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dealing with you BS ups and downs

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nicjean83 posted 10/23/2013 20:25 PM

d day for us was only 3 weeks ago so this is very new. however yesterday we were laughing together and before i knew it after the amazing laugh. He went down hill. I watched his face drop and he went silent. and now 24 hrs later he is still sad and down... how can I help him???

I sent him a cute picture of snoopy hugging woodstock and told him i am here for him when he is ready ( My BS still wont let me hug him or touch him I thought this would lift his spirits to know I care and am thinking about him and still want him. But it seems to have done no good at all....

[This message edited by nicjean83 at 8:32 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

authenticnow posted 10/23/2013 20:47 PM

Hi nicjean,

Your BH is going to have a lot of ups and downs for a very long time. What helps in the long run is consistent actions by you---transparency, 100% truth all the time, NC NC NC with OM.

There is no quick fix. Has your BH told you what he needs from you?

Patience, kindness, and authenticity all help with healing.

Are either of you in IC? MC? What are you doing to fix yourself to make sure you don't cheat again?

Rebuilding takes a long time. I'm glad you found us. You will get a lot of support here. Welcome.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 10/23/2013 21:35 PM

Welcome to SI.

There is a great book called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful" It's a quick read, but really good.

Keep posting! This really is a great place.

You may want to consider telling your BS about this site, mine is on here and it's been a lifesaver for both of us.

[This message edited by broevil at 9:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

iAmAMess0809 posted 10/23/2013 21:36 PM

No great advice, as I am going through the same thing. Laughing one minute, crying the next. One minute we can be discussing our future, and the next, she doesn't know if she can do this.

nicjean83 posted 10/23/2013 23:18 PM

Now he is pissed where when I posted he was sad. we are in MC twice per week at the moment. He needs me to watch my moods basically. I have very bad mood swings that we are trying to figure out. My past with my family has taught me to be ready to fight at a moments notice ( very long story) But my eratic moods throw him into a sad spell. As to be expected he can't get close to me right now at all because he just pictures me with the OM

nicjean83 posted 10/23/2013 23:24 PM

oh and thank you for the welcomes glad to be here

1DumbHusband posted 10/24/2013 00:21 AM

NicJean: welcome to SI! There's a lot of good people here and good support. I'm sorry you are here but you found the right place.

Good luck with your situation. I am 4 months out from DDay and I can tell you it will get a lot worse before it will get better. Be strong and be consistent. Learn from other WS mistakes so you don't repeat them. I've been bad about that and that is probably why I am where I am today.

Neznayou posted 11/4/2013 04:53 AM

The problems didn't appear overnight and they won't go away overnight either. You did what you wanted to do (i.e. have an Affair), now you have to do what you need to do (i.e. be strong). We are 14 months out and my BH still has rough times. In order for me to demonstrate my commitment to change, to put my actions where my words are, I have to find it within myself to be strong for him. If we are truly building a partnership, then I have to be able to carry the load I brought into our relationship.

Yes, you hurt too (I'm assuming), but starting out in Recovery, your focus should be on your BS. Hopefully, there will come a time when you can lean on his shoulder and cry. In the meantime, be patient, be consistent and keep sending the cute pictures, the loving texts, the apologies, the flowers, the cards, the notes... whatever means you have to express yourself.

Best of luck,

trying2live posted 11/4/2013 19:38 PM

I wish I could give you great advice nicjean83. It is hard to handle the ups and downs while you are still trying to handle your own guilt of what you have done. All I can recommend is be there and be supportive. Good luck.

Db4ever posted 11/4/2013 22:03 PM

Nic b prepared for months and months of the rollercoaster of emotions. The slightest things trigger their thoughts and send them into a bad place. Once u get over your own feelings you must remain constant and vigilant in the pursuit of reassuring. I hav tried and tried and still do. I wish i was the one betrayed just to take it all away. It will never be the same.

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