so my question is, at what point do you start letting go, or loosening up the reigns?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
Infidelity is such a trauma. I strongly suggest she read a bit more about this so she understand what you are going through. It's not really about treating her like a child. It's about rebuilding the trust bonds between you.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Mc Donald
you start letting go/loosening the reins when feels right to you. There is no time limit. It is about when you feel comfortable. For some, its months...for some, years.
For me, i dont check as often(10 months out) ...but i do still check...randomly and whenever i feel like i need to.
I think part of feeling able to let go is dependent on how well things are going in R. Is there transparency? Open and honest communication? Does your WW do things to make you feel safe...checking in, providing reassurances, etc? Is she working hard on herself? All these things contribute to creating a healing environment. And that takes time. As much time as you need it to.
hugs to you
Yesterday my husband called me to let me know he was leaving work an hour early to do x, y, z and place a, b, and c.
It's just a way of life for us know. It's not childish or me parenting him. It's a level of respect with both show for one another - our whereabouts, activities, etc. My actions affect his life and vice versa. He can look through anything of mine and I his. It's a new way of living which has become ingrained in us. I like it.
Your WW needs to understand that part of the healing process is allowing the BS to check on the WS whenever, wherever. This is what helps to rebuild trust, honesty, love, and everything else that goes with a committed relationship.
She feels like a child because she is still acting like a child and hasn't fully accepted responsibility for her actions. It may take a while for her to fully comprehend that what you do is based on what she did.
My thing is, I believe it's both of our responsibilities to make the other feel comfortable. 100%? No, no way. Not after the affair. But if I'm doing something that I can mitigate. Or at least not appear so blatantly untrusting, I would like to do that.
I'm just trying to be more ....civil...about it. Without putting my trust on the line again so soon. I guess I'm looking for the baby steps. I do check less and less. IE cell records. I used to check daily during those first several weeks. Then monthly, and now about evry other month. Her cell....more like every other day. Her pocket book...the same.
I guess I'm trying to ween myself off. Just don't know how. Do I feel safe? Welll, let me put it this way....I "think" I'm safe. But I have that fear that I may not be. Somedays the fear is on high alert. Others, it's a whisper and barely there.
Sigh. Very long ramble. sorry for the rant.
When its over you stop checking.
I expect you doing this for you, not against her - make sure you make that clear.
Also, I suggest asking your W to deal with her 'feeling like a child' in IC. If you're checking to maintain your comfort level, you're not being a policeman or a controlling parent, but she's responding as if you are. Her problem, not yours, but she'll build up resentment against you, and you'll both suffer, unless she solves it.
the minute he started questioning me checking on him would be a red flad. btdt. everything should be an open book. and why should i trust him? for what? he has cheated, and for a long time. that trust doesnt come back overnight. this is my life, and feelings at stake. he should be happy to be transparent and an open book.
i will stop checking when i feel i can trust him. i dont now. hey, he can check on me too.
if he ever had an "issue" with me checking up on him, he can get another m.
Having said that, I don't know if it's different for men and women. The idea of him rummaging around through my purse... I don't know. I might not have a thing in the world to hide, but it would probably still feel 'violating' to me on some level. Like, that's where I keep my 'crap', you know? Plus, I write a lot of emotional stuff down on scraps of paper, and some of it is very hateful stuff I wouldn't want him ever to read. So I would understand if your W might have some small irritation once in awhile, even though she did it to herself and she probably is more than happy to let you do what you need to do to rebuild the trust.
I don't know if it's about not 'checking' anymore - I think it's about living a life of transparency and brutal honesty, so that there just isn't anything hidden. You don't have to look under a rock if there's no rocks around, you know?
[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:20 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
I also know couples that check and verify that have never been touched by infidelity. They decided when they got married to keep everything transparent as a way to affair proof their marriage. I honestly think it is a good idea. My H has access to everything I do. He sees me naked and at my worse, why can't he have access to these areas of my life?
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
I'm 15 months out from Dday2. I don't check daily or even weekly anymore. I check maybe once a month or so. Over time the need to check has gotten less.
My husband has been very open about this with me once the lies stopped. He lets me use his phone to text for him if he is busy, he asks me to check his email, I pay our phone bill so I can see usage.
The transparency goes both ways for us too. I keep my facebook and email logged in on our joint computer, he can look at anytime if he chose to. I don't have anything to hide.
If I do have a concern, I just ask him about it. That is how I found out about one porn slip he had a few months ago. He's only had one slip in 15 months. I saw a data surge on our phone bill. I asked him and he admitted it immediately. We were able to deal with it right away. He was not angry at me at all.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking