"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Blameitontherain posted 10/23/2013 16:32 PM

I believed things were getting better for me. I have been handling my emotions well but while doing that I think I slipped in to numbness. I stayed there for awhile and this past week or so, I can actually say I felt more positive.

Even before I found out the affair, we tossed around the idea of a vasectomy. We both don't want anymore children. I have always handled birth control. Since being off it, I have realized they are why I had zero sex drive. I will not take them again. It is his turn to handle birth control.

He agreed to get the big V last winter. Then pushed it to this spring. Then it was September when would ask about it at the dry. Because of work, the dr and him settled on the end of October. Great.... Yeah not so much. Last night he came home to tell me about a sporting event he wants to participate in mid November. Instantly I knew, he was putting off the vasectomy again. He tells me there is so much that he wants to do that it doesn't make sense to do it now. He has abcd and xyz and geez what is a couple months difference going to make?

I told him that I felt that he was prioritizing all this stuff over his promise to me, that all the stuff was more important than our decision on birth control. This triggered me into feeling hopeless, disrespected, unloved, basically it reopened the hurt....a step back. I asked him what had changed? Just last week we were talking about having it done. Were you just stringing me along and never were really going to do it?

He responded with see I knew you would blow up and that's why I said nothing. He said he was going to ignore the October timeline he gave me and let it pass. He also said it is my body and my choice. He keeps emphasizing that it is permenant and not at all like how I took birth control pills.

Reasons to have it:
1. Both want no more children.
2. Birth control pills ruin our sex life.
3. Condoms are not reliable since they tend to get tossed to the side. He hates them.
4. We are risking an unwanted child no matter how much I chart ovulation.

I have a fifth reason that I told him last. I am scared he will cheat again. I just can't let go of that feeling.... It may get smaller but it is there. He didn't use a condom with AP and just took her word that her tubes were tied. I don't want to risk an OC.

His response. See! I KNEW it!!! This is why you keep pushing so hard for it.

I also feel hopeless that he doesn't want it because he wants all of his options there if we ever decide to divorce. I feel like its his back up plan and he isn't fully in the marriage

I told him I am not risking another child and I am tired of playing with fire. All sex will stop. I am done playing roulette. He can get a vasectomy whenever he likes but in the mean time, no sex. We also have a no porn agreement now which is what he would turn to in the past when I had zero sex drive.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 4:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Rebreather posted 10/23/2013 16:37 PM

So.

Does he want it or not?

Does he even know?

It is certainly a passive aggressive issue in how he is dealing with the issue. The "I knew you would blow up" is such a load of blame shifting bullshit. Totally unacceptable.

If he is agreeing to this only to get you to shut up about it, it's very PA and something he needs to address.

In the end, if you don't want another child, I'd get your tubes tied. If he cheats again and produces an OC...will you remain married? I mean, you can't control his future children, whether he is with you or not.

I guess what I am saying is, this isn't just about whether he gets the snip job or not. It's about his underlying personality issues he needs to address, and what you can and cannot control in your life.

Blameitontherain posted 10/23/2013 16:46 PM

I can honestly say I don't know if he really wants it now. I do believe he is just telling me whatever I want to hear now.

Yes I can get my tubes tied. Do I want to go through a major surgery? Hell no.

I told him if he ever cheated again, I would be gone. I guess an OC wouldn't be my problem then. But I said that before he cheated the first time and look I'm still here.

I know I can't control him or his vasectomy. I thought we were on the same page only to realize we are in different countries. I think that is what hurts the most. I feel strung along and lied to. If I can't trust his words when trying to R, how can we R?

WH will only do mc. He refuses to go to IC, refuses to even entertain the idea that some of his thought processes/coping skills may need to be worked on. "Nothing is wrong with me" is what he says.

Rebreather posted 10/23/2013 16:56 PM

Nothing is wrong with me" is what he says.

I think that as we drill down into this, you are seeing the real issue at play.

Nothing is wrong with him? And yet he blew up your world? Gutted you? Destroyed your trust and faith in him? Betrayed in the most brutal way the person he pledged to honor and cherish?

How does he mesh those concepts with "there is nothing wrong with him"?

There are people here who have recovered w/out IC. But they did the work in other ways. What is he doing to learn about himself and why he acted in such a horrifically destructive manner?

I think maybe the reason the V is so important to you (besides the bare fact that he made a promise and he isn't sticking to it) is that you know he isn't doing the work needed to make himself a safe partner for you. Therefore, he is a likely candidate to become a repeat offender.

He has to look inside or this is all for naught.

Reality posted 10/23/2013 16:56 PM

I agree with you. That sounds like one foot still out the door.

