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When to stop checking?

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Yakamishi posted 10/23/2013 11:22 AM

We are 13 months. We had a bit of fighting lately. We had a long talk and tried to lay out our feelings. (Very difficult thing for WW). But she had said she sometimes feels like a child, whereas I am always checking up on her. Cell phone, pocket book, time leaving work etc. She's never complained before, and in fact she's been quite great about it. This is the first time she even hinted at it being uncomfortable.

so my question is, at what point do you start letting go, or loosening up the reigns?

rachelc posted 10/23/2013 11:46 AM

yakamishi - I am a former WW. I will never be uncomfortable if my husband wants to check on me. I don't get it that people get upset over this. I do NOT need privacy, I understand mistrust lasts a long time... 13 months is no where near long enough for this to go away...

Lionne posted 10/23/2013 11:52 AM

You stop checking when you no longer need to. I still check from time to time, but more importantly, my SAFWH checks in with ME. He is preemptive when going somewhere, spending money unexpectedly, etc. He recognizes that he was the one who blew the holes in the boat and needs to build the trust and understands that the need to check may always be part of my healing.

Infidelity is such a trauma. I strongly suggest she read a bit more about this so she understand what you are going through. It's not really about treating her like a child. It's about rebuilding the trust bonds between you.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Mc Donald

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/23/2013 12:02 PM

Everything Kat said.

you start letting go/loosening the reins when feels right to you. There is no time limit. It is about when you feel comfortable. For some, its months...for some, years.

For me, i dont check as often(10 months out) ...but i do still check...randomly and whenever i feel like i need to.

I think part of feeling able to let go is dependent on how well things are going in R. Is there transparency? Open and honest communication? Does your WW do things to make you feel safe...checking in, providing reassurances, etc? Is she working hard on herself? All these things contribute to creating a healing environment. And that takes time. As much time as you need it to.

hugs to you

Rebreather posted 10/23/2013 12:14 PM

I am over 6 years out.

Yesterday my husband called me to let me know he was leaving work an hour early to do x, y, z and place a, b, and c.

It's just a way of life for us know. It's not childish or me parenting him. It's a level of respect with both show for one another - our whereabouts, activities, etc. My actions affect his life and vice versa. He can look through anything of mine and I his. It's a new way of living which has become ingrained in us. I like it.

agreensleeve posted 10/23/2013 12:14 PM

It's been 4 years and I still check. Not as often, but I check. My FWH knows that I will never trust him 100%. I wish I could, but I can't. Maybe the word is I won't instead of can't. Regardless, you stop checking when you feel you can trust your WW 100%. When your WW is ready to accept that what she did is the reason that you are doing what you need to do. It took my FWH a couple of years to realize that just because I know doesn't mean everything will go back as is.

Your WW needs to understand that part of the healing process is allowing the BS to check on the WS whenever, wherever. This is what helps to rebuild trust, honesty, love, and everything else that goes with a committed relationship.

She feels like a child because she is still acting like a child and hasn't fully accepted responsibility for her actions. It may take a while for her to fully comprehend that what you do is based on what she did.

struggling3 posted 10/23/2013 12:38 PM

At over two years out my H continues to tell me I can look at anything at anytime and it doesn't bother him in the least. I'd like to think he really gets the fact that "trust but verify" is now and might always be a part of our lives.

Yakamishi posted 10/23/2013 12:56 PM

To be clear, she is absolutely transparent. (Well, heh, as much as I can see.) She calls me, checks in, texts, even asks if I would feel ok about something outside of the norm before doing it.

My thing is, I believe it's both of our responsibilities to make the other feel comfortable. 100%? No, no way. Not after the affair. But if I'm doing something that I can mitigate. Or at least not appear so blatantly untrusting, I would like to do that.

I'm just trying to be more ....civil...about it. Without putting my trust on the line again so soon. I guess I'm looking for the baby steps. I do check less and less. IE cell records. I used to check daily during those first several weeks. Then monthly, and now about evry other month. Her cell....more like every other day. Her pocket book...the same.

I guess I'm trying to ween myself off. Just don't know how. Do I feel safe? Welll, let me put it this way....I "think" I'm safe. But I have that fear that I may not be. Somedays the fear is on high alert. Others, it's a whisper and barely there.

Sigh. Very long ramble. sorry for the rant.

Yakamishi posted 10/23/2013 12:59 PM

And ya, The "Trust but verify" is a very prominent part of my life. And will always be. I just got to get her to understand it. And I mean truly understand it. As in, not just that it happens, but the why it happens.

heartache101 posted 10/23/2013 13:04 PM

I will never stop looking and verifying.
If he doesnt like it there is the door bye bye.
Why would your FWS not want you to feel safe? If checking makes you feel safe and in the here and now! What is she afraid of?

BelleStar posted 10/23/2013 13:59 PM

I stopped checking just this week...as walked out the front door for the last time.

When its over you stop checking.

sisoon posted 10/23/2013 14:58 PM

Are you checking to be punitive or to maintain your comfort level? In other words, is your checking an action take 'against her' or for you'?

