I’m just really tired. Sorry, for the posting frenzy, but I figure this is a lot less destructive than anything else. I don’t know if I’m done or if it’s just the antiversary season. I did post that I want to create a safe environment for WS to speak on what happened, and I try to tell him that I post things when I am looking for advice. Sometimes, I forget, but I think I’ve attempted to keep him informed of what I’m posting, who’s commented, etc. I’m trying, but this is antiversary season (D-days, oh boy!) and it’s like he’s just regressed.
I get it: he did this; it’s hard on him. He triggers. It sucks.
But at the same token, I keep feeling like my feelings and my needs just aren’t being met. Yes, this time period is amplifying everything. Yes, seeing me wake up every morning with the same depressed, distressed look is weighing on him.
But I am just friggin’ TIRED.
I know, I know that I posted about creating a safe space for him, but dammit, what about me! What about MY safe space? I know that’s selfish; I am a madhatter; I have to be cognizant of his needs too, but fuck all if I am not FRIGGIN TIRED OF BEING COGNIZANT OF HIS NEEDS! I’ve been that way for a while, walking on eggshells sometimes, nervous about the response I’m going to get if I try and tell him how I feel.
I am no saint; sometimes, I blow up. Nowadays, it’s been more often than not. I try to reel my anger in, but dammit, I don’t CARE if he’s conflict avoidant. I don’t CARE if he’s uncomfortable. I got fucked over! I got cheated on! Some days, some weeks, I just can’t BE Ms. Super Patient sometimes. I am hurting here! I am seriously fucking hurting and him just avoiding things because it’s uncomfortable is making me sick at my fucking desk right now, holding back tears.
Yes, I blew up at him on my text messages to him and told him if he wants his freedom, he can walk. I spilled my angry guts out at him and told him that I was a damn good person and I lost myself in all of this and I just want to be in an authentic relationship with a fellow authentic human being, warts and all. He asked me about OM, and I just spewed a whole bunch of crap at him that I’ve been holding in about my own A, because FUCK, YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT SUDDENLY, WHEN I AM ASKING YOU ABOUT YOURS AND TELLING YOU WHAT YOU DID WRONG, NOW YOU WANT TO BRING UP MY A??!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!
I am just broken. I hurt. I’ve been hurting and I’m just fucking sad, and sad isn’t even a strong enough word to cover what I’m feeling. I just hurt. I want to cry.
