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Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 14:10 PM

Damnit, had this all typed out and don't know what I hit, but it ate it! Anyway... Everything came to a head last night. I finally got my evidence. Emails. Emails saying they wanted to be together, when would they tell the spouses, how they burn for each other. Standard. Him saying he was going to wait and see what she does because he doesn't want to "blow everything up just to be alone". She must have picked her husband because he doesn't want to blow it up. Too late. After a sleepness night on the phone (He left for a business trip) it turns out they are emails from 5 days after they consummated their relationship and about 12 hours after he came home, told me he was having an emotional affair, and then was intimate with me. I finally got it out of him that they slept together (far cry from the "Emotional with a couple of awkward kisses".) It was a couple of hours in a hotel room and they did it twice. I'm not stupid. Fully aware it was more. But that was enough for me. Thinking you know and then confirming it and seeing what he said about me in black and white are so different. I have contacted an attorney to see my options. I go Wednesday for STD test. He will be moving into the spare bedroom when he comes home. He wants me to do counseling, says he wants to save our family and he was stupid, selfish, etc. All the regular stuff. I just keep asking him if he thought about me and our children at all when he was screwing her? Or when he was resting? Or when he screwed her for the second time?

Right now, for me, it is over. This time next year we will be officially divorced. He is holding on that a counselor will be able to fix us. I have zero faith in anything anymore. I have the typical "unworthy, unloveable, low self esteem (she is a marathon runner, I am holding onto 30 lbs of baby weight, although I have lost 6 lbs since Monday. LOL The "been cheated on" diet. Yay), guilty, shameful, etc." feelings. He did finally stop blaming me. I Guess that's progress. Problem is, he's trying to fill a swimming pool with a thimble at this point. I am empty.

I am not a consolation prize! I am so angry right now and hate him so much. I have told him all of this. How I have no hope for our family. Ugh.

kansas1968 posted 10/23/2013 14:18 PM

Just wanted you to know that you are being heard. I know what kind of pain that you are in this close to DDay. It is beyond description. I never knew there was so much pain.
Keep the pressure on him because he is probably still in the fog. He needs to be scared to death that he is losing you and his family at this point.
Having said that, please read the articles in the healing library, get yourself some good books on affairs, and try not to make any decisions set in stone this early in the process. Just remember, you can always leave, you can always get a divorce, so there is no rush.

You will get love and support here. You are not the default. You are the prize, and he will learn how hard it is to win back that prize. Hugs and stay strong.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 14:30 PM

Thank you Kansas! I have agreed to counseling with him (just a couple of minutes ago). I am also getting IC for myself. I am keeping my options open. A small part of me still hangs on to that hope that we can fix it. But it took me telling him I am getting an attorney for it to get this far. The pain is so new. I just keep seeing them together. I feel so sick. I want to believe him so badly when he cries and says he loves me, only me, never stopped loving me, she was just a shiny object, he is selfish, etc. But I just go back to wondering why he couldn't think that when he was having the affair? I feel like I have nothing special with him anymore, he gave her everything I had (minus my beautiful children).

I told him I will take it one day at a time and will not apologize for my feelings, reactions, or actions. I keep telling myself that regardless what he told himself to justify the affair, this is not my fault. It's my new mantra. I still feel like it is my fault, but I will work on changing that.

I told him I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. One month ago he was ready to give up our family. Now all of a sudden we are his world and he can't believe he screwed it up.

Sorry, this is becoming my outlet. My kids are home and if I sit and type I find that I don't break down in tears. It's heart breaking when your almost 3 year old comes up to you and says "Mommy no cry anymore!" I just hate him right now.

hopingforhappy posted 10/23/2013 14:30 PM

No, he was not thinking about you or the children or anything else but himself when he was screwing her. He might have thought about it afterwards, but not for long. It is compartmentalization and it is a very scary thing that WS are able to do. They can box up all of those feelings about their BS and their family and put them on a shelf while they are with the OW. I will never understand it either, but this is what we are dealing with.

If you are done (and you may be) that is fine. You should certainly meet with a lawyer and find out your rights. Unfortunately, you are at the beginning of a very long and painful process. For right now, try to take care of yourself and your children. Give yourself some time and space. You have plenty of time to make a final decision about your M.

We are all here for you. (((Sammy))). This does totally suck, but there is hope for the future.

