SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cookiegrl posted 10/22/2013 23:37 PM

Well it's been several months and I thought that we were working on things. Now I find numerous craigslist ads that he has responded to in the sent folder of his email. One of them not even 2 weeks ago. He is denying it all. Telling me that his email has been hacked. 16 times? ugh. sick of all the lies. I think I have to leave. But I don't know what to do or how to begin the process. I live in Florida but all my family is in Ohio. So I am alone here. I don't have money for an attorney. I am afraid of how he will act when I tell him I want out. Does anyone have advice on what to do, how to start?
Thanks. just feeling so lost.

Jrazz posted 10/22/2013 23:41 PM

Hey cookiegrl. I'm so sorry that he's proven himself a liar and a coward. In our Seperation/Divorce forum we have a lot of experienced members who have been in your shoes. You may get advice here, but you will get a lot more experience and resources in there I think.

As for money and attorneys, it's my understanding that some of them will consult without a fee to see if they can help you, and you can later get $$ out of the marital assets for payment. I have no clue how this works, but it couldn't help to discreetly pull all your financials and call a few local family attorneys to see what they think.

I'm just so very sorry. Protect yourself, and keep your cards close to your chest. We're here for you. Sending hugs and strength.

cookiegrl posted 10/23/2013 08:28 AM

Thanks Jrazz :)

MovingUpward posted 10/23/2013 08:37 AM

Also surviving domestic abuse :(

I am afraid of how he will act when I tell him I want out.

Besides the money, do you feel your safety is at risk? If so then you might want to think of other options. Having a friend with you when you tell him and have a safe place to stay. Or packing the kids up and driving to Ohio to be with family to support you through this.

Exit Wounds posted 10/23/2013 08:47 AM

What Moo said. I would be ready with kids and ready to walk out w/ kids back to Ohio.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Keep us posted.

cookiegrl posted 10/23/2013 08:56 AM

Definitely concerned about me and my kids safety. This has happened before when I tell him I'm leaving, he threatens to kill himself. He is abusive all around and sometimes I think I'm going crazy. He messes with me so much. Mutual friends don't believe me when I tell him how much of a rage he can get in. He is a totally different person when he wants to be.
I've contacted a local friend and she knows what is going on. So I feel safety in that.

Too_Trusting posted 10/23/2013 08:58 AM

Count me in the camp that agrees with Moo. If you believe your safety is at risk, then pack up the kids and drive to your family in Ohio.

The "my email has been hacked" excuse is totally lame. He did it. He knows he did it, and he's just trying some crazymaking excuse to see if it will buy him some time to come up with something better, or to hide things better.

Hugs...

cookiegrl posted 10/24/2013 08:41 AM

Thanks all. We had a conversation last night and he was actually rational but still denied everything. He actually brought up MC but didn't beg for it or to stay with me in the desperate way that he usually does. I agreed to MC. He is moving out for the time being. I have no idea if a marriage can survive this. Or if I want it to. I know I deserve better.

angerisme posted 10/24/2013 08:52 AM

Hi Cookie
Leaving is MUCH easier than what you have already been through! The first step is to MAKE A PLAN. You need a plan to follow 1-2-3 so when it gets difficult you can be robot like.

If I were you, I would try to find a job in Ohio before anything else. If you can get a job FIRST...then get an Ohio attorney BEFORE you file then you probably will not be restrained from leaving Florida. You might just tell him you want to get away and "think" for a while. He will be only too happy to let you go bc it frees him as well. Once in Ohio get that job QUICKLY...enroll your kids in school/daycare...and put him off. After 3 months FILE FOR DIVORCE. You will not need to tell him ANYTHING. The 3 months you are working just limit conversation time, do NOT tell him you have a job, tell him kids are in school because it is the law/you need time to think. FILE as plaintiff...then no more communication except by email. He will find out when he is served. If you filed first, you have a nice place to live with a job, and kids are enrolled and regularly attending a school/daycare...judges will leave you alone.

Making a plan for disconnecting from him and rebuilding your life is a separate conversation. What is most important is to control your emotions and get yourself into a setting where you have family around you for SAFETY and love. If you file now in Florida or he files first the first thing that will happen is the judge will restrict you from moving your children out of state. DONT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU SINCE YOUR FAMILY IS IN OHIO.

I am praying for you.

ButterflyGirl posted 10/24/2013 09:32 AM

I'm in Florida, and I'm restricted to the surrounding 5 counties during our divorce.. Oh the things I would have done had I known before I filed..

I agree to get out of there and go be with family. And DO NOT tell him your plans. Keep it simple. Stay in ohio with your support system and start rebuilding your life. Yes, you deserve so much better..

Hugs.. Don't give that guy anymore of your emotions. He doesn't deserve them..

doggiediva posted 10/24/2013 10:53 AM

I agree get a plan in place for moving to Ohio, it puts more distance between you and WH...Is your family there supportive of you, are they in a position to help you?

cookiegrl posted 10/24/2013 11:04 AM

Leaving is MUCH easier than what you have already been through!

I have heard this before.. I am hoping that it is true!! Taking the first step seems like it's going to be so hard.

angerisme thank you SO much for all of that advice. It gives me some direction which I definitely needed.

My family is not really in a position to help me financially, and although I know that my children and I would have a ton of love and support emotionally, there is not much more that they can give. I'm going to be doing everything on my own.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/24/2013 11:07 AM

Well Cookiegrl, it would appear the 'reward' for your GIFT of forgiveness the first time you caught him cheating - was more cheating.

I'm equally sure you probably told him when you caught him LAST time that he had one last chance to straighten up and fly right.

Well, he threw that last chance away.

If you stick around and forgive yet again, you're just sending the message that you don't stick to your word and he can cheat over and over and over and you'll just stay right there. Don't send that message. Aim higher for yourself and your kids.

I agree with the others. It's time to LEAVE.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:09 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]