SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Almost broke nc

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pass posted 10/23/2013 22:32 PM

I almost phoned The Princess tonight. I wanted to tell her that it's all her fault.

It's her fault I tried to kill myself. It's her fault my business had money troubles. It's her fault I felt ugly, stupid, and unloved. It's her fault that I am now poor, alone and unloved. It's her fault that I only get half the holidays with my kids.

I love my new life. I love that I'm spending more time on my music. I love that I have a simple apartment in the middle of the city. I love the time I spend with the kids.

But holy fuck, do I need some love. I need to cuddle. I need to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me.

I realize now that I never had the love I needed, but I still wish I could have it back.

Don't worry. I could never go back to her. I've found some happiness, some pride, and even a little self-respect.

I'm just alone.

I really wanted to phone her, but I talked myself down the usual way: Went for a walk, and then posted here.

This is the first time I've cried in many weeks. It fucking sucks!

Iamhappytoday posted 10/23/2013 23:55 PM

Congratulations on surviving that painful urge to make contact. It's so difficult and every time I fell off the NC wagon I have regretted it. Vent here all you can.

You're valuable and worthy of love and respect.

This is a pretty lonely existence, for now. I hope we all build ourselves up to be open to the love and caring we deserve.

Until then, I'm glad you made it through that hurdle.

((((Pass))))

JessicaFL127 posted 10/24/2013 00:17 AM

Pm coming.

fraeuken posted 10/24/2013 00:38 AM

Pass, good you got through it. Cry and let it out. Post here. Many of us are in the same boat as you.

I am not missing xh any longer but I terribly miss xso. Wanting to be held and loved and feel somebody next to me helping me through a lonely night. I chose NC as well, hard in the moment but tomorrow I hope we will feel better for it. One step at a time, baby steps if need be.

SBB posted 10/24/2013 07:00 AM

I've been there friend. Just breathe through it. This anger/hurt has a purpose - it will help you detach from her.

You are a good man and a great father with a big heart and lots of love to give. This is your time to heal you, heal you, rebuild you, get to love you.

Sheer willpower will get you through this hard part - I promise you it won't be this hard or this painful forever.

At first we want to break NC to get them to wake the fuck up. Then we want to break NC to unleash all hell on them.

So strong was the urge to unleash hell I thought I would spontaneously combust. Sheer willpower got me through it.

These days I'm not at all tempted. I think of funny/witty responses to his inane drivel, have a quiet chuckle then get on with my day. He's a blip. She will be too.

You've got this brother. You've SO got this.

Williesmom posted 10/24/2013 07:41 AM

((pass) To did well. I won't say that the desire to be cuddled, loved, and cherished goes away. It becomes manageable.

When I was at your stage, I couldn't sleep (I've always had insomnia). I would clean my house continuously. I figured that I would channel my energies into something useful - my mantra was "exhaustion is your friend".

Now, I still have insomnia - but I'm not cleaning my house!

It gets better. Just get through it.

Pass posted 10/24/2013 09:09 AM

Thanks, y'all. It was a rough night. I am proud of handling it the way I did. I didn't call her, and I didn't drink. I REALLY wanted to do both of those things.

Yep, this call definitely would have been in the "unleash hell" category, in contrast to the "wake the fuck up". I really haven't unleashed since DDay, last November, and The Princess seems to think we're friends now. THAT pisses me off.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Something I should have said last night is that my suicide attempt was in January of 2012, and suicide has been off the table as an option (for the first time in my life!) since about April 2012. I'm living this shit out, and starting to reap some of the benefits of it: My relationship with my kids is better than ever; I've made a lot of new friends; I'm playing mandolin and banjo in a concert in November.

But fuck me gently, it ain't easy. Thanks for being here.

NewMom0220 posted 10/24/2013 10:07 AM

Pass-
No pun intended, but feelings like this will pass and you'll feel stronger and stronger with each bout.

Have you met anyone you kind of sort of like? Is there an old crush you could talk to? This might be bad advice but sometimes it's nice to remember that you are a desirable and loveable person. Even though the healthy thing is to say that you need to find that within yourself, it really doesn't hurt to get the attention of someone else too...you deserve to find love again and thank god she set you free so you have the opportunity.

dmari posted 10/24/2013 11:00 AM

Something I should have said last night is that my suicide attempt was in January of 2012, and suicide has been off the table as an option (for the first time in my life!) since about April 2012.
You should be really damn proud of yourself! (((((pass)))))

Housefulloflove posted 10/24/2013 13:13 PM

(((Pass))) I'm glad you got through the urge without acting on it. It's SO hard but the right decision.

I get urges to tell my jackass ex about himself often. I have to continuously remind myself that although he LOOKS like a human, it's like talking to a robot programed to deflect blame. His response will contain no empathy or understanding for what he has done.

There are no magic words that will make him respond like a compassionate and empathetic human-being. He is not one and he isn't good at pretending to be one either. There are only 2 responses I could expect, illogical statements used to pass the blame back to me and EXTREMELY illogical statements with anger to pass the blame back to me.

