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sri624 posted 10/23/2013 22:57 PM

i dont know if it is a defense mechinsm or not.....but i feel like i threaten my h indirectly at times when i trigger. my ic is on vacation....so i need some help you guys...

for example, my h was a little late coming home tonight. he stopped by the post office, and then got a haircut. he didnt tell me until he was at the barber that he was going to stop. when he was driving home, he called to apologize and tell me that he should have called to let me know. said he stopped in there since he was at the post office in the same shopping center. he then went on to explain how he wants to be accountable....and how sometimes he gets so caught up in his daily responsibilities, he will try to fit in a haircut when he can so that he can hurry up and get home.

okay, fine. i chose to believe him.

but, i listened to him tell me all of this....and in my mind...i was telling myself that what he did in the past, is the past..and not the man he is becoming today.

and i actually told him that it was okay. i said that when i get nervous or insecure about what you might be doing, i just remind myself that for him to put our family at risk again...after everything we have been through....everything that has happend...all the work in the r....to lose it over him deciding to do something stupid would be retarded. i said that at this point in our r, i just cant imagine him being so stupid and risking losing his family and making such a lethal, irrepairable blow to the m.

he responded by telling me that he would never jeopardize his family over doing stupid things again like cheating. he mentioned that i always say things about the consequences. he asked if i was protecting myself by indirectly threatening to divorce him if he ever cheated. he kept reassuring me that it would not happen again....the cheating.

but, i think it is my way of protecting myself....the indirect threats.

not sure if this is okay or not.

honestly though guys...i do feel like i always need to "let him know" or make it crystal clear that he is out of here if he screws up.

but i know that threats is not going to keep my h faithful...all the other work he is doing in ic, and aa is going to address that....and mc.

how do i stop the threats. i feel some sort of safety net when i say these things to him.

it gets so tiring.

karmahappens posted 10/23/2013 23:02 PM

Are you sure you are not saying the threat at a time when you need him to reassure you?

If so, could you learn to ask for the reassurance instead? He knows the threats and if he is doing all he can it might not hurt to open up a little with allowing yourself to be vulnerable...

Ask for what you need, it brings you closer and allows him a productive way to help you heal.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 10/24/2013 05:02 AM

How often do you mention D to your husband?

My wife and I have talked seriously about S and D, but don't recall doing it in a threatening manner. It has come up during arguments but not as a tool to end an argument or to back one of us down....can you further explain how and when you discuss D with your husband?

This is tough...life gets busy. My wife is sometimes late letting me know where she is at when a schedule does not roll out as planned....I too get anxious, even left work mid-day one day because she would not answer phone or text....found her exhausted asleep in our bed.

This is tough on both sides...I totally get your anxiety surrounding his late time arriving home after work...especially if that is tied to the time he would nurture his A. My wife was sleeping during a peak time of her affair nurturing....that absolutely played into my heightened anxiety level.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:03 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Kelany posted 10/24/2013 07:12 AM

I do think if its reassurance you are needing, then tell him. Alluding to divorce so often can really be destructive.

I understand the thought process behind it, I have said it too. Yet, in terms of rebuilding our marriage, its not something I need to remind him of repeatedly. He knows what will hapen if he cheats again, I've made it clear, I will not do this again. He hasn't forgotten. I don't want to continue to throw divorce at him because that can kill our marriage as well.

I have however learned to ask him for reassurance when I need it. I've gotten better at telling him what I need to feel safer.

brokensmile322 posted 10/24/2013 07:21 AM

I, too, have threatened divorce. So much so that my WH tought I was secretly planning behind his back for awhile. Problem was, I didn't mean it then. Or I did mean it, but wasn't strong enough at the time to follow through.

I am at a different spot now. I don't think my WH would risk our family again. Two counselors have said so in our sessions at different times.

That being said, I have said it to him recently, in a calm rather monotone voice that I would leave no questions asked. He was silent and I think because he knew I meant it for real then. I do.

Just stop saying it now. He's heard you. He knows how you feel. Do you say it for yourself? Sometimes I have wondered if I have done it for me....to remind myself. So I started to say it to myself. I needed to remind myself that indeed I would leave and I would be ok no matter what.

sri624 posted 10/24/2013 10:51 AM

thanks for the replies. lately, i think i have been saying it a lot. and i think early on...i would say it...or act like i would leave him...knowing i was not strong enough to do that. he knew that, and took advantage of that...hence the false r....and the horrific aftermath.

now, i am a different woman....i will leave him, without question. i have my plan in place....attorney selected, understand the steps involved in beginning a divorce, how i would ask him to leave, child support, visitation...i mapped it out. and i have pretty much told him that i do have a plan in place if he were to ever cheat.

i think that you guys are right though. it is about reassurance. i think i do need that from him when i start to talk like this.

and i too think that i say it for myself as well...to remind myself that i am strong enough to leave him for good.

i am going to work on this. and just try to stop saying it. he knows full well the consequences of his actions. i think that is why he is working so hard on himself to "get right" so that he doesnt compromise our m again.