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I canít stop him from seeing her

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IrishGirlVA posted 10/23/2013 15:15 PM

This is my first post. My DDay was in June but it has taken me this long to finally come here for advice and some perspective. Also, he and I are not married with no children between us and I felt as if our ďlevelĒ of infidelity is nothing in comparison to most of you who are married with (or without) children.

When I first met my WxBF, he had an infant daughter with his ex. They never married but the child was planned. They lived together but shortly after his daughter was born they ended their relationship and she and his daughter moved in with her parents to a tiny apartment. His ex is not originally from the United States. Last year she told my WxBF that she and their daughter were going to visit extended family in Guatemala. This was only supposed to be a temporary visit (2 months) but when she tried to return to the U.S. she was denied entry because she did not complete her citizenship papers correctly. Apparently this process can take years. So she and his daughter have been down there ever since. Although he is able to bring his daughter back to the States he feels it is better that his daughter be with a parent full time because his work schedule is very demanding. He has no family in the area. In the past year, my WxBF has visited his child 3 times. He would stay 4-5 days at a time. I have never felt comfortable with this arrangement because cell phone service in the part of the country she lives is non-existent. He needs to travel into town an hour way to text me or Facetime me. Him going caused many arguments which usually occurred right before his visit and immediately after his visit. I admit it, I was insecure. But what could I do? His child is there! If this was his arrangement when I met him years prior I would not have stuck around but when he started to visit I was already invested and very much in love. Around the same time she went to Guatemala, he moved into my home. He rented out his home to her parents as they were being evicted from their apartment. Another irritation of mine. But anywayÖ..

Upon the return of one of his visits where contact between us was less than other times, I had started to ask questions about the living conditions there. I told him I was uncomfortable with him staying at the home she is living in and I made some very sarcastic and rude remarks such as what happens in ďGhettomalaĒ stays in Ghettomala. Not my best moment. But it escalated quickly into an argument where he was calling me crazy, irrational, selfish, etc and how he is visiting his child and not her. He was for sure gaslighting me and I admit it was working. I broke down into hysterics crying and screaming and asked him, ďDid you fuck her while you were there?Ē. He screamed back, ďYES, I fucked her!Ē. It was like he was fucking proud of it! I literally dropped to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. He just stood there. I told him to get out of my house and he hasnít returned since except to get his belongings.

Now he is back in his house living with HER parents. It makes me sick.

Since D-Day, we have talked on and off. He wants to reconcile. Deep down, I want to reconcile too but him cheating on me made me feel like a fool. Taking him back will make me feel like an even bigger fool! I am cool, calm and collected when we communicate but deep down I am dying. I love him and miss him and want so badly to make it work but this problem of him going down there will never, ever go away for as long as his daughter is there. I have suggested bringing his daughter home and her parents being the caretaker while he is working but he refuses to do that right now. They donít speak English very well. He does plan, however, to bring DD home next summer when sheíll be at an age to start school.

I just donít know what to do. I feel lately I am letting my guard down with him. Iím softening up. It feels good to know he wants me and that he is sorry it happened. I canít feel the remorse though. It might be there but Iím not seeing it.

I hate this. I had never before been so happy with someone as I was with him. He was my KISA and my best friend and that fucker couldnít keep it in his pants. He said he has no excuse except he got caught up in feeling like a family with her again and they had been drinking. WTFE. But how can I compete with this OW? They have a child together. A bond he and I will never have. Not to mention OW is an exotic beauty that is 8 years younger than I am.

Iím in limbo. Iím here now because he wants to get together soon and talk. He wants to work it out and will do whatever I ask him to doÖ.. exceptÖ. I canít ask him not to go to Guatemala anymore.

Feeling very sad and Iím having trouble cutting my losses. In the past I wouldnít have hesitated writing someone off but I canít get this man out of my system.

I donít know what to do.

Healing2012 posted 10/23/2013 15:51 PM

Oh hun...I feel your pain. My d-day sounds just like yours - during an argument and he shouted to me that he slept with someone else. I, too, fell to my knees.

Your situation is tough because this woman is out of the country. I'm not sure how to work around that, but someone might come along with some good ideas.

My advice would be to not rush to make any decisions. Give yourself some time to think about what you want.

Sending you peace and strength...

SerJR posted 10/23/2013 17:27 PM

Hi there, Irishgirl...

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. If you haven't already, I suggest that you read through the Healing Library for some excellent articles that will help you to understand and know what to expect.

This is a tough situation. Your WBF is probably pretty close to the mark with his reasoning about why he had the affair. Spending time with his exwife probably did catalyse unresolved feelings to resurface. But, if he was in a committed relationship with you, it was his responsibility to resolve any of those past feelings and his responsibility to ensure that he had the proper boundaries set up so that he wouldn't make such choices. Regardless, he needs to enact a significant change in his behaviour if you want to stay with him. I would let him know this, and throw it back to him to see what ideas he can come up with.

Don't feel that you need to rush any decisions about whether to stay or go. This is your decision and you can take as much time as you need. When you are ready, you will know it in both your head and in your heart. While you do this, make sure you take the time to focus on the choices that you can make and make taking care of your health one of them.

You're gonna be okay

[This message edited by SerJR at 5:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

JustWow posted 10/23/2013 18:47 PM

He wants to work it out and will do whatever I ask him to doÖ.. exceptÖ. I canít ask him not to go to Guatemala anymore.

That means he likely won't do whatever it takes. He has what he wants - both of you. You have to decide what works for you. How old is this baby and how many more years of this dual life of his do you want to be a part of?

He has basically said he won't change the trips. I don't see why he can't say "I won't promise to stop trying to see my daughter", but I imagine there are other solutions to getting the child to the US to see her bio dad that don't involve him playing house with the ex.

Or why can't you travel with him and have visitation with the baby in Guatemala away from the ow?

Really think about how this is likely to play out over the long haul. Who does he show himself to be? What does your gut tell you he is capable and willing to do to keep his relationship with you?

Take care of you. You deserve to be somebody's everything, not second fiddle, not plan B, not less than.

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