I expect you doing this for you, not against her - make sure you make that clear.

Also, I suggest asking your W to deal with her 'feeling like a child' in IC. If you're checking to maintain your comfort level, you're not being a policeman or a controlling parent, but she's responding as if you are. Her problem, not yours, but she'll build up resentment against you, and you'll both suffer, unless she solves it.

topperoff22 posted 10/23/2013 15:31 PM

I have no idea. I just keep checking -- partially because I don't feel I have the whole truth.

sri624 posted 10/23/2013 18:00 PM

i have been in r for almost a year now, and i still check regularly. he went to get a massage last week, and i called the place to see if he was there. he was. he said he heard the receptionist verify. he has no problem with me checking on him...so that he can rebuild trust.

the minute he started questioning me checking on him would be a red flad. btdt. everything should be an open book. and why should i trust him? for what? he has cheated, and for a long time. that trust doesnt come back overnight. this is my life, and feelings at stake. he should be happy to be transparent and an open book.

i will stop checking when i feel i can trust him. i dont now. hey, he can check on me too.

if he ever had an "issue" with me checking up on him, he can get another m.

plainpain posted 10/23/2013 18:25 PM

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Trust is so, so hard to rebuild. We made some different decisions immediately after the A. My H no longer has a cell phone - he gave it to me and asked me to smash it. He no longer has a computer. If he needs one, he uses mine. We moved out of province, got a new unlisted phone number. These were all initiatives that he took, because he recognized that he had a problem with being deceptive. I check through his wallet sometimes, I check through his pockets sometimes, I check the credit card and bank statements always. If he is going to be deceptive again, he is going to have to go to a lot of trouble to do it. If I get that 'off' feeling, or a reddish looking flag goes up, I address it immediately. He is fine with all of that, and if it bothers him that is something he deals with in himself. He is the one who broke trust. I am the one who allowed myself to be deceived. Never again.

Having said that, I don't know if it's different for men and women. The idea of him rummaging around through my purse... I don't know. I might not have a thing in the world to hide, but it would probably still feel 'violating' to me on some level. Like, that's where I keep my 'crap', you know? Plus, I write a lot of emotional stuff down on scraps of paper, and some of it is very hateful stuff I wouldn't want him ever to read. So I would understand if your W might have some small irritation once in awhile, even though she did it to herself and she probably is more than happy to let you do what you need to do to rebuild the trust.

I don't know if it's about not 'checking' anymore - I think it's about living a life of transparency and brutal honesty, so that there just isn't anything hidden. You don't have to look under a rock if there's no rocks around, you know?

Clarrissa posted 10/23/2013 20:19 PM

Another FWW here. I have no problem with my H checking. I don't know if he still does but if so then he does. My phone is where he can get to it at all times. If he wants to see my tablet, I hand it over (it's my primary computer). I'm also proactive in checking in with him. If I leave work early, I'll text him with a "Got cut loose early" and tell him I'm waiting for the bus, sometimes even what bus I'm waiting for since there are a few I could take to get home - two from work and a transfer to any one of three. He can independently verify this with my paystub since it shows clock in/out times. Only HR or a supervisor can alter those.
Okay, enough rambling. As others have said, you stop checking when you feel you don't need to. Your WW needs to understand that it was her choice to have an A that put you in the position of needing to check in the first place.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:20 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

IDeserveMore posted 10/23/2013 20:56 PM

I'd say it may never stop. It might just be with less frequency. And with less strong suspicions when doing so. For me it became a kind of habit. It's so rare that I do it now. But I still do. I NEVER want to be naive like that again.

mchercheur posted 10/23/2013 21:19 PM

2yrs, 5mos, 13 days out:
I still check once in awhile. WH still works in the same building as OW.
I will never trust him 100% again.
It will never be the same again.

Hearthache again posted 10/23/2013 21:26 PM

You may never stop checking. I still do it and I can pretty much say I trust my H again about 90%.

I also know couples that check and verify that have never been touched by infidelity. They decided when they got married to keep everything transparent as a way to affair proof their marriage. I honestly think it is a good idea. My H has access to everything I do. He sees me naked and at my worse, why can't he have access to these areas of my life?

Kelany posted 10/24/2013 07:29 AM

When it feels right for you.

I'm 15 months out from Dday2. I don't check daily or even weekly anymore. I check maybe once a month or so. Over time the need to check has gotten less.

My husband has been very open about this with me once the lies stopped. He lets me use his phone to text for him if he is busy, he asks me to check his email, I pay our phone bill so I can see usage.

The transparency goes both ways for us too. I keep my facebook and email logged in on our joint computer, he can look at anytime if he chose to. I don't have anything to hide.

If I do have a concern, I just ask him about it. That is how I found out about one porn slip he had a few months ago. He's only had one slip in 15 months. I saw a data surge on our phone bill. I asked him and he admitted it immediately. We were able to deal with it right away. He was not angry at me at all.

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