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Newest Member: wantingtomovefwd (61122)

User Topic: I've killed my marriage. Once and for all.
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after a pathetic attempt of a confession to my BS in January of 2011 for an affair I had in 2009, I TTd her miserably. A lot. She left with our kids. Twice. Because I kept lying. For my own stupidity. Because I couldn't even grasp what the hell I was putting on her. Based on a timeline I gave her back then, she stayed. I had the immature and psychotic illusion that minimizing and and withholding would keep the pain to a minimum. I witnessed some horrific reactions in my wife. Broken beyond repair. I thought, foolishly, that keeping things from her would help ease the pain of something already in the past.

Then I was a shitty WS. I had no patience. Got on ADs that turned me into a zombie. Got fired from my job, and we all moved back to our hometown in August/September of 2011. This meant my BS had to take up working again. While I sat at home as a pathetically tepid SAHD. She missed being a SAHM. And I took that away from her. I didn't support my BS. We fought. were not close. I put all of my guilt and shame back on her.

Fast forward to now. Money has been tight. A point of contention in probably a lot of M. I was lazy. I refused to work. We had a blowout. She posted about it here. I took a really crappy job in early September that meant we only had childcare issues once per week. And it will ease some financial tensions.

Something happened to me in that timeframe. I've been exercising, I've lost a lot of weight. And the horrors of the A came flooding back into my brain. Then all of my shitty personality issues were clear as day. Then I realized just how miserable I have made my wife for our entire marriage.I started reading and learning and discovering that I didn't want my wife to live like that. I picked myself up and started doing my damnedest to be the best possible partner I could be. I was excited about the future. She seemed to notice the effort.

Then the shit hit the fan. I've been sobbing and pouring out my soul to her, hoping to make things right. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. Then, this little compartmentalized piece of evil popped out. I withheld so much A related stuff. I pushed, it pulled. I tried to rationalize it away. Thinking 2+ years out, TT would hurt her ways that I couldn't stand to see. But I was lurking here. And it got to be so much, I let it out that I've been lying about the A since 2011. That I didn't give all the details. She wanted them. Some immediately. Most in a new timeline.

ANd I will give her that timeline. Because she deserves the truth. And I'm sitting here in my own pile of shit. She has expressed a lot of things today. All of which is so hurtful to hear. I've been crying. A lot. Keeping it together in front of our kids. When the shit hit the fan in 2011, we became the worst parents ever. And she is vowing that won't happen. So she's pulling out the fake emotions and smiles to keep everybody calm and feeling cared for and loved.

We've been texting all day to keep things quiet and I won't cover the myriad of things she's said, but there's a particular thing she keeps saying. That I've trapped her with my shitty choices and lying. She will never feel loved. She will always be lonely. She wants a whole family so our kids won't suffer any consequences. That we will fake our marriage to our children and outsiders. That once the kids are in bed, I am of no concern to her. I may sleep in the bed for appearances, but I may never touch her and there will be no sex or intimacy ever again. She says that she's broken beyond repair. There is no healing. That she will not divorce as it would be horrific for the kids and that she doesn't want to do custody stuff. That if I find it too much, I can divorce her, but she said "that's all on you".

I'm dying inside. I keep hope alive. She tells me I'm very naive. And that there's no way to recover.

I don't know what to do. I'm wallowing and floundering. She's out with two friends right now. No idea where, or for how long.

I don't know what to do. I'm so torn apart by all my crappy choices. And ruined that I lied for so long.

I'm sorry if that was rambling and unclear. I'm not feeling very with it.

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
♂ 21259
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, man, BS here... I hope that's ok. It sounds like you're really remorseful. I think you've got to realize that she's defending herself, at this point. You (both) have got to figure out if this is a breaking point for you both... If you can't stay together without intimacy, then you've got to let her know. If she can't stay in the marriage without trying to forgive you, then she's got to let you know.

TALK! Don't let a once-was-great-marriage go down the drain because nobody wanted to talk.

Me: BS 56
Her: fWW 51

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. There's plenty of talk. And I have told her I will give her all that she wants and needs. She has flat out said that shes going to fake it through, being lonely and unloved, until our youngest is old enough and leaves the house. So, 14 years. She said of our girls "they need a family. And I will fake it forever if i have to. Hope is gone for me". And earlier she said "I have given you everything. I have nothing left for you. I have nothing left for me."