ETA: "It is not my fault" is an awesome mantra. It is totally true! You are headed in the right direction! Keep plugging!

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 2:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

LMomof2 posted 10/23/2013 14:55 PM

(((HUGS))) and tears that you, me and so many others are going through this.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks everyone. The virtual hugs are helping. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like there has been a death. And their has been. The safe, happy (with normal bumps in a marriage) life is just gone. Never to be seen again. All for a new shiny object? Because he was having a bit of a midlife crisis early? Because I wasn't attentive enough due to maintaining house, a 3 year old, karate lessons, dance lessons, homework, girl scouts, guitar lessons. Ugh. Just Ugh. And he hasn't been happy for five years so this was just a matter of time. He tried to tell me to pay more attention to him, but I was always too busy. I'm sorry, I was looking after our family.

SoVerySadNow posted 10/23/2013 15:01 PM

Post as much as you need to. Read the library here. It helps.

From what I read, she picked her husband and not yours? I'd insist your husband write her a no contact letter that you first read and approve of.
I'd also insist on all passwords to all electronic devices and email accounts. Transparency is a must. You'll discover if they have really broken it off for good, hopefully. see what apps he's been using, and turn on a "find my phone" app to check up on him with.

IC will help. If you don't like the first one you meet with, change. Same goes for MC. They are not one size fits all.

You are processing. It's tough. It feels physically and emotionally bad. Focus on your children. They are the truth.
You are struggling to believe what has happened. It takes time. No decisions are necessary, as has been said.

Try to eat and sleep. Hydrate. You can't think clearly otherwise and it just spirals into more pain. Try to get outside with your kids- allow yourself a break.
Allow yourself to cry too.
So many of us have cried rivers of tears down the drain if the shower so the kids don't hear.

So sorry you had to join the club.

Edited to add: No! Do not look for ways to blame yourself. There are healthy, productive ways that ge should have used to solve whatever he was feeling. Infidelity is always unacceptable. You have no blame in his stepping outside the marriage.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 3:04 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Reality posted 10/23/2013 15:16 PM

SoVerySad is exactly right - DO NOT blame yourself for him choosing this.

He is every bit responsible for his relationship with that "shiny object" (wow, just wow - objectification all around). Life happens. Schedules happen. Adjustments can be made that don't involve sleazy hotel trysts.

You'll hear from dozens and dozens of wronged spouses who literally waited on their husbands/wives/SO hand and foot and still got cheated on.

This really has nothing to do with YOU and everything to with HIM.

((Sammy)) Stay mad. I don't think is this is all played out. You are not a fall back choice. Document very bit of email or text that you can. He's going to keep spinning info until he is backed into a wall of undeniable proof.

Snowy posted 10/23/2013 15:26 PM

I am not a consolation prize!

So true

kra127 posted 10/23/2013 16:12 PM

Sammy 2013 yes you are right, we are going through very similar situations. Reading through you post, I feel like I wrote it. My husband is saying the same EXACT things, "I'm sorry", "It didn't mean anything when I was with her", "I know I was selfish" blah, blah, blah. Never in my life did I picture myself having to worry about my husband sleeping with someone else or me having to get STD testing. How did you get into your husbands email? I'm still trying to do that because I feel like there's probably more to the story. I'm sorry.

Sammy2013 posted 10/23/2013 16:28 PM

Kra, honestly, I got lucky. I logged onto his Mac book to jump on to check the status of a check clearing. He hardly ever used that computer (he's in IT so hard evidence is hard). All of his emails logged in. Never happened before. It was a sign as far as I was concerned.

lloyddobler posted 10/23/2013 18:16 PM

Sammy, so sorry to hear about this. Everything I've been reading trying to figure out what I wanted to do after discovering my WW's PA this past weekend says that WSs might sound regretful even if they're not remorseful. I still don't know what I want to do, nor am I convinced that my WW is remorseful, so can't offer any perspective on what might distinguish regret from remorse.

But I can say that if you don't want to be with this guy, then don't! You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't owe him anything. I know you said you feel alone right now, and both reconciliation and divorce are difficult roads to face, but it doesn't seem to me that there's any sense in trying to force yourself to want to be in reconciliation with someone who acts this way.

Besides you don't actually have to decide right now (though others on the site will be able to give better advice about how to protect yourself legally so you can keep both options on the table for yourself). But, in any case, I can tell from what you say about yourself that you aren't someone who will let others treat you like a doormat. So, if you do decide you might just be able to give this guy a second chance, you've already got a good start on the 180.