Vasectomy is a hot topic with my WH, too, though he is pro and I was ambivalent until recently. It does represent "future plans" in a lot of ways. Kids are very important to me, so it means "IMPORTANT future plans" to me. I can understand how weighted the subject is.

And yeah, tubes getting tied is a huge procedure next to a vasectomy. It sounds like WH has some major underlying things he should be talking to an IC about. That much passive aggressiveness about something he knows is important to you is a bad, bad thing.

ladies_first posted 10/23/2013 17:33 PM

I agree with you. That sounds like one foot still out the door.

Careful....

Men get anxious about their penis and manhood (which I understand).

Reasons to have it:
1. Both want no more children.
2. Birth control pills ruin our sex life.
3. Condoms are not reliable since they tend to get tossed to the side. He hates them.
4. We are risking an unwanted child no matter how much I chart ovulation.

I have a fifth reason that I told him last. I am scared he will cheat again.

May I suggest the wonderful thread on "A safe environment for WS to open up and talk"
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=511574&AP=1

Sleep on your disagreement, then raise the issue again when you're both in a better headspace.

Reality posted 10/23/2013 19:11 PM

Yeah, I understand men ascribe a lot of importance and identity into it. However, ego and inflated (sorry, bad pun) importance of one portion of anatomy makes no sense to me, no matter how socially cliche, especially in the situation.

While I'm terribly fond of that portion of my WH's body, its not more important than every other part of our marriage. Nor is it of greater importance than my reproductive organs.

In this case, if there are feelings that don't source in, "Oh, my 'manhood'!" for Blame's WH, those should definitely be addressed and discussed. But this is also about him breaking a promise he chose to make to her, then blaming her for it.

That's no bueno.

TarnishedSilver posted 10/23/2013 19:28 PM

I just wanted to add that 9 months after we had our second child we both agreed we completed our family and would not try again.
Fwh is the one that said he would get a vasectomy. Remember, this was years after his last infidelity.

The down time after the vasectomy was not very long. I am sure you can tell him he can still be involved with activities soon after.

Also after reading this post I must give fwh a pat on the back!!
He said, at the time, I had gone through child birth twice it's the least he could do
And for the guys he knows and works with and such, the comments about you are not a real man anymore..... His response to those comments was, A real man would do that for their wife!!

Thanks for this post, I needed to read something that gave me a positive outlook on my marriage today, and this was it. Fwh did change for the better after the infidelities, maybe I just didn't see it at the time.

catlover50 posted 10/23/2013 19:58 PM

I had to really twist my H's arm on this years ago. I finally got mad-- I had done years of the pill, two pregnancies, 13 weeks of bed rest. It was the least he could do.

Now, my new, improved H 2.0, would not hesitate for a second. That, I think, is the problem. Is he serious about R or not?

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/24/2013 10:10 AM

For the record...my WH had a vasectomy...then came home and mowed the lawn. Yeah...if your WH says getting a vasectomy in October will prevent him from participating in a sporting event in MID NOV....he is making excuses and intentionally putting it off.

It really comes down to the fact that he keeps making this promise them not following thru. Why? whats going on in his head? There are bigger underlying issues to unearth and talk about. Keep the lines of communication open. He needs to dig deep and stop making excuses and start being honest with you.

Kelany posted 10/24/2013 10:17 AM

A sporting event is a lame excuse. They only need a couple days and a frozen bag of peas for recovery. Seriously.

fooledbyapilot posted 10/24/2013 10:21 AM

My WH had a vasectomy right after the birth of our 2nd DS. This was almost 15 years ago.

When he started his affair (July 2004) 6 years after his vasectomy, he never told OW that he had a vasectomy. I found out that in July 2009, 5 years into his affair, that the OW thought she was pregnant. He told her that couldn't be as he had a vasectomy. He never told her all that time. She was 28 at that time and wanted children. She wanted him to get a reversal and I hadn't discovered affair yet.

She told him, no matter what happened in the future with them, she just wanted his child. Crazy making. She was on birth control their entire affair and he knew this and never told her. She was upset by this, and I know this for certain, as I spoke with her on D-Day and asked her why on earth she would want a man 20 years her senior who would never give her a child. She told me that was a whole other story as he never revealed that little piece of information to her.

I am absolutely positive that if he hadn't had the vasectomy that we would have been dealing with an OC right now.

So to make a short story longer, that goodness he had the vasectomy!!!!

Tred posted 10/24/2013 10:25 AM

As someone who was "tutored" by Dr. Butcher (no lie) I agree with the posters who say his reasons for not getting the procedure are lame. Mine was over 14 years ago, and there was some swelling and slight pain, but I played sports within a week. I would imagine that the procedure has only gotten better since then.

Blameitontherain posted 10/24/2013 11:10 AM

Thank you all for the replies. They really do help me take a step back and look at it from a mostly object stance.

