"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

loveyraven posted 10/23/2013 23:34 PM

Although it's been a few weeks, my situation is none the less difficult. I found out my husband of 7 years marriage 13 together cheated on me. No sex, but an emotional affair including two times meeting her and there was kissing/groping etc. I am 32, she is 18 and lives two states away. Firt meeting was while working in AL but second he actually drove out there to see her saying he was doing a side job. I am due on halloween, so this discovery was Sept 30 after her mom tried to facebook me a message saying they were caught together. She's apparently a Sr in HS and he didn't know and I believe thaI t. a family friend saw them outside her employer and obviously noticed my husband wasn't 19. He is 36 which makes this even harder. I do believe that he didn't know..she looks older and well we have a 3 yr old daughter and I am can't imagine he would do that. He is pretty sick with himself. I even saw her FB page and her interest say "in men" and he said she had slept with her boss. I was a teenager once and loved the attention of older men..I think he made him feel young, unattached, no real world shit to deal with. I lost my job this year and his mom moved in with us. I was primary bread winner and found out I was prego they day i was laid off. So he stepped up and started taking the good gigs out of town. I had felt distance and wondered why he was always texting and steppnig out to "talk" in the car etc, but he made me feel like I was up his ass. Now he feels like shit. I believe it started innocently enough and thought maybe he could end it wo me knowing but after I confronted him and saw our our cell records I knew and he knew he was caught. Depression and anixety have plauged me with no help as I am prego. But we have decided our love is one worth fighting for. His depression is palpable and his guilt is tremendous. The thought of losing me and his family are too much to bare...truthfully it is for me to. So we are taking steps towards reconcilation. He's seeing a therapist and we are going to marriage counseling. My mistrust is horrible...cell phone in is hand are a trigger. She's so obssesssed that we have had to block close to 14 numbers fro voice and text both to and from because she won't stop tryig to reach him.

It's don't a number on my shattared self esteem. I didn't have a horrible self image but now I an't do anything to make myself feel good. I am due in 8 days so any prego womans knows how horrible that feels and she's 18..how do I compete with that. Blond hair 100lb blue eyed little girl.

My reaction suprised me...yes I am hurt and betrayed but empathetic as well. I know that he's got some demons he hasn't dealt with and became complacent. It's not an excue but I do see it. What I didn't expect was how needy I have become for his attention. We've since spent a night in a hotel engulfed in each other and having sex like we first met. My MIL took my daughter away for the weekend (first weekend alone in our own home since Jan) and did the same thing mixed in with a huge breakdown from me on how he hurt me and I want my effing husband back...followed by comfort and sex again. i don't know if it's my subconscious trying to F the pain away or regain some sense of control or reclaim what is mine..or it could be the sex feels so good that it is releasing endorphines that I can't get in an antidepressant. Either way I feel sooo much better afterwards. His touch actually helps heal me and reassure me. Our therapit says it's good.

He is out of town in Austin this week and it's been hard. I am trying not worry and feel isolated but it's hard. We text often, skype when possible and talk a few times a day. Texting seems easier when we are really talking thru feelings. We have even sexted. But with every reassurng text or call I check the phone/text records less and less.

The therapist said that while we have taken great first steps what gives him hope is that we had a strong foundation to begin with and then something went wrong. We never really fought or had major issues, it was him and we are working through it. But his pain and depression has been scary. The firt week was so hard. He was suicidal and very broken...we both were..

mom of 2 posted 10/24/2013 00:54 AM

Welcome to SI. I had a big long, reply I was typing to you and hit some stupid key on the computer and the entire thing disappeared!

I am very sorry for what you're going through. Check out the healing library. Click the link to the left of your computer screen in the yellow box.

Take care of yourself and keep posting! I'm sorry I lost my other reply to you (it was much more detailed) but you are NOT alone.

DOmomma09 posted 10/24/2013 01:21 AM

Just wanted to send some hugs your way! I'm pregnant too and I know dealing with infidelity while pregnant is so very hard. I had even mentioned to my WH months ago how I thought cheating on a pregnant woman was about as low as a person could get. He still did it I hope things get easier for you, and enjoy that baby that's almost here!

BrighterFuture posted 10/24/2013 08:36 AM

So sorry for the pain you feel. Please don't continue to have sex with him. Get tested for STDs for your and your unborn child's health.

allusions posted 10/24/2013 09:23 AM

Kissing/groping and such IS a physical affair, and if it went that far other physical contact may have happened as well. Get tested immediately for STDs.

allusions posted 10/24/2013 09:24 AM

Kissing/groping and such IS a physical affair, and if it went that far other physical contact may have happened as well. Get tested immediately for STDs.

bionicgal posted 10/24/2013 09:33 AM

Hugs to you, loneyraven. Sorry you have to be here.