I've been in tears. Throwing up. Not getting defensive. And not getting angry (which I did so much in 2011). I'm so sad. And I can't undo any of it. And I keep telling her that I'll do it all. I will carry this. I will show her a better life.

ETA: I don't want a nice light shining on me. I've been an angry depressed prick for most of our marriage. She isn't giving up on something great.

[This message edited by mrhurt314 at 12:28 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't going to have answers for a long time. Your BW is going through another DD. With every DD, the betrayed get further and further discouraged.

Now is not the time to give up. Now is the time to be the man she should have had all along. You've been in a false R for two years now. That's a huge shock to your BW.

She's been through so much already, and probably thinks she can't do it anymore. The best I can say is do everything in your power to make her number one. EVERYTHING. I'm not saying ignore her requests to be alone at night. I'm saying to finally be the husband you want to be, even if you aren't getting anything in return.

Me : no longer a BW or BGF. Starting over!

Them : in the past, where they can stay.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're actually legit on telling the truth and being honest, may I suggest offering a poly too? Your timeline really won't mean much. She won't know if its the truth or not. She's going to see a bunch more words and be thinking, "Yeah. Right. And what else is he not telling me?" Offering to do a poly and then following thru with it adds a level of seriousness and determination on your part.

Everyone argues a zillion ways from Sunday about the reliability of a poly but the way I see it, what else could you possibly have to loose? Kwim?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:40 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.
You know, you may have finally hit the bottom of the well, and your wife has too. My heart goes out to both of you. The best chance you have is of being the man you need to be, and the husband she deserves. The clock has started again. Do the work. Get counseling. Be available. Learn about yourself. Tell the truth - about everything!

She is at square one, again. It must be so dispiriting, but maybe, just maybe, she will let you in when she sees how hard you are working. You owe her that.

Good luck to you both.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 39613
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry mrhurt. I agree with Aubrie, a poly can't hurt. Continue to be transparent and be the best husband you can be. I do want to add my .02 though about staying together for the kids. I have many friend's whose parents "stayed together for the kids" and they were more devastated by the lies from their parents than they were by the actual divorce. Many felt dissolusioned about marriage, love, etc... and felt very betrayed. They stated that they preferred if their parents ended the marriage when they were younger, instead of acting like they were happy/in-love. Just remember that children are resilient, it's a lot harder for us to cope when we are adults. I hope you never go down this path and your wife changes her mind. Keep being the best you that you can be.

WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe the marriage is dead. I'm a BS and I know what your BS is going through because I've been there - several times. I begged, pleaded and begged some more, but WS wouldn't tell me the truth. I'm not even sure I have it all now. And everytime I found out more (I dug and dug) it took m right back to the beginning...and the pain is excruciating - beyond belief. I could be wrong and your BS has finally decided that it's over. But, she is in so much pain and hurt that she is probably not thinking straight....don't tell her I said this. She needs time - lots and lots of time. Give her everything she needs - space etc. Be patient (you owe her that) and give her support for her choices right now because that is what SHE needs. Sorry, but this is all about her. What she needs - you've annihilated her and she has worked so hard to get to where she was. It is incredibly difficult - so much pain - so much hurt - take what you are feeling and multiply it 1000 times....and you will begin to see a tiny bit of what she is going through. Keep this mantra in your mind at all times now....IT'S ALL ABOUT HER...
Good Luck

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Feeling guilty is not remorse.

Feeling sad, crying and living in despair is not remorse.

Remorse is about taking actions.

There are plenty of things you can do even if your wife has chosen to withdraw from you.

You said you re-worked your timeline. It wasn't clear to me if you had given it to your BS yet?

Did you lie about No Contact too?

Dates of No Contact?

Emails or secret accounts?


What specific information were you withholding? Other affairs?

We can help more with a clearer picture,,
Will you share more specifics??

WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Card. Your actions are going to have to do the talking. I didn't believe my husband at first when he said he was going to change - I had been lied to so much and I'd heard every promise that he made before and he lied previously. It was consistent actions and consistent honesty that I needed. Now after a year of consistency I trust him again.

