My dday was about 9 months ago. About 3 or so months before that my wife was telling me that one of her close friends, who was pregnant at the time, had an affair with her boss. This friend has a high school education only, working as a secretary to the head of a IT department. After the affair, "somehow" this friend found a very nice, high paying job at another IT company. Hmm, go figure. Anyway, looking back, I'm sure my wife told me to gauge my reaction.
At the time, I thought "wow", well, I had met her husband and thought him to be kind of a loser. Sorry to say that. He couldn't keep a job, had no motivation, stayed at home all day playing video games. The apple didn't fall far from the tree with his family. Her friend is considered pretty attractive and outgoing personality. Everyone thought she could do better, including me. I thought, sucks to be him, but guess I can understand why she did what she did.
After my dday, I've often reflected back to that. I'm no loser. I'm successful in my career, well liked, make decent money, no George Clooney, but take care of myself. I know my wife's affair had nothing to do with me in those manners. Somebody gave her something I couldn't and she has flaws that made her susceptible. She made the conscious decision to screw around.
I wandered, sorry. Anyway, my point being how one's perspective can change. Her friend has since moved out of state and they rarely keep in touch anymore, which I'm very thankful for. I have no idea if he knows or not. Now I feel for the poor guy, but dammit, get a freaking job and get off the couch. Nevertheless, there's no excuse for what she had done. Again, perspectives...
There have been times when I’ve thought to myself – I understand why she’s having an affair. She’s attractive with a great personality, has a good job and I do believe has always wanted a close relationship in her marriage. I’ve known her for years and she’s lonely. Her husband is what I’d call a loser too. In and out of menial jobs for years – often will just up and quit because he’s tired of working -she makes such good money and provides the health benefits and he takes full advantage of that. They’ve never had children yet have never traveled and rarely has he ever wanted to even go out for dinner unless its Outback. He really does completely ignore her, spends his free time at the horse track.
BUT – then I remind myself and even told her this – her life won’t get any better by having an affair. She’s actually wasted years in an affair with a man who will never leave his wife. If she’s not happy she should leave her husband and find someone who gives her what she needs, but she’s the type of woman who won’t leave unless there is someone waiting in the wings for her. She does have low-esteem, she thinks she’s nothing without a man and would rather have a non-husband than no husband – or someone else’s husband.
Is it ok that she cheats? No – and the person she’s cheated is really herself. In the end, she has nothing and she’s still lonely. I feel sorry for her, she’s wasted so many years being unhappy. I told her – you’re living 2 lives – but not really LIVING either one of them!
My wife's friend was kind of a complete freaking mess. I said that her H should just take on a mistress... plausibly to get his needs 'met'.
Looking at the calendar, I told her that at the very start of her EA, one year to the date before it went PA on a trip.
I basically condoned infidelity. I know that my comments weighed heavily in her mind. What was I thinking?
Somebody gave her something I couldn't
No, she went looking for something in someone else, that she should have been look for in you.
You could have given her what she needed, but she decided not to give you the chance to give it.
That's why cheating is so blind. It happens to the Halle Berry's just as much as it happens to the Clampett's, because it has nothing to do with the characterisitics of the person getting cheated on.
Now I feel for the poor guy, but dammit, get a freaking job and get off the couch. Nevertheless, there's no excuse for what she had done. Again, perspectives...
Feeling bad for the guy for being cheated on is one thing.
Being unimpressed because he can't get a job is totally different.
Maybe that was her issue. This WS needed safety, stability, a person with responsibility and can care for themselves.
But you are right, nobody deserves to be cheated on...and if she was that unhappy then she should have started with couseling and worked out from there. If he still refused to hear her worry and get a job, then she should have filed for divorce and moved on.
His wife was a SAHM, but she almost never cooked dinner, her house wasn't messy; it was filthy, she always looked "frumpy". He confided in me a few times over the years that he asked her for the things he needed and wanted. She would comply for a few weeks before it was back to the same old thing. Their children were in school, and he could never account for what she did during the day, other than very little. Often times she didn't bother showering. She once said to him in front of a group of us "I got what I needed out of sex (the children) so I don't bother with it anymore."
Before I knew of his affair I asked why he didn't divorce her, and he gave me the same reasons some betrayeds (me before DDay3) and way wards give here; children, finances, mortgage and keeping up appearances. I have definitely felt like a hypocrite when I think about my thoughts regarding his wife and marriage.
He tried for years to make changes and better his marriage, but he was in it alone, so nobody blamed him when he found what he needed on the side. It was and is a sad situation all around.
Should he have left and not had an affair when he realized she would not put the work into their marriage, yes of course, but as many of us know, leaving is not that easy or cut and dry.
He made the wrong decision and now he has to live with the person he became, and do the work to be a better man.
[This message edited by Kierst13 at 11:53 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]