[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:12 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
Be still and heal.
It's all new and raw for me--fewer than two months since I found out--but I know that somehow, someday it's going to get better. And I believe the same for you.
You will survive this. You'll be better and stronger.
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
They are trained to speak with you. Better for you.
I can feel the pain that you are in. But it stops when you say it does. Understand. You are in charge of your response to this shitfest. You can wig out or not .
I am not trying to be mean or uncaring. I have BTDT. but when you can turn it around to YOUR perception of things...now the ball is in your court.
Stand strong! We will help you. You know right from wrong...do what is best for you. What is the best case scenario for you. You do have a choice.
He has already crossed the line. There is no going back.
If there was no fear...what would you do that is best for you.....
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Once it is final, you need to go NC with him. He cannot continue to go back and forth the way he has. Let him go to her once and for all and move onto better things (and people) in your life!
You need to feel safety, honesty and trust in a relationship, and after this many years if you don't have that then he needs to go. It isn't for lack of trying on your part!! He doesn't want to do the work to make YOU feel better...he just runs back to the OP.
He doesn't sound like he is worth your time or tears, let alone your LIFE. Please find a close friend or relative that you can stay with or can stay with you for a bit. Once you make the decision to let him go, I promise things will get better. Right now you're in limbo and have been for a very long time. Don't allow this any longer.
I do understand that part. However I cannot comprehend how you have been able to handle this for the amount of years you have been.
I feel like it's time for you to move on. Please stay with friends or relative and do not hesitate to contact a hotline.
Also, are you in counselling?
I am also in the camp that feels you need to move on! Dealing with infidelity while trying to reconcile is not a picnic, but dealing with an unremorseful spouse who left for his AP and stayed with her for four years? Repeated, consistent trauma that you did not deserve!
You are worth so much more than this man is willing to give you!
We have all been in that dark place where we just wanted to give up, I remember the days when I could barely get myself out of bed and then crawling back into bed after the necessities of life were taken care of.
It takes YEARS to recover from infidelity with a REMORSEFUL spouse! Years. So what you are feeling is absolutely normal, but I personally think in your situation it will take much, much more to get to that place of trust.
Have you been in counseling to figure out why you would allow yourself this continued emotional abuse by this man? I think that's where you need to turn, to a GREAT counsellor who will help you through this process.
Please continue to read and post, no matter what your decision is, the members here will help you every step of the way.
Trouble is, you (and he) keep picking the scab off and re-opening the wound. It's not healing because you won't allow it to heal by completely going NC with him, and he isn't allowing it to heal by being man enough to go NC with you. You may be picking at it, but he is ripping at your wound.
It's never going to heal while he is ripping it open and you are picking it. It's going to do what it's done for the last four years weap blood and make you weaker and weaker.
Think of NC as being the antiobiotic for the germ infesting your wound. You need to heal that wound through NC, a D, and serious IC for yourself. That's the only way that you're going to be well again. Otherwise, at some point, there will be no more blood for you to lose. (((hugs))) You're worthy of love and your worthy of a good life. But you are THE only person who can give that to yourself.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
This man is toxic. It's been 4 years, and he's been pulling and pushing you that entire time. How heartbreaking. He seems to enjoy having you hanging on.
Why did it end with OP? Why is he back with you now?
Also, have you been in IC? I ask because 4 years is a long time to still be so in love with someone. I know Ė love has no time limits. I hope you understand what Iím saying. Iím NOT judging you Ė Iím just concerned that perhaps something else is going on here. Thatís why I wondered about IC.
Donít hurt yourself, or even think about it. That isnít the answer, and I believe you know that.
I think the reality is that if he left for 4 years, I donít think there is any remorse. He did what he did, and now heís back if you want him, but he wonít act as if the break up just happened. I could be wrong here Ė thatís just how I read it.
If that is true, I think the ball may be in your court. If you can live with that, and will be happy just to be back with him, then go for it. If not, perhaps getting back together isnít the answer. I think IC would be tremendously helpful right now.
I really hope things start to look brighter for you. You sound so heartbroken, and that is a pain that no one should feel. We are always here if you need to vent.
But as a huge compliment, this:
he just found it easier to go back to her than to deal with my sobbing, pathetic self.
is proof positive that you are so much better and worth so much more than OW. She's willing to continue taking back a known cheater? She's happy being in a relationship of 3? Well that woman doesn't have many morals or much dignity. Not a lot of self-esteem there either or she wouldn't continually be with a married, comitted man.
Close the door on this guy. How he responds to losing you will tell you what you need to know. You deserve better than this guy.
PLEASE stop looking at those trees and do not harm yourself!!! The pain can be overwhelming at times, but YOU are going to survive this, I promise!!! We've all been in your shoes in some form and we are all surviving!!!
I am so glad you found SI, it is a lifeline for you. Please keep posting and reading here, we will all help you. ((((hugs))))
Stick with us! Tell us more about what's going on.