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Exit Wounds posted 10/23/2013 14:30 PM

So I had this talk w/ my mother the other day. She says that I am at fault for checking up on my husband and trying to force him to stop his cheating. If I only had understood that "men cheat" my kids would still have their father in their lives. But *I* had to check on him. *I* had to press him to give up his whores and I should have allowed him to have his whores. Then, my kids would have a solid family with a mother and a father.

Your thoughts?

ETA She was married for 48 years to my father who freely cheated inc. sent one of his whores and my mother to the U.S. to visit me.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

gma56 posted 10/23/2013 14:46 PM

Maybe in her and other's world,cheating is just part of being married. My vows said otherwise and I believed in what I vowed to FT.

If you knew that cheating was acceptable and likely you would have chosen differently. (never married)The kids wouldn't have to be from a divorced family because you never would have brought kids into the relationship.

Kudos to Mom for staying married to a liar and cheater. It's nothing I would admire.
Hugs
Consider the fact Mom is from a generation that stayed together no matter what was wrong. Infidelity and abuse were rampant in many homes for us babyboomers growing up. NO ONE talked about it. That, in my opinion, is so much worse than coming from a single parent family.

nowiknow23 posted 10/23/2013 14:50 PM

I'm really trying not to speak ill of people I've never met, so I won't print my real response to that, except to say that I VEHEMENTLY disagree.

Cheese house, EW - what a thing to have to hear from your own mother. She's absolutely wrong, you know. In case you ever let that voice in your head, I need you to hear another voice yelling it down - WRONG!

((((((EW))))))

Phoenix1 posted 10/23/2013 14:52 PM

That is just fucked up!

Where I come from that is called accepting an open marriage, which is fine if both parties are in agreement to that particular lifestyle. However, it cannot be one-sided. That is called infidelity, and I did not sign on for that nor did I ever suggest that I would blindly accept it and "look the other way." What a load of crap and totally misplaced blame for your mother to heap on your shoulders! YOU didn't blow up your family, your cheating spouse did!

chikastuff posted 10/23/2013 14:54 PM

The sins of our parents are not something that we're obligated to repeat.

What she's saying is akin to telling you to stay in an abusive marriage because respectful people don't do divorce. It's bullshit and you don't have to listen to it. Please don't listen to it.

Unfortunately she's likely seeing a lot of herself and her situation in what's going on with you right now. Her defense mechanism is to encourage you to take the path she took because that's the only way she knows and because to send you in another direction would means she's flawed. It's nothing more than an attempt at self preservation.

You are your own person. You're stronger than codependence and you can and should break free.

EvenKeel posted 10/23/2013 14:54 PM

That conversation is all about her making herself feel better about the life she had.

I am sorry.

7yrsflushed posted 10/23/2013 15:04 PM

Sorry Exit Wounds. This sucks but to have your own family placing blame as well is another level of shit you don't need. My parents have been supportive but had my Mother said to me what your told you I would have responded with, since Mom doesn't understand that she is supposed to suport her children maybe the kids won't have Grandma in there lives either. Maybe she would change her tune then.

Sorry stuff like this pisses me off when people that are supposed to be in your corner aren't.

Undefinabl3 posted 10/23/2013 15:07 PM

I am so glad that whatever Koolaid that your mom drank never got passed onto you.

suckstobeme posted 10/23/2013 15:30 PM

She's from a generation of women who had virtually no choice. They stayed because there was no way to leave. They demanded nothing from their husbands as long as there was a roof over their heads, and food on the table. They used this to justify and rationalize away the fact that their husbands were abusive, lying, cheating bastards.

We no longer live in that generation and, therefore, we no longer have to view marriage as just a means to an end.

Unfortunately, your mother has not evolved. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and, as the vows say, spouses are supposed to be faithful. Why bother without fidelity?

I 100% agree with the prior poster who said that this is just a way for your mother to feel better about her own bad situation. She wants to break you down and make you feel weak for demanding more of your husband because she couldn't or wouldn't do that herself.

Please know that this is all on him. The break up of your M and your family is all his fault. You expected respect in your marriage, which is what we all deserve. You expected fidelity because this is what he promised and it's what we all deserve. The fact that he couldn't deliver and didn't want to participate in a real, honest, loving union is NOT your fault.

I don't know that I would be able to be around my mom if she spewed such unsupportive garbage at me during the most difficult time of my life.

I'm so sorry. None of what she says is true.

realitybites posted 10/23/2013 15:41 PM

I agree that this is a whole other generation. Women now are many times making just as much money if not more then the husband. Women are graduating college in greater numbers then men.