Don't beat yourself up about the sex - the same thing happened here. I could not have been more surprised. It is a scary feeling being vulnerable to someone who has hurt you, but in our case it has been integral to our healing. Do be safe if he hasn't been tested for STDs. I know it seems extreme given his version of affairs, but it would be the smartest thing to do.

I feel for you with the pregnancy. And do not compare yourself to some 18 year old sl-t. Keep working at the marriage, get some counseling, and let her fade away in the distance. The affair wasn't about her - it was about him needing to escape his life.

loveyraven posted 10/24/2013 09:49 AM

I do beleive him when he says he didn't have sex with her. You may feel me dumb for this but after I told my OBGYN about it she did it anyway and theres nothing. He's only had two encounters with her and yes she is young and I think that was something that hindered him from actually having sex with her. The affair was a long distance emotional affair and contained mainly thru text and phone calls. She still lives with her parents and doen't even have a car.

I have seen the text messages I believe that she was more obsessive towards him then him towards her. I beleive that talking to her was an escape from the reality that has been our life this last year. Calling me from the road and doing basic "check in" calls while i am running around taking care of the house dealing with his mom and our daughter. Not that cheating was EVER okay..it's not, but like many men I think he thought that he could just stop and it would go away without me fiding out and hurting me. But he didn't expect that she would continue contact to the extremes she did. I have a Masters degree in Psychology, so and doctoral hours in marriage and family therapy. I finally contacted her after she was threatening to kill herself to him to keep him in contact. I told her that by law I am required to report someone who is suicidal to the police for their own safety. Threats will no be tolerated. I understand she is hurting but if she cared she would leave him and our family alone.

We have since installed voice/text blocker apps on his phone to block the area codes in AL. This has helped. We had also blocked a bunch of numbers via sprint both incoming and outgoing voice/text. He doesn't have access to the account to change this but does do it with me. When he would get a text after this I knew immediately because I could see the stress on his face. He's doing the right things by being transparent and answering any questions I have, but it's only been a few weeks. I still cry, I am still depressed, and suffer from a great deal of anxiety as it's just part of the process.

The hardest part is that we haven't disclosed anything to our family, nor do we intend to. His mom lives here and it's been part of the problem because no married couple wants an "audience" when they are going through hard times. I have explained to his sister and my mother that I have been suffering from depression for a while in this pregnancy and he is too and we are going through a difficult time and to respect our privacy. His mom is lazy and obese and sleeps all the time, so thankfully we have been able to contain most of our converstaions in our bedroom, the car on a drive etc. She took our daughter to stay w my sister in law last weekend and we had our house to ourselves all weekend.

While she is a big source of my stress until i start working again we can't really afford to move. But I will start working again towards the first of the year and then she's gone. Or we will buy/rent a bigger home

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/24/2013 10:40 AM

He's only had two encounters with her and yes she is young and I think that was something that hindered him from actually having sex with her. The affair was a long distance emotional affair and contained mainly thru text and phone calls. She still lives with her parents and doen't even have a car.

I'm a bit confused because he claimed he didn't know how young she was - yet, he also claims he supposedly didn't have sex with her BECAUSE she was young. I also don't quite understand why she was old enough to 'grope,' but not old enough to have sex with.

It doesn't make sense. And when it doesn't make sense, it's not the truth.

Quite honestly, you never get the truth out of lying cheaters. It's unfortunate, but they'll ONLY tell you what they absolutely have to. Most of them claim it was only an 'emotional affair' when they're caught, so this really isn't uncommon that he told you this at all.

I just want to warn you to guard your heart because just about every BW who posts on here that her husband had an EA usually ends up posting a couple months later that we were all right and she'd found out it was a PA, and not an EA like he'd claimed. It happens all the time.

Please take care of yourself.

loveyraven posted 10/24/2013 12:28 PM

We have discussed this, and while there may be doubts I don't know that it matters either way. They are both equally as bad and hurt no less. One thing I am learning is that digging and looking in his email tracking his text etc are only hindering me from moving forward. I spend two weeks looking into anything and eerything I could and asking questions. But while I will continue to look and ask the damage is done. I have a Master in Psych and doctoral hours in marriage and family and that has helped me in some ways to sort out issues. The affair like most is a symptom of a greater problem, so I am being solution focused for not only my heart and his but for my family. Devastated is an understatement. I am broken and together we will move forward. Today is a good day. Since I having this baby one week, I am deciding along with our therapist where my prioreties are and we are moving towards a place of healing and as much peace as possible so I can enjoy our new baby. So yes I can continue to stay in the hole and be negative and suspicious or I can try and refocus on what we can change and decided what works for us.

Secrets Kept posted 10/25/2013 12:05 PM

Have you let her mother know you have had to block over 14 different numbers from her daughter?

The girl still lives at home so Mom needs to be aware.