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Stayingstrong15 posted 10/23/2013 10:20 AM

I need some advice. Short summary is my husband and I have been married ten years. I found out in june2011 that he was having an affair and then I went on to discover he had sex with over a dozen women in the past five years. We have a five year old daughter. So to say I was devastated was an understatement. I felt like my whole life was a lie. So now today we have been trying to make it work. We have been in counseling. My husband stopped all the contact with other women and has done alot of work to make me believe he wants to live a truthful life and wants us to stay together. Here is where I am having a hard time. He had a male counselor and I have a female counselor that we meet with individually and then we all meet together once a month.. The 4 of us. It seems like his counselor keeps asking me questions about my past wounds from my parents divorcing etc. he told my husband that because I have past wounds this is making the pain deeper than it would normally be. I just got so upset about this. I feel like the reflection is on me and my past wounds. I feel like I am over what all happened with my parents and this is not the cause for my pain being deeper. My pain is because my husband lied and cheated with over 6 people. Why can they not get it. I am so mad because why is the attention focused on me and not on what he did. It is making me feel crazy and not heard. It makes me feel like his counselor is on his side all of the time. My husband is seen as the rational one and I am seen as the one who might not be healing because of my own past wounds. I am so over talking about my parents divorce. Why can't we talk about my husband's issues. It is hard to know if counseling is hurting or helping. My husband's counselor always seems to make it about me and not my husband. This just doesn't help validate my pain. I tried to tell my husband ... Anyone who was in my situation would have the same amount of pain... My pain is not deeper because of my parents ... My pain is deep because of what he did.. I am starting to not feel heard from my husband. I feel like all I do is try to get him to validate my pain and tell me it is normal and it's ok to feel this way... He keeps wanting me to be fixed. I am resenting that I am even having to explain my pain

Dallas2 posted 10/23/2013 10:27 AM

Shortest advice- find new counselor. DO you see a MC jointly? If not, you should.

His counselor is not focusing on him. Of course your parents D does affect you but he needs to get real. It is your H's behavior that is causing your pain. What does your Counselor say during this? She sould be stopping that crap and getting the A issues out in the open. Again find new IC and a MC.

You will not be fixed overnight and to expect that is just plain stupid. It takes time and help. Your WH needs to be helping you not just expectingit to be done with.

Stayingstrong15 posted 10/23/2013 10:44 AM

Thanks for the advice. I am thinking we need another counselor too. He helps my husband but not me which makes it not help us. It gets so hard staying. It is the hardest thing to try to do. It would be so easier to leave. I need the focus to switch more to the affairs and not my past. Yes parents divorcing is hard but it did not hurt me like this has. To be thought of as not getting over it because of my past wounds just makes me so mad.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/23/2013 11:16 AM

agreed. new IC. It almost sounds like he is trying to blame shift in a oh, "if your parents hadn't divorced you'd get over this faster" Bull. This IC is a jerk.

IMO, Your parents divorcing has zero to do with the pain you feel right now. You feel the pain you feel because your WH had multiple A's and and has showed a complete lack of respect for you, your life, your daughter and your marriage. Thats traumatic...and it sounds like this IC is minimizing your pain.

You are allowed to feel the way you feel for as long as you need to feel it in order to work thru and process all this. Don't let this IC tell you different. Don't rugsweep your feelings....or let him tell you what you are feeling is less than.

hugs to you.

bionicgal posted 10/23/2013 11:36 AM

I always hesitate to offer advice in situations like this, because I know that I can be overly sensitive to the MC focusing on me. I think there is a bias here that because we are the BS that we don't have to look at our own issues. Your issues may be preventing you from healing from the A, and improving your marriage.

MC is not about blame and punishment. Hopefully your H is dealing with his issues in therapy, but your marital issues have to do with you both. Just my opinion.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/23/2013 12:07 PM

Um..... Just saying...My parents never divorced and my husbands A destroyed me.

No past wounds needed-
My WS did plenty of damage on his own. And NO I am NOT "over it" yet. Please. Eye roll.

My heart goes out to you- you shouldn't have this new anxiety layered on top of this struggle.

IMO- this C may not be getting the full story from your H. Or he's just an AS$. Either way, find someone new for C.
I wish you peace and strength.

Stayingstrong15 posted 10/23/2013 12:14 PM

I welcome all advice because it all helps me look at it from different angles... I guess I am just tired of it always being about my parents divorce.. I am also very understanding from a counselors point of view. I understand they are not there to take sides but I wish it was more even about what my pain is. I think it is minimized to a certain extent to protect the one who betrayed. I also realize the counselors don't really know all that went into the infidelities... The lies... The way they treated us... The stds caught from their affairs... I could go on and on

standingonmarble posted 10/23/2013 12:17 PM

I wonder if your WH isn't quite right. What I mean by that is that I have read many a story about people with personality disorders manipulating therapy to make themselves look like the rational one and the BS as the crazy one.

He had dozen other women???? Arrogant to say the least IMO.

I say spend more time solo and less joint sessions. And why isn't YOUR therapist support and defending you during these sessions? Why isn't WH being put on the spot for what HE did???

Stayingstrong15 posted 10/23/2013 12:29 PM

That is what it feels like alot. Manipulation. The counselor says well do u not think he's being honest because he has been with me. My husband looks like the perfect one doing everything you should do. It leaves me all confused just like he did in our marriage. He makes me feel like the crazy one. I do believe someone who has that many women while married has deeper issues ... Self entitlement or something.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/23/2013 13:57 PM

That's crap. Fire the counselor. My dad cheated on my mom too but I don't ever even think about it.All I think about is H and I.

sisoon posted 10/23/2013 15:09 PM

because I have past wounds this is making the pain deeper than it would normally be

That sounds like a profound statement, but it's meaningless, for at least 2 reasons.

First, what the hell is 'normal pain' from infidelity?

Second, who of us doesn't have 'past wounds'?

And at a very basic level, why aren't these Cs addressing the A? Why don't they realize you can't work on basic issues when one (or both) clients is suffering from his/her heart being torn out?

Staying, You're right about what you need in joint counseling/MC, and these folks aren't giving it to you. They're slowing your recovery.

It may be worth talking to your IC before you dump 'em, though. Just lay out your discomfort with what's been going on. If she responds well, the process may turn around and be a good one for you. If she starts defending the process she's following, dump her. Seriously - you know what's better for you than she does.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

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