Right now your wife is hurting so much. She might actually be done, the marriage might really be dead to her. What I'd advise is to respect her wishes. Do what she asks of you. Let your actions do the talking.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8398 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrhurt314-Maybe and maybe not. Time will tell but you need to keep on healing and working on yourself. Do the things your BW asks of you.

As as BS, knowing the truth 100% is so important to us and yes it hurts to find out it has still been kept from us but it not impossible to overcome.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ 35787
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...hope that's okay. I am dealing with yet another D-day. I am going to agree with many that have said here..It's all in the actions. Period. Find an IC, ask her (after a little time has passed) for MC. Be transparent, and honest from here on out. Let your actions speak, for they are louder and fuller than any words you could say anymore. There does come a moment in a BS's being where all the emotions are shut down. Nothing more can be processed. I hear your pleas, but do not confuse sadness with remorse. Read books that promote reconciliation. Take action.

Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The only thing I can tell you is......DON'T GIVE UP. We have so many amazing waywards here. Who have faced things about themselves that I can't even imagine ever having to face.

They are so cool.

But no matter how empathetic a wayward is, I'm not sure that it is ever possible to totally understand how we feel.

Please don't give up. Please keep trying even when you don't get the response you were hoping for. Please. The hurt of this is indescribable.

Keep trying. If nothing else, you will be able to know that you did. Do everything you can think of and keep doing it even if you don't get positive reinforcement.

Keep trying. Hang in there. Know that it is right to do right even if you don't get what you want.

Don't give up.

She married you. Somewhere in there she loves you. Do NOT give up.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 40258
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...I'm not going to give you any false hopes or platitudes, but will say while your wife is staying for the kids, you have 14 years to prove you're worthy of her.

Just know, in the end, no matter if you do everything right, it may not change anything. You're actions over the past 4 years may have destroyed any chance of R...but then again, it may change everything, and give you BS the marriage she deserves.

It up to you to figure out if you want to try with the possibility of getting nothing in return.

But you need to fix yourself, and figure out how to be a loving husband and father, and find out why you are so angry and depressed, and live your life with honesty & integrity, and YOU need to be carrying all the weight of the relationship and giving it your everything to make her want to possibly try with you.

"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"


R: one foot in, and one foot out

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I'm really trying to keep it together. I started crying this morning, and my W said "what are you crying about? Keeping this (meaning the faking it) up means you don't do that. I cried in a bar!" A bar she was at with some friends last night.

Aubrie - If I could swing the money, I have absolutely no reason NOT to do a poly. I don't know if that's something she wants.

Bionicgal - I agree. I have to be the man and husband she deserves. I'm fighting some old ingrained needy tendencies for reassurance, so that's no good.

Broken1213 - I worry so much about the long term effects of "faking it" or staying married just for the kids. It scares the shit out of me, actually. The pain I've caused is so profound. I don't see this as the helpful path.

Devastated30 - It is all about her. And I often read into things. Which gets me into trouble. I can't really assess whether she's really done. Her texts and words don't indicate any desire for anything. This was this morning: "I'm literally empty of hope for my future. I see only years of sadness and loneliness ahead. I worked so hard to be healthier and to enjoy my life and you had to take that away too. You have only ever chosen her over me. She is the one you should be with."

Card - You're right. Guilt is not remorse. I don't always know what to do when she withdraws. That's the rub. I withheld details of the A. Places, number of times, using protection. She threw out some very poignant texts this morning saying that I have coerced or raped her during this time because of the lies.

JanaGreen - My actions seem so slight. I clean the house daily. Get the lunches for my daughters ready, keep the yard work up. Do the laundry. All recent improvements I have made. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like there's more to do.

Dallas2 - It does seem impossible. I've heard words of anger before, but some of the things she's saying or texting are just amazing.

Befuzzled110 - I'm looking for an IC. I need one. For the foreseeable future (based on everything she's saying) I would get a huge laugh at the idea of MC. She really keeps saying that she's done. Her heart is dead. And laughs at me when I say there's hope.

