"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

neverdidithink posted 10/23/2013 07:16 AM

I had a really bad night. Woke up sobbing thinking about all the secrets he kept and the lies he told and wondering if they're really behind us, if I'm just not smart enough to see the deceit now, and/or when is the next time he chooses someone else over me.

I was shaking the bed I was sobbing so violently and it woke H up. I told him I was in a bad place (no details) and that I needed him to hold me and reassure me that everything was going to be ok.

I got a cursory hug and he parroted my words, then...crickets.

Over the course if the next half hour or so, I went from incredibly hurt to incredibly angry. Apparently 6 am was too early to be needy. His schedule is bad, he's tired, I'm asking too much right now, being upset and thinking about the affair is contradictory to a previous conversation where I said I was feeling better and more optimistic, when we made reservations for a getaway weekend, yada, yada, yada. I AM FUCKING BALLISTIC.

We had a fight last weekend because I stuff my feelings and then eventually blow. He feels like my reactions come out of nowhere. Today, I share how I'm feeling and that's the wrong approach as well.

For the first time since dday, I'm actually thinking that divorce is a viable option.

I know he's tired, I know he feels tremendous shame and guilt that he caused this pain, but if he isn't willing to consistently work with me this isn't going to get better. I feel abandoned and rejected yet again. If I have to heal by myself, it would be a whole lot easier to do not looking at him everyday.

I thought he got this but clearly he doesn't so today I'm weighing the option of being alone vs feeling alone. Being alone is so much less lonely than feeling alone in a marriage.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/23/2013 08:06 AM

I am sorry you had a bad night. You are early in this rollercoaster. Both you and your WH have to understand and accept that your emotions will be all over the place and change at the drop of a dime. You both have to be willing to ride this out together.

What is he doing to understand what you are going through?
Is he doing any reading? After the Affair, Not Just Friends, How to help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

Raven96 posted 10/23/2013 08:28 AM

I'm sorry you had a bad night, too. I second Chicho...you will be all over the place. He needs to be there for you no matter how tired he is. What is he doing as far as getting educated about how to help you?

I've been there, the sobbing, the anger, the going ballistic...all of it. It's so normal. Your WH has to understand that he needs to be there for you NO MATTER WHAT! He was asleep? Too bad. He dropped this bomb on your M...he needs to do the work to help fix it.

I'm still where you are as far as looking at D as a viable option, and I'm six months out. You are on this stupid rollercoaster ride, unfortunately, and it will continue with the ups and downs. Make it a little more enjoyable by doing things for you...even if it is getting your finances in order and seeing an attorney. Knowledge is power, and the power you gain is less that he has over you.

Are the two of you in MC? It's a personal choice, but sometimes it helps when there are communication issues. He obviously isn't hearing you. He isn't understanding how much he is hurting you, and how your anger is the end result of that hurt.

Just know that you are not alone, and your feelings are normal. I thought for the longest time that I was losing my sanity...literally. I don't ever want anyone else to think that way.

(((Neverdidithink)))

neverdidithink posted 10/23/2013 08:44 AM

Thank you Chico and Raven96. He isn't doing anything to understand how I'm feeling or help me right now. No IC, no MC, no reading. His work schedule is hell right right now and C isn't possible, but he does have time to read. I guess I'm just not worth the effort.

Raven, this is my second marriage. Finances are in order, ducks are rowed. We have no children together and no joint property. We can split the joint checking and savings accounts down the midddle and go our separate ways.

As simple as it would be to execute, I wish that wasn't an option but I can't R alone.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 8:44 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 10/23/2013 09:01 AM

I will take a little different stance, here. The real issue is that he isn't doing the other R things - not his reaction to being woken up.

As horrible and momentous as cheating on someone is, it doesn't mean that the WS are going to be ready and able to deal with things well at our whim, every time. We deal with this a lot at bedtime. I'll get in a twisted knot, and WH can be shut down if he is overtired. He cannot function or think clearly.

I try not to feel abandoned, because he has proven again and again that he will talk to me about whatever I need to -- but our MC had made it clear that we both have to be ready to talk. This has been exceedingly hard, because like other BSes, I feel like he did this, he can handle it when I say!

But that isn't reality, and it really isn't a healthy way to think; it comes from a hurt and immature place when I try to force him to talk.

But, I think that the other things you say about him not going to MC, no reading, etc. is the bigger issue. Schedule time to talk. He needs to show you he is invested.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Guttedagain posted 10/23/2013 09:48 AM

So sorry you had such a bad night. I think bionicgal makes a good point. I had a bad night on monday after feeling very low but it was bedtime before we could talk, which is never ideal. Even the hint of an attitude was enough for me to really go off on one. We didn't sleep until 3 and Ws had to be up at half 5 to drive a distance. We did have a much better conversation last night or at least a chance for me to vent and for him to listen and try to reassure me. I hate being on this rollercoaster.

neverdidithink posted 10/23/2013 10:17 AM

bionicgal, yes it IS about him not doing the other R things. I am very sensitive to his workload right now and what's realistic to expect. I didn't think it was at all unreasonable to expect to be held and comforted. I wasn't looking for a conversation, I didn't want to talk. I needed to be held and treated like I mattered. Instead I felt disregarded and disrespected.

He needs to show you he is invested.

^^ this. I'm not feeling this consistently. He's really running hot and cold which is adding to my angst. Which H do I get today, the kind caring one or the impatient one?

He thinks he's being very supportive. He does nice things and gets angry that I'm not more appreciative. I can't get him to understand that while I acknowledge and appreciate his effort, it's very frustrating that he chooses to give me what he wants me to have rather than what I need. Asking for things is very difficult for me. I feel really exposed laying it all out there. To have him ignore me and then expect me to jump up and down with appreciation when he chooses to do something different instead of what I asked for is really disheartening.

We have different love languages. He responds to me with HIS rather than MINE. The problem is he doesn't know that because he hasn't taken the time to take the 5 minute quiz or read the results of mine despite my asking repeatedly.
I've given up asking because it just adds to my feelings of disregard and disrespect.

I know he sounds like a selfish monster, he's not. Before the A I always described him as the kindest, most generous person I've ever known. I believe his is still that man, but he's so wrapped up in work stress and guilt and whatever else that I don't think he can see straight. I'm trying to be patient, but I can't R alone.

neverdidithink posted 10/23/2013 10:23 AM

Guttedagain, thanks.

Intellectually I understand the bad timing thing. I wish I could have chosen a more convenient time to have a complete meltdown, but you know how this rollercoaster operates. I thought I was being senstive asking for something simple but I guess I was wrong.