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My Ex's New Life

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Tesa posted 10/23/2013 16:15 PM

I know that the best karma is to lead a happy life and not dwell on the past.

I am happy. I have moved on and remarried a good man. Together we have 5 kids who we both have primary custody of. It's a modern day Brady Bunch in my home.

Yesterday my bio-Ds came home and told me their step-mom is pregnant with her 2nd baby. Their other half-sister is now 2.

While the news of the new baby wasn't particularly upsetting, I find myself wondering.....

why hasn't my ex struggled to re-start his life like I did for 5+ years? will he ever really understand the devastation he caused us?

IDK, just feeling sorry for myself, I guess.

Exit Wounds posted 10/23/2013 16:17 PM

(((((Tesa))))) it ain't over till he suffers. If he is not suffering then it's not over!

Hang in there, you never know when Karma hits.

nowiknow23 posted 10/23/2013 16:24 PM

why hasn't my ex struggled to re-start his life like I did for 5+ years?
Maybe he has struggled, but you haven't seen it. Or maybe he lives on the surface, shallowly, and adapts himself to situations and people in order to have what passes for security. All surface, no depth. No thank you.

will he ever really understand the devastation he caused us?
I wouldn't hold my breath, honey.

Random thoughts posted 10/23/2013 16:25 PM

You really Rontgen know what's going on in his house and how he is with those kids

inconnu posted 10/23/2013 18:40 PM

I think it's easier for the wayward ex to restart their new lives because they already had one foot (and various other body parts) in that life, whereas the betrayed partner has to start over at the very beginning, after the divorce.

I also don't think how the WS/AP marriages appear to look from the outside is any indication of whether they're happy. With my ex and wifetress, my son tells me they seem happy. But in the same conversation DS18 mentions how insecure wifetress is. I mean really, if it's that obvious to an 18 year old boy that his step-monster is that insecure in her relationship with his dad, then how happy can this couple be?

ladies_first posted 10/23/2013 21:31 PM

(((Tesa)))

in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.
And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion. Talk shows thrive on these tales. Perhaps it’s part of our powerful national belief in self-help and self-creation. It’s never too late to start anew.

But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Respectfully, I disagree with this: "it ain't over till he suffers. If he is not suffering then it's not over!" Isn't enjoying the suffering of animals and babies is the sign of a personality disorder?

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

thisisterrible posted 10/23/2013 22:10 PM

in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.
And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion. Talk shows thrive on these tales. Perhaps it’s part of our powerful national belief in self-help and self-creation. It’s never too late to start anew.
But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.

I think this is 100% true - all of it.

5454real posted 10/23/2013 23:40 PM

Why do you care? Is it an idle passing thought, or something deeper? I'm wondering because

I am happy

and
just feeling sorry for myself

don't quite belong together.

Quit looking in the rearview mirror. Look forward to the day when you meet Alice and can quit the house work.

TBH, XWH and his situation isn't worth your time. Every minute you spend looking at what is going on in his life is a minute you wasted by not improving your own.

Strength

SBB posted 10/23/2013 23:58 PM

Tess, you have to know he is the SAME guy. He has just take his dog and pony show to a new audience.

They don't struggle because they're doing what they've always done. It will be the same result one way or another. Broken is not fixed by a new relationship for a WS nor for a BS.

There's a great line I saw on here once:
Once you know him as well as I do you'll love him as much as I do.

Don't believe what you see through the windows - we've been in that house, we know what it's like, we've been married to these guys.

I'd be examining whether everything is OK in your life if you're still waiting for the karma bus to hit him in a way that is discernible to you.

Is everything OK or is it just the new info triggering you?

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