I talked with him last night. Told him how I feel he avoids conflict. He says he does it because I blow up. I said I wouldn't blow up if I had to discover things about our marriage by default. If he would just come to me and talk to me and give me a chance to not blow up, things would go differently. If he doesn't feel safe with doing that, then do it in MC. Our mc has said, I need to make it safe for him to come to me. On the flip side, he needs to come to me. I haven't been given the chance to not react in my old ways, not once. It is so ingrained in him to avoid conflict and just deal with the fall out.

He also says he wants to get snipped for the right reasons. My expresses that I am afraid of another affair/OC is not a right reason. Apparently both of us not wanting more children, bc pills ruining sex life, and risking another pregnancy don't count anymore ??? I told him the fear will always be there in my head- it may get smaller, but it will always be there so apparently you will never get the vasectomy if you are waiting for me to not be fearful.

Rebreather you are spot on that I am fearful because deep down I know he isn't a safe partner. He isn't doing the work beyond the surface level. I talked with him about this again and
As of right now, he has agreed to following

Reading relationship/affair books since he won't do IC

Discusses them with me and how they relate to him/us/ childhood

Come to me or schedule mc instead of avoiding subjects that are hard

React with compassion when I become overcome with emotions instead of getting pissed off and defensive

Sex is off the table until he gets snipped whenever that may be

I know all of this is just words and words mean very little. I am awaiting the action part and will see.

On a side note, if he ever does get snipped, I bet $100 he will have an easy recovery and say something like why didn't i do this sooner.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 11:12 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

losingmyground posted 10/24/2013 11:51 AM

Regardless of your reasons for wanting him to get fixed. It is his body to with as he pleases.

If you do not want another child, then you get your tubes tied. I did. It is not that bad.

I do however see your point and it would worry me too. But you cannot force him to have one by withholding sex. If he is as bad as you think it will just be another excuse for his next affair.

Kelany posted 10/24/2013 12:58 PM

It is his body, sure.

Its also her body too. She doesnt want another baby, or hormonal birth control or her tubes tied. Why should she be forced to have a much more invasive surgery because he is going back on something he already agreed to do?

Blameitontherain posted 10/24/2013 13:55 PM

Losingmyguard. I understand it is his body and he can do as he pleases with it. Really I do.

We both talked about and agreed to the vasectomy. I didn't give him an ultimatum of do this or else. It was a mutually agreeable thing for both of us. But it has been put off with a lot of excuses. I am not withholding sex as a way to coerce him into getting fixed. I have been playing roulette with an unwanted pregnancy and so far have won. I don't want to bet against the house anymore. He understands my reasons. And if withholding sex leads to another affair, well I guess my r wasn't real to begin with.

I do not think he is bad. I am fearful because he has not begun to do the harder work to make himself a safe partner. Do I think he will run out and have an affair next week, in a month, next year or two? No I honestly don't. What worries me is what happens when we hit a rough patch or are not as on top of maintaining the marriage? I believe the term dry cheater/adulterer applies here.

Rebreather posted 10/24/2013 14:05 PM

And if withholding sex leads to another affair, well I guess my r wasn't real to begin with.

You are exactly right.

I like the list of things he has agreed to do, but did you establish a clear timeline? Otherwise you will be back in 6 months going "yeah, he never did that stuff." You know?

Conflict avoidance isn't that hard to fix. Honestly. My FWH busted it out pretty quick once we understood it was a problem. He has to look inside himself. He has to make himself uncomfortable. Otherwise he remains a risk to you. Are your ducks lined up so you can make a positive move for yourself in the future?

His excuse for doing the V "for the right reason" is horseshit. I can't think of a more right reason than giving his spouse the faith in him that he won't produce an OC. Lordy.

SecondHelping posted 10/24/2013 14:07 PM

I don't know how strenuous the athletic event is but after my V, I was pretty much back to normal less than a week later.

losingmyground posted 10/24/2013 14:08 PM

Reasons to have it:
1. Both want no more children.
2. Birth control pills ruin our sex life.
3. Condoms are not reliable since they tend to get tossed to the side. He hates them.
4. We are risking an unwanted child no matter how much I chart ovulation.

Those are the reasons you gave for HIM being fixed. And your reason against your tubes being tied is major surgery.

I was up and around within a day.

I understand that he agreed to have it done....guess what so did my husband. When we had the third and it still wasn't done. I had my tubes tied because I knew I was done with kids and did not want the side effects of birth control.

I also know that you did not say "Vasectomy or sex", but now because he has told you, not quite as blunt, he doesn't want it you are going to withhold to prevent having another kid.

You can either a. die on your sword or b. get yourself fixed and enjoy sex with your husband. Your choice.