It sucks. It really does. They need SERIOUS help but they'll never get it so we can't expect any more than their current pathetic state of being.

I could never go back to her. I've found some happiness, some pride, and even a little self-respect.

I'm just alone.

And the happiness, pride and self-respect will continue to grow as her dark energy is removed from your life. You may be alone today but that could change at any time. In the meantime you're becoming the person you need to be to have the life and partner that you deserve.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 1:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Pass posted 10/24/2013 14:24 PM

NewMom, I really haven't met anyone. And all my old girlfriends were just like The Princess (not to mention over 20 years ago - yikes!). I'm trying to break type, so I don't think it would be a good idea to pursue any of them, even if it were just for the sake of a little contact. I'm not opposed to the idea of meeting someone at this point, but it just hasn't happened yet.


Thanks, dmari. I am pretty proud. It was a hell of a battle to get past the point of thinking of suicide as my "last parachute" if shit gets unbearable. If I hadn't, I'm sure that something (discovering The Princess' infidelities, separating, the resulting emotional and financial turmoil) would have pushed me over the edge. I just wouldn't be here. I have a fantastic psychiatrist who has been asking me all the right questions, and teaching me how to ask myself those questions.


House, "the life and partner that you deserve" sounds fantastic. With the help of the above-mentioned psychiatrist, I've finally determined that I really do deserve to be happy. I feel like I'm well on the road to happiness, but those speed bumps are a bitch.

gma56 posted 10/24/2013 14:35 PM

love my new life. I love that I'm spending more time on my music. I love that I have a simple apartment in the middle of the city. I love the time I spend with the kids.

But holy fuck, do I need some love. I need to cuddle. I need to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me.

I realize now that I never had the love I needed, but I still wish I could have it back.

I hear you ! It's been 6 yrs for me. I don't want what I had because it was a lie. I won't settle for less than I deserve and it's a hellva alot more than I got from FT.
If you want what you had in the marriage, YOU would be settling for less. You want MORE not THAT !
Gma

devistatedmom posted 10/24/2013 15:44 PM

Pass, you are going to make it. Your anti-versary is right around the corner, you are less than a year out...you are going to come out the other side. Like others said, love will come again, and it will be BETTER, because we won't accept less.

I'm 4 years out from dday now, and yep, I really wish I had someone to cuddle with, talk with, do things with. I firmly believe that day will come, and I will be happier than ever. I just won't settle. If I'm going to fall in love again, it's going to be with someone who deserves me, and I them.

Congrats on getting through the rough night, and know sunnier days are coming.

Thefly559 posted 10/24/2013 19:28 PM

Brother. You are so not alone. The anger and pain I believe is good ,when it comes for me, and it comes often, I dive into it! I don't run from it and it seems to work. No bandaids. No temporary fixes. The attempt suicide was a minor setback! You are past that , you are better than that! You are better than the drinking too and I am glad you are stronger now and past that . You should be proud that you did not break NC. That is a big step. I am in the same pain , with kids and all , I am 6 months or so past D day and the pain at times is still unbelievable. But much better and much more controlled. I still can't look at her or hear her voice or even see her handwriting! Sick? But I will never give her that satisfaction of my weakness again. I felt the same as you , she destroyed my confidence my manhood , my being , but that shit is over. I hit the gym started training again ( boxing) and yoga , I ride the motorcycle for hours. Whatever! But positive things, nothing negative. You are better than that. Find your pride again ! Please! I have faith in you and all here . We all slip at times, me a whole lot but never give her that weakness again ! Just my thoughts and feelings . I am sorry you we are here but if we stay strong we will get through this. Good luck .

Pass posted 10/25/2013 10:35 AM

Thanks, y'all.

persevere posted 10/25/2013 14:55 PM

You did great pass, and I think your progress is impressive. Learning to find new ways to cope isn't easy, I'm so glad you've found someone to work with on that.

Thefly559 posted 10/26/2013 18:16 PM

Just wanted to bump you up and see how your feeling

ruinedandbroken posted 10/26/2013 18:34 PM

(((Pass)))

I still have urges to break NC and tell him what I think of him and it's been over three years for me. You are doing great. I can relate to everything you wrote. This life is not for the weak at heart.

Pass posted 10/26/2013 23:21 PM

Thanks for asking. I'm feeling really good today. It's the weekend, so that means my boys are with me.

We went out this morning to get a winter coat for 13. He wanted something "cool and beaten up", so we went hunting through the used shops. Got him a cool old leather jacket.

We also stopped in a music store to play a few instruments, and a hardware store so that 10 could look at the power tools. Pizza lunch, home to watch a bad superhero movie, then fried up some pork chops for supper. We ended the day with a short walk through the rain. A good day.

Weekends are when The Princess has all her much-needed freedom to screw her way through the city. I think my weekends sound better!

The weekend is when I'm in dad mode, and I'm feeling strong.

Thefly559 posted 10/27/2013 00:47 AM

Great weekend ! Sounds like mine ! The kids our life saver. Glad you are feeling better stay focused on them .

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.