Stay strong, sister.

Scientist posted 10/24/2013 03:48 AM

Sammy2013, you are absolutely right, you are not a consolation prize! Remember, "they always affair down". In this case, even if this woman was a fit marathon runner she was also a tramp with no scruples, totally unable to think beyond self-gratification. Please remember that you are much, much better than that.

MJane posted 10/24/2013 04:18 AM

Sammy - just wanted to say that am in your shoes and feeling the same over-whelming sadness and anger. My H cheated on me at late stage in pregnancy and I have days when I think - how the hell could he do that to me and his son. Of course the OW can be more attractive and alluring - she comes in bite size sexy available pieces at times when we are wiping up, changing nappies and handling the daily things that real life has in store. What other posters have said is so true - you are not the consolation prize (what I said to my H is "I am not something you get to "settle" for - I'm a smart, attractive, funny and kind human being who deserved better than this crap". I waver every day between leaving (thinking i will never trust the man who was capable of such deceit) to staying (seeing signs of real remorse, seeing glimmers of "us" as we were and seeing my son with us as a family). I have no idea where I will end up - am six weeks in today post Dday - but am taking the good advice from SI friends and my IC that I should stop tormenting myself with having to reach a decision and let myself reach it in my own good time given so much is at stake. I send you strength and hope you get some time for yourself

Sammy2013 posted 10/24/2013 05:33 AM

Wow, just when I think I am making progress, SMACK!!!! Another trickle truth. He told me they slept together twice. Letting me believe that both times were one month ago, on the same night. Only to find out that the second time was last week. Last week. After he had looked me in the eye and said it was over. Last week after a family vacation. Last week. Slowly spinning out if control....

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 06:02 AM


This just doesn't want to end. Why? Did he say why? So it sounds like the affair is continuing. A week ago - you knew a week ago, didn't you? He was already denying it was physical a week ago, and now not only was it physical, but it was physical again after you found out about their relationship.

Where are you right now sweetheart? Are you home? Is he traveling? Are you leaving him, or throwing him out?'

You are right - you are NOT a consolation prize! He is behaving as if you are his toy, and he can play with you or with another - whatever he wants. He is hiding and lying, and making you crazy.

I'm glad he finally admitted there was nothing wrong with your intimate moments with him. He's a real ass for even saying that at all. But this - this is too much. A week ago?

I know you are a mom. Can you get away from him for a little while? If you want to not be near him, do you have somewhere to go?

Remember Sammy - you can't 'nice' your way back into a good marriage. There are thousands of stories of a BS trying to be 'nice' and 'understanding' and hoping their spouse realizes that they really love the BS and not the AP. These stories almost always end with the WS continuing the A. Why not? There's been no consequence. They have a spouse that is basically letting them have an A, and an AP that knows they are married, so they can cake-eat all they want. And they usually want to do this until one of the two 'loves' says they are leaving. They won't make that choice because they like the situation. Sick, but cheaters are very selfish when cheating.

In the process, the BS becomes 'weak' and 'needy' in the eyes of the WS, and that is nothing but unattractive. The BS seems desperate, while the AP continues to get the full story, even hearing the WSs real thoughts on the BS, and will use that information to be what the WS wants. In these situations where the BS tries to wait it out, the BS usually ends up without the spouse. Now, I'm not saying the spouse is any prize at all. But, if you desire a reconciliation, you must be strong.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to walk away from it. You must take away one of his options. Difficult, because even in the face of such horrors, you love him. We all understand. Love doesn't just shut off when we are hurt. But you must. You must be willing to lose your marriage. You simply stop your relationship with him. Leave, or have him leave. Tell him you're filing for D, and then file. You can always retract the filing, but you need him to know you are completely serious, and you are ending this nightmare. It is now where he will see what is really important - what he really cares about. If he doesn't want to R, then you are already a few steps ahead in the process.

Also, it's time to 180, hard. Read the 180 and live by it. Do NOT be someone that is slowing drowning because of his actions. He is not you, and you aren't going to let his actions destroy you. You are better than that. You are worth more than that Sammy - much more.

I can't imagine the pain you are in, probably just as much at this point from the lies and things that are coming out of his mouth. He should understand that his behavior now, after DDay, will stay with you forever. It hurts the marriage in the future, and it hurts you forever.