Heforgotme - I appreciate the positive sentiment. I don't get ANY positive response. Loads of the opposite. And I'm trying to hold my head up. You are right, the outcome I want isn't really relevant. She married me, yes. And she has loved me, true. But she's really in pain. and her words reflect that.

Icecold - I appreciate NOT getting false hopes. And you're right, I do have 14 years to prove i'm worthy. And I try not to get swallowed up in worrying about the outcome. I may not get anything in return. Feels right now like that's the most likely scenario. And yes, I do need to figure out how to be a loving husband and father. I'm not perfect by any means.

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but will say while your wife is staying for the kids, you have 14 years to prove you're worthy of her.
^^^this to an extent. You may not get 14 years, 14 months, 14 weeks, or 14 days but as long as she is still there and talking to you there is still a chance. I am also a BS who went through false R for a year on top of never ending TT. I ended up filing but if my STBXW had actually come clean and shown through her actions that she genuinely wanted to change then I "might" still be married. Calm down and realize you have a chance to show with actions that you in fact can change. It may in fact be the end but that shouldn't stop you from doing the work. Get in counseling, figure out your whys, and get started on teh digging. People around here are more than willing to help you.

Your BW staying for the kids isn't a given either. At some point in the future your BW is going to wake up and think "why am I consigning myself to a 14 year prison sentence when I can in fact leave." You have until the day the D is finalized to change her mind with your actions. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2201 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deleted to avoid double post

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 12:39 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't give up. I can't speak for your BS, but for me every time I found something new it started over & took longer to believe anything WS said. Even now a few months out I still question everything, wonder if the A is over or underground. No matter how much I want to believe, he wants me and only me, I don't think it's true...maybe it is, maybe it's not, I don't know if I'll ever really know the true answer to that one.

She will never feel loved. She will always be lonely. She wants a whole family so our kids won't suffer any consequences. That we will fake our marriage to our children and outsiders.

Fake it till you make it. Right now she's hurt. A wall is her protection. You'll need to break it down one brick at a time to see what is really there.

If she pushes you away do other things to show your love for her. Let her hear you tell others why you love her. Then back it up when you’re alone, so she knows it wasn’t just for show. Make her life easier by helping with the toughest part of her day. Do whatever it takes to make her feel special.

Think about the impact your actions will have on her & the family.

It may be a test of time (intentional or unintentional) to see which lasts longer, her need to not be with you or your love for her.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

****Posting as a member****

I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're trying to make things right.

As a friend of hurt314's I have to admit that it's hard to muster objectivity here, as I've watched her feel like she was dying inside for the last 3 years, and now that she's out trying to have a life and do something that makes her feel better you are in a panic.

The "dying" you think you are experiencing is nothing next to what you have put your girls through.

Read books. Look into counseling. Repent. Apologize. Tell the truth. Own your shit. Stop with the self pity. And don't do ANY of it expecting that hurt314 is going to come leaping back into your arms. Do it because you want to be a good husband, father, and man.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and selfishly a large part of it is because it has killed me to see a wonderful woman like hurt314 be in as much pain as she has been.

You can do this. We can help. The new mrhurt314 starts NOW.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are at a good place for your M to survive. Mrs. Hurt has stayed with you during all the bad years, and she might get some hope for a happy future with you if you are consistently honest, kind, humble, responsible, take on your share of the household burden, etc. from now on.

Do not waver, and do not give up when you think she is never going to believe in you or trust you. If you give up, it will prove to her that she can't trust you and that your revelations about yourself and your commitment to change and to your marriage were not real or permanent.

It will take years for her to trust you. But she has already stayed with you for years for you acting like a schmuch and treating her with disregard. She obviously loved you, or she wouldn't have stayed. There is probably a small flicker of love in her still, which is just covered over with hurt and disappointment. She is afraid to let the love grow out of fear of being hurt again. A person can only take so much, until they begin to protect themself from further pain.

Even the hardest of hearts can be softened by consistent love and kindness.

Stay the course. Keep your focus on yourself. You can be a better man, even if your wife never believes in you again. Your focus should be on becoming the best man you can be, and maybe, just maybe your wife will be glad she stayed with you and want to keep staying after the children are grown.


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
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