i dont know if it is a defense mechinsm or not.....but i feel like i threaten my h indirectly at times when i trigger. my ic is on vacation....so i need some help you guys...
for example, my h was a little late coming home tonight. he stopped by the post office, and then got a haircut. he didnt tell me until he was at the barber that he was going to stop. when he was driving home, he called to apologize and tell me that he should have called to let me know. said he stopped in there since he was at the post office in the same shopping center. he then went on to explain how he wants to be accountable....and how sometimes he gets so caught up in his daily responsibilities, he will try to fit in a haircut when he can so that he can hurry up and get home.
okay, fine. i chose to believe him.
but, i listened to him tell me all of this....and in my mind...i was telling myself that what he did in the past, is the past..and not the man he is becoming today.
and i actually told him that it was okay. i said that when i get nervous or insecure about what you might be doing, i just remind myself that for him to put our family at risk again...after everything we have been through....everything that has happend...all the work in the r....to lose it over him deciding to do something stupid would be retarded. i said that at this point in our r, i just cant imagine him being so stupid and risking losing his family and making such a lethal, irrepairable blow to the m.
he responded by telling me that he would never jeopardize his family over doing stupid things again like cheating. he mentioned that i always say things about the consequences. he asked if i was protecting myself by indirectly threatening to divorce him if he ever cheated. he kept reassuring me that it would not happen again....the cheating.
but, i think it is my way of protecting myself....the indirect threats.
not sure if this is okay or not.
honestly though guys...i do feel like i always need to "let him know" or make it crystal clear that he is out of here if he screws up.
but i know that threats is not going to keep my h faithful...all the other work he is doing in ic, and aa is going to address that....and mc.
how do i stop the threats. i feel some sort of safety net when i say these things to him.
it gets so tiring.