but it was indeed healing for me. Im not going back to him. omg never. but i spent nearly a decade w him and we have kids. the least he could have was an epiphany and say sorry. whether or not he meant it is another thing. it took me yrs to get over him and by the time he said it I was like, good. you get it a little bit. and you bet when he said oh my heart is broken, I turned around and said- now imagine you married that girl she cheated on you and you had kids w her and you watched her cheat over and over? cause the pain you have now is NOTHING like what I went thru. but I appreciate you apologizing.

I dont love fighting unless its warranted. if you dont have kids, then I cant see why you would need to fight over much. i would listen to what it is, either by phone or email and then keep moving on.

Helen of Troy posted 10/23/2013 10:35 AM

2x4 no way! He wants a favor? Well that's too bad.
He needs a friend? Um no you're not interested in being an OW in an emotional affair. See ya, bye.
He wants to apologize for his behavior to you? Ok tell him to email you. Then you get to decide if you want to read it or not. And, just because he sent it does not guarantee him a response from you.
He needs advice? Tell him to find a therapist or counselor.

You're the ONLY one he can talk to? Wow I find that hard to believe.

Or just 100% ignore him, do not respond at all.

LearningToRun posted 10/23/2013 10:52 AM

I would totally have to go. And if you are where you say you are, i think it could be awesome to see him with distance and perspective. (and no rose colored glasses)
You aren't the same girl, you wont fall for the same lines.

Crescita posted 10/23/2013 12:25 PM

Persevere, if you are curious enough to entertain this, it is going to affect you more than you realize. Keep up NC, and imagine whatever scenario brings you peace. This won’t quench your curiosity; it is purely a manipulation. You will only end up with more questions and frustration if you allow him back into your life, even in such a limited capacity.

better4me posted 10/23/2013 12:37 PM

I still get those phone calls "I still love you B4me" and I let them go to voice mail and I NEVER return the call. He's stopped by my house a couple of times when I wasn't home (I didn't know I had friendly spies in the neighborhood until they told me this). I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear what he says. I wouldn't even be curious as to what he needed to talk to me about. I. Just. Don't. Care.

But that's me...

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