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User Topic: Why do I have to settle for luke warm emotions??
♀ 34197
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one is going to be long...

DDay 1 was discovered by text messages. DDay 2 was by uncovering emails, so I've got a pretty fair idea of how WH and OW talked to each other daily. Let me tell you, it was the sweetest BS I ever all know how it goes. My H has a way of writing things, it's funny and sweet at the same time, I've always loved it about him but it's sort of intimidating because I'm not a poetic person. I'm better at saying what I need/want to say rather than texting and writing it out. Very affectionate towards him in person.

With all that being said, after DDay all those words that I use to love became very triggery because he had stopped saying those things to me and began saying them to her instead. When I asked why he was always so sweet to her he told me it was because she talked to him the same way and that he liked it and wished I would do it, and that if I had I would have gotten those same things in return. I told him that's just not me and that I felt silly saying nothing but sweet nothings all day and that I can't think of these little lines off the top of my head the way he did (turns out neither could she, most of hers were straight off pinterest whatever). So now, I feel so emotionally vulnerable, he's been working in another state for two year and this is the first time I've cried when dropping him at the airport. I cried all the way home, I've cried almost every day wishing that he was here. I'm crying now thinking about it, even though he's being a jerk. I've told him all of this, I've told him all the sweet things I've felt and that I thought he wanted to hear, I've sent pictures of myself and asked for one of him...I've done all these things that were use to be so triggery for me, just to try to be what he needed and wanted.

So what did I get in return? Hardly a thing. Sure, I got "I love you too" and "I miss you too". I sent him a pic of a funny face I do that makes him laugh, then I sent a real one...he just commented on the funny one, ignored the other. When I told him I was having a hard day and was real emotional about him being gone...I get no response for a while and then he tells me to calm down and talks about work. He says general things like "I wish I was home" or "I miss the kids". I've mentioned that I really need some affection. It's been about a week of this now so I bring it up finally, come out and tell him that I feel like I'm not getting much in return emotionally (my mind is slowly going to A, but I don't bring this up). The phone disconnects so we begin texting. I wait for him to mention what I said but he doesn't so I point out that I suppose it's going to go ignored. No response and he says this morning that he fell asleep. Well I went from emotional and missing him to sort of angry again. We talk this morning for a bit and then I bring it up, that I sort of feel like I'm trying to be what he wants, that I'm feeling closer than I have in a long time but I don't feel its being returned. By this time we're texting and I bring up the A only to say that he's told me for 2 years that this is what he wanted and I truely feel the way I'm saying and that I feel a bit ignored. He tells me that he's dealing with things at work and he's sorry I feel that way bit he really doesn't understand why I do. Here it goes! I tell him I don't buy it because nothing he was dealing with ever affected how he treated MOW except the day our child was born. He replies that his situation has changed drastically. I respond that work can't be more stressful than texting a gf while his wife and kid is sitting right next to him. He texted her right after our ultrasound to tell her the baby is a girl...while I was sitting right there with him! Work is more stressful than that?! Then I tell him:

If you dont get it then it's not worth talking about, I'll never have what she got of you so the sooner I stop comparing your way of loving her vs the way you love me the better off I'll be

Here is his response:

I'm not talking about that I've got more on my plate now and f**** OW is the furthest from it and don't forget what you were doing 5yrs ago and don't think thats not on my mind so f*** it dealing with that and the other s*** we've been through sorry if im not super husband right now and give two ****? about talking about that b*** who you sit and think about because ohhh uhhh I had to go meet her on Halloween. F*** man everything every g*****n thing is about my wrong doings you focus on me and never possibly wonder what im dealing with or other s*** just leave me alone today dude I seriously seriously don't want to get into this s***, today it's rained on my a** every day dealing with this dumb f*** can't can't say the right thing to you and im just in no mood whatsoever.

I've tried all week to get some sort of emotional response out of him. I finally ask for it twice yesterday and then bring it up on the phone today only for every bit of it to be blatantly ignored. So then as soon as I say hey! I know your capable because I've SEEN it, that's when I get more of a response than I've gotten in the whole week. This has played out too many times. I do compare the way he treated the two of us. Even in person if it came to hurting my feelings or hers it was going to be mine. I'm tired of feeling like OW was treated better than me. 2x4's are very welcome. I'm tired of falling into this same routine.

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 9:54 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 34197
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, devastated. I don't know why I'm so weepy and emotional. He says I have no clue what he's going through but I'm here...we talk every day. How am I suppose to just know, especially when we're apart for weeks at a time??

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 38988
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much to say that will help you just know that your not alone. Im going through the same thing. My WH and counsellor both have said that the way he talked/texted her was a fantasy. It was the "honeymoon" period of a relationship where everything is rosey. No bills, kids, mortgages, chores etc... it wasn't REAL LIFE. They were both telling eachother what they wanted to hear and were both pumping eachother up. Had the affair gone on longer, had he given up his wife and kids for her and actually tried to create a REAL relationship, that stuff would have quickly turned negative and not so "loving". Hope this helps, In the beginning it drove me crazy. I saw the phone bills and he was texting her sometimes 150 times a day and having 60 minute conversations with her. I can barely get 5 texts and a quick call during the day. It hurts, but I just remind myself, that our relationship is real. There's was a fantasy.

Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't!

I read your profile and it doens't tell much. Your DD was 2011 and then when was the most recent one?? Reason I ask is by now if 2011 was the last DDAy he should be out of the "FOG".

Go to the I Can Relate Forum- there is a thread on how to reconcile with emotionally unavailable. It may help you some.

Have you tried the 180? Look in the healing Libray and see if any part of it you can do.

Your FWH has no right to talk, text, or email you in that tone. Please tell him if he can't be civil don't bother.

also from your post he is blaming you for his A. Do not accept that either, It is fault 100%. do matter what was going on he did not have ot choose to have an A.

I am sorry you are going through such a rough spot now.



Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ 34197
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Butterfly. I've often told him I wish he could have known the "real" her bur she was also a friend so I know that she was a romantic at heart. Even in her real life it was all just a fantasy land but that doesn't mean she didn't have real issues too. He just wasn't interested in that. He liked the girly doodling hearts and flowers type of attention. With this (us) basically being a long distance relationship I had hoped we could keep some of the petty things out of it. There's no trash, yardwork or dishes to take care of. I guess it doesn't work like that :-)

Dallas, DDays were in August and October of 2011. Thanks for the reffering me to the ICR forum. I never thought of him as emotionally unavailable because he's so needy. But I can see where he wants to take but doesn't really give. He tries to BUY my happiness but that's not what makes me happy. I've tried talking about it but he denies it. I feel like I've tried everything at this point. This is an example of why I feel R is going so slow. What he is referring to 5 years ago is a ONS while I was deployed. I've tried to do what I can for him but he never wants to talk about it. He rugsweeps until I bring up how I'm hurting and he gets mad at me for that. He feels like we both did it so if I bring it up then I'm only talking about his wrong doings. We've also talked about the way we speak to each other. I'm not perfect by any means but I felt like his response was extreme. If I point this out, there won't be any acknowledgment or apology so I've learned to pick my battles.

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 6

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