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LadyYoga posted 10/23/2013 11:16 AM

My FIL was just diagnosed. It SUCKS. I am trying to be supportive and hide my feelings and how this is triggering me. OW and my H bonded all because my MIL died of cancer and OW mom had cancer at the time of the A. She confided in him and leaned on him..blah blah..it's in my journal. But I am so scared that when she finds out his dad has cancer she will reach out to him. It's been over 3 years and no contact between them. Not even suspicions. But I don't trust her. My paranoia is making me nuts.

Card posted 10/23/2013 11:28 AM

I am trying to be supportive

This is great.

and hide my feelings and how this is triggering me

This is not great!

How can you expect your H to be one with you, protect & love you, when you refuse to be honest with him?

Withholding your fears drives a wedge between the two of you. Being willing to share this information with your H will allow him to accept your comfort/support and you'll allow him to re-assure you in the process.

Honesty & transparency need to be at an even higher level of awareness when crisis strikes.

BTW, it's NOT paranoia, it's a painful reality you experienced that you want to be assured you'll be protected from in the future.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/23/2013 11:53 AM

totally legit feelings and fears. This is a very triggery situation based on past experiences. (FYI, i feel you, OW was my friend as well, and we live right down the street, see her often, if not daily)

But i agree with card.....be supportive but don't stuff your feelings. these are very real fears and this is a time when the 2 of you need to lean on eachother for support. Reinforce to your H that you dont have suspicions...but that you are in a rough place and need his support and reassurance.

So sorry for the diagnosis. sending prayers your way.

topperoff22 posted 10/23/2013 15:30 PM

How can you expect your H to be one with you, protect & love you, when you refuse to be honest with him?

Whoa..hang on there. sometimes it is better to journal these feelings out before confronting or telling the WS about it. This is a bit harsh if you ask me. Processing through your feelings first and deciding a couple days from now if it is really a valid worry might be better. It may not seem like a big worry to you a couple days from now as it does at the moment. Feelings change. We shouldn't always act on how we FEEL. Sometimes some common sense is needed to. If she hasn't contacted him in three years..she most likely isn't going to do it now. Or something like that since I don't know the full situation.

sri624 posted 10/23/2013 18:05 PM

i am sorry about your fil.

i will say that even though your h received this horrible news, is not license to "confide" in the ow....regardless of the situation. that really has nothing to do with the ow...it has to do with your h. if the ow contacts him, then he should let you know, and together you both decide if you would go nc or not. nc is always best.

i wouldnt "ease up", shut down, drown out, or waver in your expectations of what is a healthy boundary in your m....or healing based on this horrible news.

i feel like i am being harsh writing this...but i just dont want your feelings to be compromised during this painful time. you know what i mean?

LadyYoga posted 10/23/2013 21:03 PM

Thanks all. I truly believe he has zero interest in her and will handle it appropriately if she does reach out. After today's antics (see my post in general) I think he knows she is nuts.