I had a really bad night. Woke up sobbing thinking about all the secrets he kept and the lies he told and wondering if they're really behind us, if I'm just not smart enough to see the deceit now, and/or when is the next time he chooses someone else over me.
I was shaking the bed I was sobbing so violently and it woke H up. I told him I was in a bad place (no details) and that I needed him to hold me and reassure me that everything was going to be ok.
I got a cursory hug and he parroted my words, then...crickets.
Over the course if the next half hour or so, I went from incredibly hurt to incredibly angry. Apparently 6 am was too early to be needy. His schedule is bad, he's tired, I'm asking too much right now, being upset and thinking about the affair is contradictory to a previous conversation where I said I was feeling better and more optimistic, when we made reservations for a getaway weekend, yada, yada, yada. I AM FUCKING BALLISTIC.
We had a fight last weekend because I stuff my feelings and then eventually blow. He feels like my reactions come out of nowhere. Today, I share how I'm feeling and that's the wrong approach as well.
For the first time since dday, I'm actually thinking that divorce is a viable option.
I know he's tired, I know he feels tremendous shame and guilt that he caused this pain, but if he isn't willing to consistently work with me this isn't going to get better. I feel abandoned and rejected yet again. If I have to heal by myself, it would be a whole lot easier to do not looking at him everyday.
I thought he got this but clearly he doesn't so today I'm weighing the option of being alone vs feeling alone. Being alone is so much less lonely than feeling alone in a marriage.