The world where men ruled and could do whatever they wanted and disrespect the woman at home who took care of everything and who raised their children is not the norm anymore. Women have choices and they don't have to sit there a take it anymore.

Your mother sadly is giving you horrible advice. I hope you find happiness and joy with whatever you want to do and not feel less then at home because of a man who is out screwing other women while you are at home waiting for him.

SBB posted 10/23/2013 16:00 PM

I cannot imagine being so detached from my emotions that I would even think this let alone say it to one of my daughters.

Then, my kids would have a solid family with a mother and a father.

Modelling atrocious behaviour.

What kind of mother is she being right now? Doesn't sound very 'solid' to me.

Not only is life different for women but also for men. They weren't able to get divorced without massively impacting their lives. They would often lose their children and it was not as socially accepted as it is today.

I'm so sorry EW. I can't imagine hearing this from my own mother.

Exit Wounds posted 10/23/2013 16:00 PM

I really appreciate all you guys' responses!
My mother is a M.D. She is highly regarded in her field and made more money than my dad, who happened to be a psychiatrist (of all things) So the theory of her staying for the roof over her head is not the case. She said "I had a very expensive husband at home." Meaning SHE paid his way. I asked her WHY did you stay she said b/c she loved him.

I have to say I was stunned when she said its my fault that he left. It hurt me deeply b/c I don't want to be blamed for him. After all, I gave him chance after chance. The straw that broke the camels back is when one of his whores came up pregnant.

I am so greatful that you guys disagree with her. I have to admit for a split second I thought..."wow, it IS my fault".

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 4:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

laney57 posted 10/23/2013 16:04 PM

I'm sorry. She has a right to her opinion on her life and how it worked. Shame on her for not supporting you with her very few wods.
You know that's just nutty. Hugs!

nowiknow23 posted 10/23/2013 16:08 PM

I have to admit for a split second I thought..."wow, it IS my fault".
Oh, honey. Not at all your fault. I hate that you felt that way, even for just a second. (((((Exit Wounds)))))

Reality posted 10/23/2013 16:42 PM

Not to be flip, but best response:

Dead pan face:

"Mom, you were part of the Free Love movement?"

Different generation, major projection. ((Exit)) Not your fault ever. Raising children to be healthy rather than vehicles to carry on "tradition" makes you a great parent.

Tripletrouble posted 10/23/2013 18:47 PM

Just wow. I would also point out previous generations didn't have to worry about HIV, Hep C,, HPV, or even herpes until the early 80's. Tolerating it now can be life threatening.

Take2 posted 10/23/2013 19:10 PM

My mom stepped out of high school and into WWII. When she was raising us kids (8 of us, and a couple foster kids sprinkled in) she learned that her best friend's husband (who also had 8 kids) was cheating on her.

My mom told my Dad then and there, that if he ever cheated, she would never tell him that she knew - he'd just wake up one day to find he was raising 8 kids -- alone.

She morphed from mom into a very successful business woman at age 50, and is 90 y/o now. Not all of that generation thought they were stuck. If you ever need to borrow her - she still has enough spunk to go around!

Hang tough - my mom would be proud!

SeanFLA posted 10/23/2013 20:04 PM

My mom said..."I can't believe you didn't belt her one when you found out...as most guys probably would do."

Definately something there from the older generation because I would never raise a finger to her. Not that I didn't want to grab her by the collar a few times and throw her out of the house when my son was in obvious pain and she had zero emotion.

Jrazz posted 10/23/2013 20:09 PM

My mom said the same thing. She also said I should let him go to strip clubs more.

Different era - different planet... whatever it is, they aren't based in OUR reality.

(((Exit Wounds)))

Mr. Kite posted 10/23/2013 20:31 PM

Exit Wounds - sorry you have to go through even more pain inflicted by someone who should have your back and not make you feel even worse.

After D-Day 1 my mom told me that my dad had cheated on her as well, and that I should stay with WW and raise our son, no matter what. In other words, "If I had to do it, you have to do it too." When the same thing happened years later to my younger brother, her baby boy, she changed her tune to "I'll kill her if I ever get my hands on her." Warped thinking is not necessarily generational.

The irony is that my mom didn't get along at all with WW until after D-Day 1, then they were like best chums. The day my mom passed away, WW was practically inconsolable. I've learned not to share my pain with family members or friends. I only do that here on this site. This is why SI is so important to me.

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