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Staying NC/Crickets on this daily roller coaster ride

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NewMom0220 posted 10/23/2013 15:58 PM

So in the last week:

-I received an email on my bday from STBX about my plans for our rental house (which is still in our name till the end of the month). I have moved 90% of my stuff out but left a few things and have to return to clean. I have till the end of the month and my landlady knows I'm not done in there, but he chose my bday to threaten me with throwing the rest of my stuff out even though he left me and DS living there alone in MARCH. I responded calmly and simply said, "Don't throw my stuff away."

-The night of my bday he called every single member of my family. He was drunk. He wasn't calling upset because he misses me or it was my bday or anything emotional like that. He called intoxicated stating that me and my family wrecked the house. He mentioned 1 or 2 small things that I have to go back and repair...but according to him, we wrecked the place. My older sister took his call and she calmly said, "it's her birthday today, can you wait until tomorrow, please don't throw her things away."

-The following day I received an email from his family asking me to find it in my heart to travel back to town with DS for STBX's Great Grandmother's funeral. They asked that if I couldn't attend, if they could come and get DS (8 months old) and they ensured that there would be no conflict and if I couldn't come and could send DS that they would bring him back to me. It was a nice email and I felt terrible having to say no, but I can't let STBX have an overnight with DS until their is a signed agreement in place. He's said many times over that he would take him by force if he had to. My attorney doesn't recommend it because of the threats STBX has made and because of his unpredictable behavior. Now that I've been served my attorney has contacted his to have a temporary time sharing agreement in place. That way it is enforceable by the courts. I hate being "the bad guy," but I had to say no and I explained to my in-laws about how STBX has been acting and about his drunken phone calls to my family, etc. I'm sure they see it as me withholding the baby, but that's not true.

-So I guess Saturday, the day of the funeral, STBX left me a voicemail. He sounded sad, maybe hungover or a little drunk. He said, "can you bring me my boy, I won't start anything, I promise." It's the same sad voice I've heard many times while on the abusive cycle. Luckily for me I didn't hear it until last night. It made me sad and teary and my friends had to remind me why we were in this situation in the first place and how for so many months he was MIA. Like I said, luckily I didn't even notice the message until last night. (Thank God for the blocking feature on the iPhone!!!)

-So in-between all of this (on Monday) he sends me some emails about our cable boxes. He emailed to tell me that he removed himself from the account in September. This is his account. I've never been on it. He says the account is in my name now. I immediately call the cable company and tell them I did not authorize this and that I'm going through a divorce. They apologize and make a note on the file. Still in his name, still tied to his social. This reminds me that he isn't so much of a victim like he pretends to be. He never told me this in September, he just let the bill rack up under my name. Just like he hired his attorney in September and is asking me to pay for it (at least that's what the petition says).

Anyway... I do have these moments where I feel like so many weeks have gone by and DS hasn't seen his dad or grandparents on that side. Every single time I have to correspond with him I say, you can come see him whenever you want. It's 2 1/2 hours away. He was ok to drive 8 hours to see his OW, but he refuses to drive 2 1/2 hours to see his son, "chaperoned" by my family.

In one of his last emails he called me a criminal, said I kidnapped his son, said horrible things about my family. Tried to make false accusations about my parents, who have done nothing to him. They were wonderful in-laws to him and they've done nothing to him. He's a classic NPD...perpetual victim. We are all on his shit list.

Anyway...I am anxious to get this signed temporary agreement in place. I hate feeling like I have to defend myself all of the time, and for the most part, I don't. I've been crickets unless it's absolutely necessary to respond to him. It's just this black cloud hanging over my head. The more I stay NC and give crickets, the more unstable and irrational he sounds in his emails.

I just hate that DS is caught in the middle.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:04 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 10/23/2013 18:50 PM

You are NOT the bad guy.

You are NOT the bad guy for not allowing yourself to be manipulated by this fuckwit and his family.

You are NOT the bad guy.

This is classic behaviour of an abuser. Carrot, stick, carrot, stick. The sad clown was like a schizophrenic when he first lost his perceived control over me. One day sweet as pie, a spitting venomous snake the next. It was destabilising until I realised what he was doing. Now it is just sad - he's still playing the same old tune even though I stopped dancing to it over a year ago.

Continue to protect yourself and your son. Your family and friends support you. I support you.

Gemini71 posted 10/23/2013 19:05 PM

Stay strong NM. You are doing exactly as what you should. Follow your lawyer's advice about visitation. Stay NC/Crickets with STBX. He will only try to manipulate you and hurt you.

Don't feel guilty about lack of visitation, this is only a temporary situation. Once you have orders in place, you'll have the legal protection you need.

You are NOT the bad guy. Your STBX created this mess. . He's the one who left. He's the one who wouldn't help support you and DS. He's the one who has threatened force. STBX is the bad guy.


Skan posted 10/23/2013 19:24 PM

With compassion, your DS is NOT caught in the middle.

He's 8 months old.

Recall, what you said, when you "told" him about his grandmother's passing. He drooled.

Your son is just fine. As long as you keep providing him with a stable home and people who love him and ONLY have his best interests at heart, he is insulated from all of the drama and horse crap that your STBX and Outlaws are slinging. You are doing just fine with him. (((hugs)))

NewMom0220 posted 10/24/2013 09:38 AM

Thank you for writing. Your words give me strength. All of this NC/crickets is great but it leaves me with volumes of things I want to say to defend myself, reason with STBX, or just anger and outrage that someone can exist like this. He is a master at manipulating me and those around him and one thing I'm happy about is that whatever is going on with me internally he has no knowledge of it. He has no access to me anymore.

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