He's not hiding the truth to spare your feelings, btw. He may be telling you or himself that, but he's trying to hide from having to admit he's a lowly snake that cheats. He doesn't want to admit that he did such disgusting things. That's the thing about As. They may seem fun and thrilling while happening, oddly no one wants to discuss what they did in an affair. Hmmmm, wonder why?

So Sammy, it's time to start making some hard decisions. TT is bad. A week ago is disgusting.

We will support you whatever your decision. We are here, always. I hope you decide you are worth more than for your H to have an ongoing affair.

Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it seems like this nightmare will never end


Bobbi_sue posted 10/24/2013 06:42 AM

He is holding on that a counselor will be able to fix us.
While many swear by the miracles worked by counselors, I believe 99% of fixing a person comes from within themselves and their desire to be a better person, and "fix" things. A counselor can be one of many tools to help that happen but I don't see them as miracle workers like others do.

try not to make any decisions set in stone this early in the process. Just remember, you can always leave, you can always get a divorce, so there is no rush.
For me, indecisiveness actually causes depression and I cannot stand to live in limbo. I have to have a plan for my life going forward, even though I remain flexible that my plan can change with new knowledge or for whatever reason. While of course you may take as long as you wish to make any decisions, waiting months and years is not something that I recommend, but that is just me. I filed for a D from my first H two days after the final D-day and never looked back. I'm so glad I did not waste another day.

If you get a D and somehow he still woos you back, you can always get remarried, too! This is one reason that I am not all for holding off making a decision for such a long time: You can almost always go back and do something else if you both decide the decision was wrong. I think it is better to be proactive in life, doing things to go forward, than to stay in limbo and feeling constantly horrible because you don't know what to do about it.

Sammy2013 posted 10/24/2013 06:53 AM

I am filing as soon as I can talk to my attorney. He is on a. Business trip. He truth seems to come out when he is away. I was spinning out a but last night and he called me to help. I asked him to. I was doing the "why, how could you do this" crying thing. He was doing the ass kissing, I'm a selfish idiot thing. Then he mush have slipped because I stopped and asked questions. You know the routine from there. The stuttering. The being angry at me for keeping a time line, the gas lighting.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly cry more. I do. I feel like my heart is just a pile of sand now. It's been broken so many times. Now it's just waiting to be blown away forever.

betrayedme2 posted 10/24/2013 08:18 AM

Sammy, hang in there. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. It truly sucks what you're going through. Please try not to look at yourself that way, babyfat or no baby fat. You're NOT a consolation prize, and you KNOW that. Glad to hear you say that!!

No one here will judge you for what you do or don't do. It took me probably 7 months to talk with an attorney after dday. I actually came out of the meeting feeling more optimistic that I could work things out. Talk to an attorney, know the process, file for D if you like. But like many have said, take the time to think out and anticipate the future results of your actions....I know, unlike he did. If you decide it's what's best for you and your family. Blessings to you. But do take the time to stand back and give though and not make knee jerk reactions based soley on emotions. I know it's hard. Believe me, we ALL know it's hard.

We're hear to listen, you're not alone.

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 10:12 AM

You know the routine from there. The stuttering. The being angry at me for keeping a time line, the gas lighting.

We do, unfortunately. Being angry for keeping a timeline is my fav I think. Oh, I'm sorry - did I remember the details of you destroying my world? How mean of me to actually pay attention.

The actions of those that are hiding something are so ridiculous. Saying "I didn't say that". Right. So I just wasn't listening. What was on TV was much more interesting to me. They just don't get it. They want us to believe them at face value. Sorry - those days are long gone.

Sammy, I'm so sorry. He just wants to keep his marriage even though he won't stop seeing her apparently.

Did he even try to justify why he was even speaking to her, let alone having sex, after you knew of his affair? Why isn't he NC?

Sammy, you do exactly what you want to do here. If that means ending it, then you do that. If it means reconciling, you do that. Right now, I would recommend filing (as you are doing) to let him know you are NOT kidding, and you will NOT accept his actions. If he wants to keep his family after that, he will work for it. Right now he thinks he's going to talk his way around this affair, that's clear.

I cannot believe he was with her a week ago. Sammy that is just so sad. You'll get through this - you will. It won't be easy, and it sucks that he's forcing you to do this, but you will absolutely get through it.

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